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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
Dontsparethehorses · 06/04/2023 07:26

Your adult children are allowed to visit family without you! At what age would you feel it acceptable for them to? When they have their own children??!

WildAloofRebel · 06/04/2023 07:26

YABU, your adult children can do what they want honestly.

I have single aunts and wouldn’t run it past my parents if I could go for dinner with them.

Neolara · 06/04/2023 07:26

I think as your DC are adults, it's entirely normal and actually pretty nice that she is trying to develop a relationship with them independent of you.

MrsBunnyEars · 06/04/2023 07:27

You’re being ridiculous, sorry.

Your children are adults, they don’t need you to manage their family relationship.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 06/04/2023 07:27

You're being ridiculous.

Your sil enjoys the company of some adults (who happen to be your children) and invite them over (not threatened and kidnapped) for a nice meal and to show interest in their life. These adults (who happen to be your children) go and enjoy themselves enough to go back.

Hmm

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 06/04/2023 07:27

You're being ridiculous.

Your sil enjoys the company of some adults (who happen to be your children) and invite them over (not threatened and kidnapped) for a nice meal and to show interest in their life. These adults (who happen to be your children) go and enjoy themselves enough to go back.

Hmm

Squidthing · 06/04/2023 07:28

It's lovely that she's interested in them.

gooseduckchicken · 06/04/2023 07:28

As they're adults, I think it's completely fine.

I would call in to see my aunts and uncles without telling my mum about it. It would be quite childish if I only saw them in a "tagging along with my mum" kind of way.

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 07:28

My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me

You’re being so ridiculous. Your SIL is not stealing your adult children! God if this is what you’re like I wouldn’t wanted want to invite you all the time either.
Or do you think she should ask your permission to see your adult children? Because that’s even more batshit.

NancyJoan · 06/04/2023 07:29

Don’t be silly. She’s their aunt, and they are adults, it’s lovely that she wants an adult friendship with them, and that they feel the same way. They don’t live with you anymore, you don’t only move as a family package.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 06/04/2023 07:29

For context I have an aunt who is more like a friend. It started with babysitting her kids and glasses of wine and now years later were good friends who go out for meals/trips out/check in regularly in person and on phone.

NQOTDarling · 06/04/2023 07:30

Sorry, but yabu! It's fabulous that your children can have an independent relationship with members of your family. They are not an extension of you, so why do you need to be there?
If they were younger and she were babysitting for a night, would you worry about that?
What do you think they talk about? Are you worried that it may be you? Do you have fomo?
You can"t dictate who your adult kids spend their time with, like it or not!

lailamaria · 06/04/2023 07:32

why would she ask your permission to ask your adult - just to clarify, adult children around for tea, there comes a point in life where family members gain independence from their parents and start seeing extended family by themselves, your being unfair to both your children by infantalising them and to your sister in law who is their aunt

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 06/04/2023 07:32

YABU. Such a weird way to think about it

ShandaLear · 06/04/2023 07:33

I think that’s really nice. It’s great your kids have such a positive relationship with other family members. It doesn’t mean they love you less.

TrashyPanda · 06/04/2023 07:33

You should be pleased they have loving relationships with their family.

Keepitrealnomists · 06/04/2023 07:34

I'm 40 years old and my mother doesn't like I have relationships with extended family. She doesn't like it that my life doesn't revolve around her. I am married, have DC and I told her she was being ridiculous! She made a massive thing out of it and we had a huge argument. You need to get over it.

MysweetAudrina · 06/04/2023 07:34

I have a mother like you who was jealous of my relationship with her sister. It is a horrible position to put your adult children in. They will pick up on it. You don't own your children. You should be glad that they have strong independent relationships with family members. I am secure enough in my relationship with my own children to never feel threatened by any other relationship they have.

Badleg85 · 06/04/2023 07:35

One of parents can be like this, hates it if I go tonsee family with out them and tries to wrangle an invite (even though i see/speak to them 3 times a week). Problem is this person dominates every conversation and is very over the top. Sometimes I'd like to just sit and chat one to one with an auntie.

Roundaboutabee · 06/04/2023 07:35

How amazing your aunt wants to have a relationship with your children. wish my aunts had felt the same about me.

MrsMischiefOnTour · 06/04/2023 07:36

This reply has been deleted

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Theraffarian · 06/04/2023 07:37

My children are adults with partners , one sister asks them to dinner etc without us , the other only has them over if we all go . No right or wrong way and certainly neither bothers me , in fact I quite understand you might fancy an extra 2 people to dinner for a proper catch up but not catering to an extra 4 or 6 of us.

TyGoch · 06/04/2023 07:37

So how would you prefer her to do it? To ask you if Jack can come over for a play date after his management training seminar?

elizzza · 06/04/2023 07:37

I think it’s really lovely that your children have their own relationships with their aunt. Try to think of it as enriching their lives rather than taking something from you - the more people in their lives who love and support them, the better.

Is there some backstory to why you feel like this? Unless you’re about to tell us she always gets in first with plans on Mother’s Day and your birthday, YABU.

Changingplace · 06/04/2023 07:38

What other areas of your adult children’s lives do you think you have a say in?

They don’t have to run their lives through you, you sound stifling, be careful they don’t end up entirely distancing themselves from you.

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