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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
Vgt6y357 · 06/04/2023 07:38

If this is an example or her "blurring boundaries" I'd love to hear some other examples.

It's perfectly normal for nieces and nephews to have independent relationships with their aunts and uncles. I see one nephew a lot more often than their parent does because their parent moved abroad!

Merrow · 06/04/2023 07:39

I don't live in the same city as them but wherever any of my aunts happen to be around we go for dinner - it's nice! It's good having extended family to rely on.

My sister is especially close to one of my aunt's, which I know my mum feels a little sad about as she thinks it's a better relationship than she has with my sister, but she wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardise it.

Airdustmoon · 06/04/2023 07:39

i only have one uncle and we aren’t particularly close as a family so now only really see each other at weddings and funerals etc when the whole family is there. But about 10 years ago I lived near him and his wife for a while and did go round a few times for a catch up without my parents - totally normal. On DH’s side, he also has one uncle who we normally see at whole family gatherings but again, occasionally we’ll meet up independently and probably would more often if we lived closer to each other. I think it’s nice?

FrenchandSaunders · 06/04/2023 07:40

I don’t see anything odd about that.

Reminds me of a situation I was in. A friends son chose to go to a London uni near to my office at the time. We’d meet for lunch or coffee every few weeks. When I met up with my friend she seemed to have the arse about this and told her son that I was her friend and he needed to make his own!!

heidiwine · 06/04/2023 07:40

Are you my sister?
This is ridiculous - how lucky your children are to have an aunt who loves them and is interested in their lives.
The question I would be asking is why you feel threatened by you SIL relationship with your children (or by any other adult having independent relationships with your children).

Maybe your SIL sees your children as the closest thing she will have to her own children and because of that she wants to be a part of their lives. What’s so bad about that?
Mother is a verb you know, not just a noun.

It take a village and all that…

TyGoch · 06/04/2023 07:41

Also, what exactly do you mean by 'for context - my SIL has no children of her own'? Are you suggesting that this poor lonely old stick has no idea how real families work, or that she's trying to steal a pre-raised pair of babies with a gingerbread house Waitrose Dine in for £10?

Doingmybest12 · 06/04/2023 07:41

I would be so pleased if my children had relationships with family members separately from me. It would warm my heart, unless you are going to give a massive drip feed that you think they are all plotting against you. Don't be a kill joy.

SpecialControlGroup · 06/04/2023 07:41

Adults going to see their aunt isn't an unusual situation.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 06/04/2023 07:43

Yab Extremely u and frankly, a bit weird.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 06/04/2023 07:44

It's great that your kids have such a good relationship with their aunt. Give your head a wobble

pinkdelight · 06/04/2023 07:45

Agree with others that there's no need to go through you, it's not a play date, they're independent beings.

But the fear of her stealing them away from you is a whole other issue you have. What's at the root of this deep insecurity? You've brought your DC up but they're not 'yours'. They've stayed in the same town, which isn't always the case and could either speak to your happiness/closeness as a family or to convenience or to more complicated issues if you really are this possessive. But it's still an illusion. You have no control over their choices and that's only healthy. We bring kids up to function well as adults so they can cope without us. That doesn't mean they don't still love us or need us emotionally in their lives, and practically too in some cases. But the idea that you feel this bond can be threatened by something so minor is troubling, either about your self esteem or your relationship with your kids

RawBloomers · 06/04/2023 07:45

I don’t think it’s that common for many young adults to visit an aunt for dinner without their parents also going along unless they live near the aunt and the parents don’t.

But it’s not stepping on your toes. It sounds quite lovely.

AgnesX · 06/04/2023 07:50

They're adults so I don't see an issue. It's great that they have a relationship with your sister.

Is there a particular backstory to your feelings and why you feel so sensitive?

Mutabiliss · 06/04/2023 07:53

You're definitely being silly. I have a single aunt and a single uncle - they both live a long way away, but if they lived in the same town as me I'd go see them without telling my parents. I email them quite often and get on well with them.

OriGanOver · 06/04/2023 07:56

I see an aunt on one side of the family regularly.

I don't see the others on my other side unless it's a family occasion. That's because they don't offer and it's quite clear I wouldn't be welcome to pop in for a coffee let alone go out for one.

My dc go off with my brother, their uncle, for days out a few times a year. They're older teens, I'm not jealous. I'm happy they have had a nice day out! They also see my adult cousin from the aunty I visit. They go to the gym together and active things like GoApe.

Maybe I'm odd but I'm happy my dc have family relationships (they go to my mums and pop into my nans as well as my brother and cousin) independent of me. Why wouldn't you want your dc to have strong family connections? Why does that take away your role as mum?

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 07:56

seems a bit unfriendly to not invite you imo

Sorrynotsorry2 · 06/04/2023 07:57

Op.. grow up

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 07:58

Get a grip- you can't have any actual problems if this is the kind of thing you're stressing over.

As your children are adults, it's just not your business what kind of relationship they have with your SIL.

DinosWillGetYou · 06/04/2023 08:00

This is very odd, I’d be absolutely delighted if I were you, that my children had such a great relationship with her.

Mrsjayy · 06/04/2023 08:03

My Adult dc have been out for lunches dinners drinks etc etc with their Auntie its nice that they get on and have a Separate relationship with her, you imo are being posesive and acting jealous you might want to have a word with yourself.

TruffleWaffle · 06/04/2023 08:04

Really not sure what you're aggrieved about.

Your DC are adults who live independently. You're not a unit.

camperjam · 06/04/2023 08:04

I don't understand why this would be an issue? They're adults so why would you get a say in it?
I think it's nice, I would like some of my relatives to take an interest in me.

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 08:06

if she invites them all over at the same time, and excludes you
why do you think this is?

Narrowboat1 · 06/04/2023 08:07

You are very odd. I will be actively encouraging my siblings to have a relationship with DC outside of me. If anything happened to me it would be great to know they had strong independent family relationships to lean on.

Delphigirl · 06/04/2023 08:09

You are being unreasonable. It is fantastic they have a good relationship with her, and they are adults. You should be thankful to her that she is kind and interested in them. Your post comes across as needy and childish I’m afraid.