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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 06/04/2023 08:22

Sorry but YABU. Your DCs are adults. They can go and visit whoever they want without anyone running it by you first.
We've got a young adult niece coming to stay this weekend. Pretty sure she didn't ask her parents permission to come - although I'm assuming she told them she wouldn't be visiting them over Easter.

You should be grateful that your DCs have a good relationship with their aunt - and they're getting a free meal!

FilthyforFirth · 06/04/2023 08:22

Wtf have I just read? You are being so U! I have an aunt I am extremely close to, this will really upset you, we've been on holiday together without my parents.

I am an adult and the relationship is mine, not an extension of my parents. So weird, your poor SIL.

LeFeu · 06/04/2023 08:24

Aunt wants to spend time with her nieces and nephews, what a cow. Seriously OP I would love my kids to have that relationship with their aunts as adults, that’s lush!

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 08:24

Brother’s wife?

Yeah could be I suppose. She may not be an in law to the children involved though.

I wish I had had the chance to know my aunt, who died very young when I was a baby. I think it's sad that any mother would be jealous of the relationship their children has with a loving family member.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2023 08:24

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:21

He’s your brother. You’re all blood. The op u is a talking about her SIL.

Show quote history

Who is a blood relative of the man she chose to have kids with, and of those kids. Dear god. Do you only talk to people you share blood with??

ShimmeringShirts · 06/04/2023 08:25

So you’re basically jealous that your adult children, who are no longer children, have an independent relationship with their aunt. Grow up ffs.

Itsbytheby · 06/04/2023 08:25

YABU. It's nice for children to have close relationships to other adults in their lives, including independently from their parents. I think you are being ridiculous frankly.

EggyBreads · 06/04/2023 08:26

What a shame that you are trying to turn a positive action into a negative. My sister is like you - thinks everyone is plotting behind her back - and it's just not true. Don't end up alienating your family members as a result of your insecurities.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 06/04/2023 08:26

I used to visit aunts and uncles in my teens without my parents all the time, I’d just pop by to say hi, sometimes I’d have dinner with them.

At 21 I already had a baby and lived on my own so I definitely wouldn’t have thought of running anything by my own parents.

Blessedbethefknfruit · 06/04/2023 08:27

You must think I'm crazy then as I've been taking my now adult neice out for dinner, lunches, soft plays, just general days out alone without her parents since she was about 5 years old 🤷🏼‍♀️ her parents have always been happy for us to have a close relationship and probably enjoyed the break.
I'd be mortified if they felt jealous of it 😒

Barbecuebeans · 06/04/2023 08:29

I even encourage my kids to have a relationship with my sister I don't speak to. My reasons are not going to affect them and she loves them. Why would I want to get in the way of that. I want my kids to be very loved. YABVVU

Whattt44 · 06/04/2023 08:31

My ex sil sees my daughter and I think it's lovely ! You are being very unreasonable.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 06/04/2023 08:31

What PP have said. Why does she need to ask you. You are ridiculous and should be happy to have a SIL who loves your children. You sounds extremely overbearing.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 06/04/2023 08:32

Respect your children have their own personal relationships with members of their family and don’t be like my bloody mother:

I am close to my family in different ways, some of my aunts acted like confidentes when we were growing up, some of my cousins are proper friends, with some we meet to have a coffee and talk about things that interest us or affect us, which my mother is not part of.

My mother is obviously more than welcome in more general family get togethers but it does really annoy me when she insists in joining us when we are meeting on a one to one basis or have things to discuss.

By her insisting to join us, she always (ALWAYS) ruins it for us as we cannot longer have a proper catch up and she keeps steering the conversation away from what we want to discuss (for example, a cousin wanted advice about divorce but she is not close enough to my mother to open to her about it and similar things).

It feels like having a bloody chaperone with us all the time. I wish she could understand that we can have a different relationship with members of the family than she had with them and that she is not part of and stopped imposing herself on us.

WandaWonder · 06/04/2023 08:32

It's not a competition

TrishTrix · 06/04/2023 08:33

I’m a single aunt. I keep contact with the older teens independently of their parents. This extends to meeting up ocassionally without their parent E.g cinema trip. Generally if they come for dinner I invite everyone.

parents know I do it but aren’t involved.

fortunately the parents rejoice in the fact that their children have another interested adult in their life!

MegaClutterSlut · 06/04/2023 08:34

Yabvu, You should be pleased they have an involved Aunt. My dc go round their uncles houses without me to spend time with them. I don't understand your way of thinking at all

lala2023 · 06/04/2023 08:36

Maybe she doesn't invite you because you seem like an arsehole ?

Eyerollcentral · 06/04/2023 08:36

Get help, seriously. It’s not normal to think like that. She isn’t your SIL to your children, she is their aunt. How sad that you don’t have an independent relationship with your nieces and nephews, it’s one of the greatest things in life to have aunts and uncles you adore and be adored by, an adult you can rely on who isn’t your parent and someone who sees you as an individual rather than ‘their baby’. You don’t own your children. Your poor SIL isn’t trying to steal anything and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your family dynamics sound broken.

Feemie · 06/04/2023 08:38

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:14

I’m going to go against the grain here.

In most circumstances, I would think dining with one’s aunt is completely fine. But you’ve got your shackles up because intuitively you know there’s a power play going on. Plus she’s not your blood relative - she’s an in-law.

Have you communicated your discomfort to your children? If so, what’s their response?

Frankly, they should suggest you coming along too. I bet if they did they’d see her true colours (assuming that it really is a power play).

This brings the petty-minded nuttiness of the OP to a new level of lunacy.

Yellowdays · 06/04/2023 08:38

lala2023 · 06/04/2023 08:36

Maybe she doesn't invite you because you seem like an arsehole ?

As do you, frankly.

diddl · 06/04/2023 08:38

Is your husband the father of your kids?

How often does she see him & you compared to your kids?

Is it that she has them for meals & not you?

Why do you think that you should also be there-you don't seem to like her?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2023 08:39

You don't own your adult children. Why on earth would you think anyone needed to ask your permission before inviting them round for dinner?

If your adult kids want to go, they will accept the invitation. If they're not interested, they will decline. Either way, it has nothing to do with you.

If you want to have dinner more often with them yourself, then invite them. They may or may not accept your invitation. Just a warning though that if you show them how weirdly possessive you are towards them, this might make them less inclined to spend time with you.

EyesOnThePies · 06/04/2023 08:39

I would be delighted to see my Dc continuing family networks and relationships independently.

I have Dc but see my adult nieces and nephews independently if we are in the same town.

Why do you think you might be feeling so jealous / possessive about this?

Worth putting some thought into this because resentment over it won’t improve communication with your Dc. What does your DH think?

SirVixofVixHall · 06/04/2023 08:40

I have teenagers and they both really love time alone with their uncle (my brother), or with him and his wife. I don’t have my parents any more, and I want my dc to know and love my brother. I am sure once they are adults they will pop in to see him, meet him for a meal etc. We do things all together as well, but it is important to have one on time with someone to build a close relationship.
The more people to love your children, the better surely ? Yours are adults, but having other older adults around who care about you is a really nice thing whatever age you are. It doesn’t take anything away from your own relationships with them.