Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

[SebHH]

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

I used to see my amazing wonderful aunt regularly. Sadly she died a few years ago.

My mother was like you. Incandescent that I chose to spend time with another family member and had a relationship with her that didn’t include my mother. She actually went NC with my aunt over it, and eventually with me.

Total narc bitch.

Have I got this right? Some adults in their 20s meet up with a relative who lives in their same town, and their mother who lives elsewhere wants these meetups ran through her?!
(Have had a good laugh at the powerplay comments!)

She's their aunt. They are adults. They are allowed to visit her home unsupervised. YABmassivelyU!

Is there a back story about why you dislike her?

Dear all- thanks for responses and I get the drift! I absolutely understand that my kids are adults and have their own lives… and am delighted if they have strong relationships both with friends and family… I don’t feel the same as I do with this SIL (my husbands sister) with other family/friends so think it’s something to do with her, that probably touches a raw nerve of mine… ie I realise I bring something to the mix

If it wasn't for my aunts and uncles I wouldn't have family. My parents and I parted ways a long time ago.

🤣 is this real? You want your sil to ask you if she can visit/invite your adult kids to do things? I'm cringing for you. At what age do you think would be ok to just invite them to places without your input? Are you a helicopter parent who can't let go even though they are adults?

An auntie having a relationship with her grown up nieces and nephews and you're jealous. Grow the fuck up

You shouldn’t be concerned about her inviting them over - nothing wrong with that - but does it go further, OP? Does she try to tell you things about your DC as though she knows them better than you do? Apologies if I’m making assumptions but this happened to me once in a similar situation (not SIL) and I made it clear that it wasn’t appropriate - and it hasn’t happened again. No problem with DS seeing them independently but I’m not going to be spoken to as though they know my son better than I do.

With even more separation, I frequently visit my late husband's single childless aunt (as did my husband when he was alive) and as often as I visited my MIL (who died last year). Auntie M is one of my favourite people, and treats me in every way as if I was her niece. Her actual niece (my DH's sister) doesn't resent that any more than my wonderful MIL did.

I married into a lovely family, and what makes them so lovely is their warmth, acceptance and interest in all their family members, whether original or acquired.

Yabu. Also what is this weird obsession with 'blood' on this thread? Families are more than blood relatives, they are the people who stick by you through thick and thin. Love, respect, kindness and loyalty don't really care about blood and genetics.

WTF?! My SIL sees my 11 year old on his own, I’d think it was bloody weird if that stopped when he was an adult. Are you a bit smothery as a mother?

....and the kids ARE the aunt's blood relatives! None of this makes any sense. But fortunately OP now seems to realise it.

Your update makes more sense. I have an aunt who has a very acrimonious relationship with my mother – both "power play" against each other 🙄 That said I'm a grown up and I can see what's going on and make my own decisions. As long as she isn't trying to harm your relationship with your children, for example by bad-mouthing you in front of them, it's fine. Even if she does, again your children are adults and can recognise this behaviour. Plus, their loyalty will always be to you as their mum anyway, so don't disgrace yourself by buying into the stupid feud – something my mum doesn't understand!

My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive…

Your children are adults. Neither they nor your SiL need your permission to have supper together.

Your children are not extensions of you, they are autonomous humans in their own right, & your feelings of displacement indicate an unhealthy enmeshment. Maybe this feeling is the signal you need to start detaching a little, & being happy that you have raised children who have a healthy relationship with their aunt.

The competitive feeling is more concerning. Almost like you feel SiL has no right to 'play' with your children without your gracious dispensation, which you maybe feel entitled to offer or withdraw because you, with your superior child-bearing status, ought to be the one in the driving seat of who is allowed to spend time with your offspring.
Almost as if you feel you have been "Wendied" by SiL.

My own sister was like this with her young adult DC.
Nose right out of joint when I took my nephew for our first pint together. How dare the established order be rocked! How dare a spontaneous plan happen without her express control organisation & permission! It was all connected with how astonishingly controlling she is of her DC & DH.
I do hope that's not the same deep seated motivation for you, & that it's a less sinister, more understandable, feeling of wondering who you are & what your role is now the DC have grown.

If this is more connected with a generalised insecurity (maybe you were a SAHM for many years, so your identity is still closely connected to your DC's movements through the world) - don't worry, it will pass, as you re-establish your own career & interests now you have time to be fully yourself again.

If, however, it's because you feel that you have been able to Queen Bee it over a child free woman (interesting that you opened with that - it's entirely unrelated to how she & your DC interact together, they are not her substitutes for 'failing' to achieve parturition ffs), it's likely that you see your DC as pawns to reflect & broadcast you ego, & you need to let go of that, stop believing that it's up to you to control anybody's relationship with anybody else, & do it sharpish before you push your DC away with overbearing possessiveness.

This is so pathetic. ‘Stealing them away from you?’ Are you actually 8 years old?
I’m sure SIL won’t be so keen to pay their university fees.

How ridiculous.

I would LOVE it if my children (all young) had a relationship like this with their aunties when they're grown ups, and I hope my nieces and nephews feel the same about me.

My sister has no children.My 3 all have a good relationship with her and go out separately,make own arrangements.I'm glad they have someone else to talk to and turn to if need.Think you need to let go of reigns,they are young adults and can make own choices.Better they all get on than not.

The problem is entirely you though, not bringing something to the mix, your reaction is codependent and best.

This YABVU

I don't have any aunts or uncles but I do have siblings. At the moment my db would check with me because mine are children but I am certain that he and ds who share lots of outdoorsy interests will make plans together as ds gets older. If my kids are old enough to make plans then it's up to them who with.

I wonder if you are feeling a bit sad that she is getting a more grown up relationship with them than you? Do they live at home? Are you still Mum who has to remind them to clear up after themselves and gets left with their washing etc? I can see how that might feel quite annoying. It's like when you have a new baby and all the relatives swoop in and get the nice sleepy calm cuddles and then pass back an overtired hungry baby to you to deal with.

This is a deeply weird way to think

Go and speak to someone about your jealousy.
Yabu.

I think the sentiments expressed are broadly right in that this is absolutely fine and normal, but I have met the type of person in various contacts who tries to subtly one-up you, usurp you or imply that they're closer to your nearest and dearest than you are either out of nastiness or just plain insecurity on their part and it's unpleasant (think tinkly laugh and "oh, didn't you know that X is doing Y? We discussed it at dinner last week. I assumed X would have told you [but i guess only me!]...Oh dear, have they not been too see you recently?")

If there are shades of that going on then I can understand your feelings. It might not be as black and white as it first sounds?

My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…

So your SiL takes more initiative than your sisters, who will only socialise with your DC if it's organised on a group basis.

And you feel displaced/competitive because she takes more interest in your DC as interesting people in their own right than your sisters do, who will only see them as a homogenous extension of you - or not at all.

And you somehow feel more comfortable with your sisters comparative lack of engagement with your DC?
Okaaaaay .... you maybe need to have a quiet think about that.
Your SiL is paying you a massive compliment. She loves seeing the children you raised. She bothers to make her own arrangements with her nieces & nephews because she sees them as worthwhile individuals in their own right. Not the property of their mother. Take a leaf out of her book!

Also - be proud that you have raised kids who one of their aunts actively chooses to spend time with, rather than just turning up to family-organised events & viewing them as extensions of their mother.
Love doesn't need parcelling up as if there's only so much to go round. The more you give out, the more it expands. There's more than enough room for your kids to be loved by their aunt without any diminishment of their love of you.

Why not invite SiL & DC to supper at yours, so that you can enjoy their dynamic as well? I think it would be good for you. Plus - just enjoyable for everybody!

In short - stop competing, start co-operating. Your SiL is their beloved aunt, celebrate that. Nobody is Wendying you - you are doing it to yourself, with these complicated feelings that if they autonomously love SiL, maybe there is less love to go around for you. That's nonsense, so spend some time working out what is motivating your feelings. If it's because you feel control slipping away, or that SiL has no right to enjoy "your DC" as "her relatives", maybe book some therapy, because that is enmeshment & control & you need to deal with it.
If it's more a feeling of middle-aged insecurity as you come to terms with who you are now the main work of motherhood is completed, start working on your own autonomy - career, hobbies, interests, friends. Because this jealousy (be frank, this is a motivator) will only harm you.

You need to get over yourself, your kids can go where they want and Sil is their aunt, she doesn't need your permission.