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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
Showersugar · 06/04/2023 08:10

The idea of grown adults only having a relationship with their aunt through the paradigm of their immediate family is really infantalising and odd.

You should be proud that your children are able to navigate adult/ family relationships on their own - it's a sign you did your job right!

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 08:11

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 08:06

if she invites them all over at the same time, and excludes you
why do you think this is?

😬😁 indeed

BHRK · 06/04/2023 08:12

I see my aunt without my parents there, I love having a separate relationship with her! You are being silly. I still love my parents

Backstreets · 06/04/2023 08:12

YABU and ridiculous. Ooh get her trying to have a relationship with her own bloody family.

xPaz · 06/04/2023 08:13

Well I must be as ridiculous as you @SebHH
I'd find it a little inconsiderate that I wasn't invited, or even told.
Not that I'd want her to ask my permission, but I'd want her to make it less obvious she wants a relationship with them that EXCLUDES me. And not just excludes me, but excludes the courtesy of a bit of finessing the exclusion.

Enko · 06/04/2023 08:14

I'm 53 and still visits my aunts without my dad for his sister (mum is dead now so I really do need to with her sister)

I wonder though is it more about empty nest and feeling you don't get enough time with your children?

Does them visiting sil make you feel lonely or left out?

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:14

I’m going to go against the grain here.

In most circumstances, I would think dining with one’s aunt is completely fine. But you’ve got your shackles up because intuitively you know there’s a power play going on. Plus she’s not your blood relative - she’s an in-law.

Have you communicated your discomfort to your children? If so, what’s their response?

Frankly, they should suggest you coming along too. I bet if they did they’d see her true colours (assuming that it really is a power play).

Mrsjayy · 06/04/2023 08:15

A couple of my Aunts used to look after me when mum was working, so I always visited independently as an adult it's not a huge deal.

xPaz · 06/04/2023 08:15

it's also odd to be excluded when she doesn't dislike you, you get on well!

I think in her shoes, I would have set up the fortnightly invitation for the whole family and then tried to make it, well, whoever is free, come along. Not the conscious decision to invite only her niece(s)/nephew(s)

Justcallmebebes · 06/04/2023 08:16

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:14

I’m going to go against the grain here.

In most circumstances, I would think dining with one’s aunt is completely fine. But you’ve got your shackles up because intuitively you know there’s a power play going on. Plus she’s not your blood relative - she’s an in-law.

Have you communicated your discomfort to your children? If so, what’s their response?

Frankly, they should suggest you coming along too. I bet if they did they’d see her true colours (assuming that it really is a power play).

"They'd see her true colours". Power play? Come on Confused

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 08:16

xPaz · 06/04/2023 08:13

Well I must be as ridiculous as you @SebHH
I'd find it a little inconsiderate that I wasn't invited, or even told.
Not that I'd want her to ask my permission, but I'd want her to make it less obvious she wants a relationship with them that EXCLUDES me. And not just excludes me, but excludes the courtesy of a bit of finessing the exclusion.

Maybe because they aren't 5, the aunt thinks, as most people would, that they can have a relationship with her on their own terms?

pimplebum · 06/04/2023 08:18

Maybe there is a reason she doesn't want you there as well
Are you competing? Have ridiculous emotions?

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 08:18

Plus she’s not your blood relative - she’s an in-law

Not to the children, she isn't, I'm presuming husband's sister? Husbands family can never do anything right on Mumsnet after all.

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:18

Justcallmebebes · 06/04/2023 08:16

"They'd see her true colours". Power play? Come on Confused

Show quote history

Oh come on yourself. How many threads here about in-laws and power plays? As a woman, you know exactly what other females can be like. And if you read carefully, the op senses something hence her unhappiness over the situation.

Bonniegirlie · 06/04/2023 08:18

Jealous much? Good grief. I have relationships with my nephews and nieces separate to their parents. You don't own your children, they're people in their own right. Not surprised you don't get invited with this attitude. One of the most ridiculous posts I have ever seen on here. Sheesh. Get a grip.

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:19

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 08:18

Plus she’s not your blood relative - she’s an in-law

Not to the children, she isn't, I'm presuming husband's sister? Husbands family can never do anything right on Mumsnet after all.

Brother’s wife?

CalistoNoSolo · 06/04/2023 08:19

I bet she's the fun aunt and you're (not so) secretly jealous that your children have a great time with her. Are you insecure about your own relationship with your children?

Sloth66 · 06/04/2023 08:19

My brother sees my sons independently. It’s good for them to have other family meet ups.

WoofingUpTheIncorrectShrub · 06/04/2023 08:19

On the face of it, YABU.

Having said that, I have a single ex-SIL who used to try to "take over" my DC when we got together with her and ex-in-laws (at least fortnightly). An early example is that when DC1 was a baby, we arrived at PIL's for a family gathering. At the door, FIL announced, "SIL, I've got something for you" (without so much as saying hello to me). He then handed DC1 to SIL, who took DC1 and proceeded to tell everyone there all about DC1's progress and basically announced a schedule for everyone to take turns holding DC1, which she then policed. One of DH's younger cousins didn't want to hold DC1 and SIL was very peeved and I had to step in and say that cousin didn't have to hold DC1, which seemed to annoy SIL even more. It was all rather bizarre and she basically continued in a similar vein over the years, essentially behaving (as far as she could push it) as if she were their mother.

Anyway, I don't have to see her anymore because I divorced XH. Although I think she's got some really unhealthy boundary issues and I wouldn't love the idea of her getting together very frequently with my DC when they're adults if that meant that I saw them less often, I can still see that I'd have no right whatsoever to object to it. As PP have said, you have no control over what adults do and risk alienating them if you try to.

But I can understand why OP might feel a bit "off" about the situation if her SIL is like my ex-SIL. So, bit of a long-winded way of saying it depends very much on what the blurred boundaries are. Even then, although you feel how you feel, it would be very unreasonable to say anything about it.

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:20

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 06/04/2023 08:18

Plus she’s not your blood relative - she’s an in-law

Not to the children, she isn't, I'm presuming husband's sister? Husbands family can never do anything right on Mumsnet after all.

And she’s not a blood relative to the op either 😂

Mrsjayy · 06/04/2023 08:20

Goodness me "power play" that's melodramatic !

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:21

Sloth66 · 06/04/2023 08:19

My brother sees my sons independently. It’s good for them to have other family meet ups.

He’s your brother. You’re all blood. The op u is a talking about her SIL.

Newmum0322 · 06/04/2023 08:21

Me and my siblings have always had a close relationship with aunts and uncles outside of our parents. Popping into say hi over a cup of tea, shopping in the Christmas markets, dinners etc… totally normal!!

It made it very easy for us to maintain a wonderful relationship with them once my mum passed. We spend big holidays together, birthdays and summer BBQs… and we still pop in for the occasional Lunch/Dinner!

Embrace it, it’s a lovely thing.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2023 08:22

You're being ridiculous.

Do they call you and ask you to supervise their other adult relationships? Do they confirm with you what night they're having sex?

Perhaps you should take a leaf out of your SILs book and build adult relationships with your nieces and nephews instead of seeing them purely as the fruit of your sisters womb

Mrsjayy · 06/04/2023 08:22

LotteLomax · 06/04/2023 08:20

And she’s not a blood relative to the op either 😂

Show quote history

That doesn't really matter she's a blood relative of the children and seems to get on well with her non blood relative the children are adults who can see who they .like .