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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
Witchbitch20 · 06/04/2023 08:41

Newsflash!

Childless women are not trying to steal children, by taking an interest in them.

Hazelnuttella · 06/04/2023 08:41

YABU. I was really happy when my Aunty moved to my hometown recently, I love seeing her. I love seeing my mum too but I’m allowed to see them separately!

I’d be very upset if my Aunty only wanted to see me if my parents were there too. How odd.

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/04/2023 08:41

YABU your children are adults who can do what they want.

Tandora · 06/04/2023 08:43

WTF have I just read 😳. Your adult children are allowed to have independent relationships with people . There relationships with others do not need to be supervised/ mediated by you! Especially with their own aunt!!

Starlitestarbright · 06/04/2023 08:44

I have an auntie who doesn't have children I don't go through my dm to see her why on earth would I. You sound jealous of your dc relationship with her. This is not normal behaviour to micromanage who your dc have relationships with the wider family as adults.

slowquickstep · 06/04/2023 08:45

You are still their mum, they still love you, nobody can take your place. Now let them be adults and you go and find a fun filled life of your own.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2023 08:45

As a woman, you know exactly what other females can be like.

@LotteLomax what the fuck is this supposed to mean?

Farmageddon · 06/04/2023 08:45

Is this one of those things where some parents think that people without children are not really entitled to good relationships with adult children, because they didn't put the work in raising them or something?

You know like we hear on MN a lot that those of us who don't have children will end up old and alone. But actually, most of us have the benefits of good relationships with nieces and nephews, and indeed friend's children.

OP try to think of it as them gaining rather than you losing.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/04/2023 08:46

She’s the cool auntie isn’t she? My sister is and my kids love her, always have. She sadly lives a long way from us, but when they have been on trips to her city they love going out with her. I think it’s great.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2023 08:47

Witchbitch20 · 06/04/2023 08:41

Newsflash!

Childless women are not trying to steal children, by taking an interest in them.

Moreover, adult children are not possessions that can be stolen. They have minds of their own and can decide who they do or don't want to have dinner with!!

glowyhighway · 06/04/2023 08:47

YABU, very unusual possessive attitude. I don't want to overthink it but I wonder if this possessiveness creeps elsewhere too. Do you ever feel others (apart from your SIL) are out to "steal" your children from you too, as you put it? Maybe like your children's partners?

I would be happy to see my children have other close relations / support sources / mentors close relations in their life. You must let your adult children have their own relationships in life. You won't always be around, and can't be the only older adult they turn to or enjoy time with. It may be nice for you if they are "all yours", but it's not nice for them.

Even before adulthood, aunts and uncles often take kids/teens out on their own. The "cool aunt" and "cool uncle" stereotype (in some cases, eg unmarried or no kids) is because kids see them as a separate entity from their parents!

Riverlee · 06/04/2023 08:47

On mn, people always say trust your senses, and something here is not quite sitting right with you. On one side, it’s nice your sil wants to invite your adult dc around for a meal. However, you mentioned boundary issues and intrusiveness so your tingly senses are sending out a warning. Maybe are intentions are not quite so honourable.Oneupmanship?

What is do dc say about the visits? Do they enjoy them or feel obliged to go? Are they open about the visits, and how frequent are they?

RisingSunn · 06/04/2023 08:47

I think as they are in their 20s. It’s fine and a nice relationship to have.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/04/2023 08:48

Come on you KNOW you’re being unreasonable

She’s their aunt, and they are quite entitled to see her without you. It’s called having a variety of relationships and it’s healthy.

Why would you want to stop your children having valuable relationships with an aunt?

TrashyPanda · 06/04/2023 08:48

“Blood relative”?

why does that matter?

not all families have ties of blood. It is the actual relationships between people that matter, not if they share genetics.

Sierra26 · 06/04/2023 08:49

I would have loved to be closer to and have stronger more independent relationships with my aunties and uncles. On the rare occasion now that I see them alone, my parents literally ooze with pride and happiness that I’m building relationships with family members. It makes them happy to see me doing it and they wouldn’t be jealous for a second.

enjoy and encourage this!

saraclara · 06/04/2023 08:50

How lovely that she does this, and that they all have such a good relationship! I really hope that my granddaughter has that kind of relationship with her aunt. We have very little family, so the closer they all are when she's an adult, the better!

My sister in law sometimes travels down to visit my daughter who is 40 minutes away from me. I often don't know until after the visit, and don't need to. I'm just glad that my daughter has a warm and supportive relationship with her aunt.

glowyhighway · 06/04/2023 08:50

Riverlee · 06/04/2023 08:47

On mn, people always say trust your senses, and something here is not quite sitting right with you. On one side, it’s nice your sil wants to invite your adult dc around for a meal. However, you mentioned boundary issues and intrusiveness so your tingly senses are sending out a warning. Maybe are intentions are not quite so honourable.Oneupmanship?

What is do dc say about the visits? Do they enjoy them or feel obliged to go? Are they open about the visits, and how frequent are they?

Even if it's oneupmanship (though there's no evidence at all for that), OP's children are already adults and can decide what to do on their own. OP should not involve them in a weird tug of war in an imaginary competition.

Unless SIL is actually going to do something criminal or mentally harmful to the children, OP should not intervene or even say anything, IMO.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2023 08:51

TyGoch · 06/04/2023 07:41

Also, what exactly do you mean by 'for context - my SIL has no children of her own'? Are you suggesting that this poor lonely old stick has no idea how real families work, or that she's trying to steal a pre-raised pair of babies with a gingerbread house Waitrose Dine in for £10?

I suspect the latter.

"They're MY babies and now she wants them all for herself!! Doesn't she understand children are for life not for sharing!????? "

God gel them when the kids have babies and they take them to Aunts without Mom being there to make sure she doesn't touch the progeny.

MerryHen · 06/04/2023 08:51

I enjoy visiting and, now I live further away, staying with my aunt, have done since I was a teen. It wouldn't ever occur to me to run it my my mum first, we have our own relationship.

Hillary17 · 06/04/2023 08:52

This makes me so sad. As an Auntie (in-law) who doesn’t yet have children, I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews. They’re still young but always over for sleepovers, I take them to activities etc. My SIL is so encouraging of our relationship and loves how much they mean to me. That won’t change when they get older, your kids are so lucky to have an Auntie who loves them!

ancientgran · 06/04/2023 08:52

Aren't your children lucky that they have people who love them. I have an aunt, almost 90, she never had children although she dearly wanted them. Her siblings died much younger so it has been nice for me and my cousins that we had a close relationship with her, it helped when our own parents were no longer with us.

LordEmsworth · 06/04/2023 08:52

At what age do you think your children will be old and mature enough to make the decision about who they spend time with, without having to have you there or get your approval?

If they're going to see her instead of seeing you, then I can see why you're upset - but you're blaming the wrong person. They don't have to go to hers, they could choose to see you instead.

SeaDee · 06/04/2023 08:53

You are being absolutely ridiculous

glowyhighway · 06/04/2023 08:54

Even if I wanted to run seeing a relative by my parents (which I wouldn't because my parents are normal), I would run it by the parent directly related to that side of the family.

So in this case, even if your SIL or children were to seek "permission" from / inform anyone (which is quite silly), it would be your husband (SIL's brother).