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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

309 replies

SebHH · 06/04/2023 07:24

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

OP posts:
Selttan · 07/04/2023 19:46

I hang out with my niece just us all the time. We are planning an overseas holiday together next year.

It never occurred to me to invite my sister. My relationship with my niece is separate from my relationship with my sister.

BellePeppa · 07/04/2023 19:56

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:20

I think she is wrong to exclude u. How does yr husband feel? Would she do this if she had her own children? Probably not!

Huh? How is she wrong to see her adult nieces and nephews without parental interference. Please explain as it’s nonsensical to anyone with any logic.

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 19:58

If it’s sneaky and she is disrespectful about you behind your back and/or trying to assume the role of parent or main care giver/confidant then no, it’s not good.

If she’s lonely and enjoys their company then not so much.

My nephew is round regularly as he does a sport near me- he often talks about his mum (who clearly adores him and he her). I always talk positively about her and try to give him some perspective. I also don’t try to be his mum. It’s just boundaries.

Could you talk it out with her?

BellePeppa · 07/04/2023 20:03

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 19:58

If it’s sneaky and she is disrespectful about you behind your back and/or trying to assume the role of parent or main care giver/confidant then no, it’s not good.

If she’s lonely and enjoys their company then not so much.

My nephew is round regularly as he does a sport near me- he often talks about his mum (who clearly adores him and he her). I always talk positively about her and try to give him some perspective. I also don’t try to be his mum. It’s just boundaries.

Could you talk it out with her?

They’re adults, I doubt she’s trying to be the main care giver. And so what if she’s a confidante or even the main one. I talked to my aunt (childless, unmarried if that’s of any relevance) about all sorts of stuff I’d never talk to my mum about.

There are some posters on here with very strange views of aunts and their adult nieces and nephews. 😵‍💫

Spiderboy · 07/04/2023 20:07

You’re being beyond unreasonable. Please be so grateful your children have people in their lives who care about their wellbeing and want to check in with them. They have their own individual relationships without you. If anything your siblings relationships with your kids sounds more superficial

MysteryBelle · 07/04/2023 20:13

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 19:58

If it’s sneaky and she is disrespectful about you behind your back and/or trying to assume the role of parent or main care giver/confidant then no, it’s not good.

If she’s lonely and enjoys their company then not so much.

My nephew is round regularly as he does a sport near me- he often talks about his mum (who clearly adores him and he her). I always talk positively about her and try to give him some perspective. I also don’t try to be his mum. It’s just boundaries.

Could you talk it out with her?

I agree with this. Op, it may be that your instincts are telling you something. Try to figure out exactly what sil has said and done in the past, if anything, that makes you feel weird about this. Then you can judge whether or not you’re reasonable in your concerns.

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 20:42

@BellePeppa I wouldn’t use the words ‘parental interference’. What makes you think the OP would be interfering? Nothing in her post suggests that she is the interfering type. My rational conclusion from reading a post in which the OP uses words like ‘struggled, blurred boundaries and intrusive’ about her SIL indicates to me that she hasn’t always had the easiest relationship with her. If her children enjoy going to their aunts for dinner then that is great. If her SIL enjoys having her brothers children for dinner then that is great too. If the OP uses words about her SILs invites like ‘stealing, displaced and competitive’ then that is not great.

BellePeppa · 07/04/2023 20:47

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 20:42

@BellePeppa I wouldn’t use the words ‘parental interference’. What makes you think the OP would be interfering? Nothing in her post suggests that she is the interfering type. My rational conclusion from reading a post in which the OP uses words like ‘struggled, blurred boundaries and intrusive’ about her SIL indicates to me that she hasn’t always had the easiest relationship with her. If her children enjoy going to their aunts for dinner then that is great. If her SIL enjoys having her brothers children for dinner then that is great too. If the OP uses words about her SILs invites like ‘stealing, displaced and competitive’ then that is not great.

If they were children she may feel displaced but they are adults. Adults can make their own decisions who they see and when. My mum didn’t really gel with my aunt but she never worried or resented the fact I spent time with her. I went on holiday with her as a teenager (I never went away with just my mum) and she was far more of a confidante than my mum, but my mum was still my mum and my aunt was always an aunt, I never muddled them up.

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 21:00

@BellePeppa they are her adult children in their early 20s and how she feels is how she feels and it’s not for us to judge.
Have a lovely Easter.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 07/04/2023 22:18

I mean... I see my niece without my sister and she's 6!

AncientBallerina · 07/04/2023 22:29

This lady is your husband’s sister? Therefore a blood relative of your children. I see my aunt without my mum - in fact she’s a hell of a lot nicer to me than my mum. And my daughters see my sister without me - I’m glad they have an independent relationship with other adults in the family who care about them. There should be no no problem here.

fatchilli123 · 07/04/2023 23:01

She's a proper aunty, I like her . Wish I was nearer my nieces so I could be like that too. Aunty privilege I would say to entertain nieces and nephews. Nice that they like her enough to entertain her feeding them . A lot of families don't get on so well so this is heart-warming 🥰

Wavinggoodbyetoo · 08/04/2023 04:00

My recently deceased Aunt was one of the most inspiring and wonderful women I have ever met. I loved her and would visit if in the area.

I also love my DM with whom I have a special bond.

OP, it doesn’t have to be something to fear. If my own DM had queried a visit I would have wondered if she’d lost it.

Kaiserchief · 08/04/2023 06:59

I think it’s lovely that she wants to have a relationship with them. My sister lives a mile away and sees my kids once a month, if that.

wellstopdoingitthen · 08/04/2023 07:02

My adult nieces & nephew visit me without their parents' permit. It's lovely. I'm not 'stealing' them!

InSpainTheRain · 08/04/2023 09:57

YABVU unless there is a bid back story.

Erictheavocado · 08/04/2023 10:42

I have relationships with my aunts from both sides, that are not dependent on my mum knowing every time we see each other or with her being included in the invitation. I am an adult. I do not have to ask my mum's permission to see my relatives whenever it suits us. My mum, like you, seems put out about it even though she enjoys relationships with them that don't include me. And, get ready to really have your mind blown OP, my own DC's, who are adults with their own homes and families, also have their own relationships with my aunts ( so their great aunts) and I am not usually included in their invitations. Guess what? I am happy that my family are able to have those adult relationships with each other, and that when the time comes that DH and I are no longer around, they have a good family around them to support them through any difficult moments.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/04/2023 10:46

AllyArty · 07/04/2023 19:20

I think she is wrong to exclude u. How does yr husband feel? Would she do this if she had her own children? Probably not!

You haven't RTFT have you? It's full of PP, saying they do just this with theor own nieces & nephews.

Sorry to shock you - but some of those PP are PARENTS themselves.

But don't let that stop you leveraging a misogynistic trope about childfree women, huh?

KettrickenSmiled · 08/04/2023 10:50

Mendholeai · 07/04/2023 19:58

If it’s sneaky and she is disrespectful about you behind your back and/or trying to assume the role of parent or main care giver/confidant then no, it’s not good.

If she’s lonely and enjoys their company then not so much.

My nephew is round regularly as he does a sport near me- he often talks about his mum (who clearly adores him and he her). I always talk positively about her and try to give him some perspective. I also don’t try to be his mum. It’s just boundaries.

Could you talk it out with her?

Why have you boiled this down to a binary choice between sneaky & lonely?

Does it not occur to you that the most likely scenario is neither of these?
Just a non-sneaky, not-lonely aunt, enjoying the company of her younger extended family.

GullibleMuM · 08/04/2023 11:36

Being an auntie is wonderful and it’s lovely she has enjoyed their company. Your feelings are understandable but recognize them and put them to one side. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. Some are still kids, some adults. I wish they wanted to see me more x

T1Dmama · 08/04/2023 11:56

I think it’s lovely that your kids have a good relationship with their aunt.
My niece js currently visiting all of us without her parents and is staying with family here in the U.K. for a year. (My sister lives abroad)
Your children can visit their friends without you, why is visiting their own Aunt an issue?? It is jealous and possessive behaviour OP.

zingally · 08/04/2023 13:10

You're being ridiculous.

I'd personally be pleased if my adult children were having a family relationship with (presumably) another sensible and interested adult.

Kaiserchief · 08/04/2023 13:34

GullibleMuM · 08/04/2023 11:36

Being an auntie is wonderful and it’s lovely she has enjoyed their company. Your feelings are understandable but recognize them and put them to one side. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. Some are still kids, some adults. I wish they wanted to see me more x

Aww make sure you ask to see them often - my kids would love to see my sister more (we have a small family) but she’s very busy. They ask a lot just after they’ve seen her but stop asking after a while 😞

Manthide · 08/04/2023 14:13

I've been thinking of my only SiL and her relationship with my 4 dc. If I never saw her - and especially her dh - I'd be very happy. My 2 eldest dds invited her and her dc to their weddings and it was fine (she couldn't go to dd1's in the end because of covid). I was polite but that was it - she lives 2000 miles from me. I'd certainly rather they had a relationship with her than me and hopefully the older ones can recognise her shallow, manipulate behaviour but that's on them. She is their only aunt. They tend to communicate with their 2 cousins who are also now adult as her English isn't very good. Generally though I encourage family relationships as we're not a big family.

RosaBonheur · 08/04/2023 14:16

Honestly I think it's lovely that she makes an effort to maintain a close relationship with her adult nieces and nephews, and that they apparently want that relationship with her. Unless there's some massive back story here, I can't see how this is anything other than beneficial for both your kids and her. In any case, your kids are adults and they don't need your permission to see any friends or family they want.