Is my SIL treading on my toes with my adult children?

[SebHH]

For context- my SIL has no children of her own. I’m close to her though have struggled a bit over the years with her being slightly blurry with boundaries, I’ve experienced her as intrusive at times (though in a well intentioned way). She lives in the same town as us and as my adult children who are all in their early 20s and who all live independently.
My SIL will ask my children around for supper without asking us. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel like she’s stealing them away from me, it makes me feel displaced/competitive… My own sisters, who similarly live in the same town and who have children of their own would be involved with mine but would only see them if we were all gathering together… the same with me and their adult children. I wouldn’t see them independently of my sisters…
I don’t know whether with my SIL she is just doing things a different way, different from how my family do things but not unreasonable… or whether there is something a bit odd about it…
AIBU to feel aggrieved??

It's perfectly normal for adult children to visit independently of you.
Do you feel threatened by your SiL?
They might love her more than you?
I think it's lovely they like your SiLs company
I have 3 adult DS's and I'm happy if they're happy

The thing is saraclara that whilst you say no one can take you being a mum away. The role can be altered to someone who just gave birth.

I personally don’t have contact with my own mother. The fact is she is still my mother but I haven’t seen her for 40+ years

If you swap absent father with childless sister then you might understand

There have been threads about fathers who have not had any responsibility for their children. Left everything up to the mother who has had to compromise their job/career and ended up poorer because of it but then the father is the one the children as adults are having meals with and going out with and the mother can’t compete with what the other person has amassed whilst she was the one being responsible for the children.

Seb I can see that as adults the children can have dinner with who ever they want but if you are feeling it in your gut that something is off especially as you say she has a habit of blurring the boundaries then I would examine why and take note of your gut.

There are loads of things that on the surface look perfectly acceptable but our gut tells us deep down they are not

You can’t compare an aunt to absent father. No idea why you have put the qualifier of childless. Because and aunt was never their parent. Bringing up the children with the mother, was never an aunt’s responsibility. The Aunt never had legal or moral parental responsibility.

2 (present but separated) parents of children often don’t get on. That doesn’t automatically mean the children have to take sides and it doesn’t automatically mean one is right.

The fact that you seem to be attaching some negativity to this because she doesn’t have kids is really really odd. women without don’t go around trying to snatch adult children away from their parents.

Flipping an Aunt (‘childless’ or not) into the position of a parent doesn’t work at all.

My relationship with my parents, aunts, siblings, cousins have evolved as I have grown up. It’s not the same as when I was a child. They are now adult relationships and mine to manage. I would find it entirely bizarre if my Dad (mum died recently) felt he needed to be involved in every interaction with my mums sisters.

I don’t like one of my cousins, my mum adored her. I found her to be manipulative. She often visited my mum, called her and spent time with her. I had no issue because my mum had her own relationship with her. I didn’t feel displaced or that my cousin was trying to steal my mum or pretend to be her daughter. I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling my cousin I must be involved in their interactions.

AIBU to feel aggrieved??

YABU - and what a nasty way to think of your sister in law - your children’s aunt.

She wants to have an adult relationship with her nephews/nieces. Instead of thinking how this is a wonderful enrichment of your DCs’ lives, you snark.

I am a niece and an aunt. The relationship of aunt to niece/nephews is a really precious one. Close family but not a parent. It can be really important for DC. And my closest aunt is a huge comfort to me in facing my mother’s final illness. Theyhave a lifelong relationship that I love seeing.

Then why has she posted on here asking if she’s being unreasonable if it’s not to judge?

Oh good I hope my SIL doesn’t feel same way! My niece and nephew and their spouses come to mine a lot- lunch, tea( dinner) or just a cuppa. I’ve been with my niece or “ niece in law” on visits out. They’re all in late 20s and such lovely people. I’d be flattered you raised such lovely humans that SIL loves their company so much😊

my 2 adult sons live over 200 miles away. they can’t pop round like that. But the cousins meet up occasionally when they want t IPs to my sons cities and need free bed and breakfast, and my son is dog sitting for my niece, close to my home, later this year- I only found out incidentally but frankly why should I need to know and I think it’s lovely they want to hang out with each other. They lived a long way apart as small kids and have only got close in later tens, which makes it even nicer

having family bonds that extend through generations helps gel family relationships- it doesn’t take anything from you, Op. They will benefit from having good social connections with older adults as well as their peer group.

It’s positive for them better around at your SIL
than out getting trashed like most 20 year olds .
I hear that you feel excluded, my childless aunt used to drag me all over the place she was very lonely I see now, I know it upset my mother, who was very controlling etc
Go with it the more adults in their lives the better in the long run
It’s part of growing up to avoid parents tbh

This is obviously something to do with your relationship with SIL. Maybe you don’t properly like/trust her? You need to focus on that. Not a good idea to involve anyone else in that feeling. Friends or family

I think your history with her is influencing your feelings. Do you feel as if she’s attempting to form close relationships with your children and exclude you, thereby
usurping your closeness to them? You’re feeling threatened.