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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of my son

182 replies

onescoopofgelato · 04/04/2023 23:29

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

OP posts:
Krumpet · 04/04/2023 23:57

Yes it would be both sad and pathetic to say you're jealous of your own son. He's grown up, an actual adult. Let him go and adult. You say his Dad smothers him financially but it sounds like you smother him emotionally. You need to back off and accept he's his own person.

OnaBegonia · 05/04/2023 00:00

YABU for this I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.
what an odd situation to bring kids into.

DemonCopperhead · 05/04/2023 00:08

YABU and rather odd

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 00:08

I honestly don't think you're jealous of your son at all. I think it's mixture of things:

  1. You are, to some extent 'losing your first born as he's an adult now and no.matter how close you are, his priorities will now be his friends, GFs, social life, his studies and/or work.

2.you're sad this is the first year he won't be going on holiday together as a family.

  1. I think seeing him enjoy life to the full has maybe reminded you that you've lost some (all?) Of your friends along the way and possibility for social gatherings are not there as often as you'd like.

He goes out with his dad so why don't you ask if its OK the two of you get together once a month or so too, just the two of you and have a meal out, a drink or brunch. Anything, but just an hour or two when you can get some quality time with him when he's not distracted with friends or his phone whatever.

You've already said he's great with your DC so maybe also ask him (or anyone you trust) to babysit while you have an occasional day or night out with friends. You deserve to able to enjoy the some time just being you and nurture your own friendships

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 00:13

Wow, harsh comments from some there OP, but I think some of your feelings are genuinely driven by something other than jealousy and maybe more out of loneliness.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 05/04/2023 00:15

OnaBegonia · 05/04/2023 00:00

YABU for this I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.
what an odd situation to bring kids into.

This. What an absolute shitshow.

Freddiefox · 05/04/2023 00:21

I don’t think you are jealous, i think they are the wrong words.

I think you are going through changes, stages of life with your ds and it’s hard. You have this little thing that you have to care for and it feels like it will be forever, it really it a blink, and then they are off.
All that effort and long nights feel so removed, and you now have an adult who is finding his way in the world, and you are not the main focus anymore.
but you still hold the same love for him, just now it has less of an outlet. It’s sad, and a hard part of being a parent. Be kind to yourself.

givingupchocolatemonday · 05/04/2023 00:21

It sounds like your getting confused over 'jealousy'
I'm not sure how your feeling but the way you describe your son doesn't sound like your jealous.
People who are jealous tend to send nastier things over nice.
Maybe your going through the motions of your boy growing up and becoming an adult.
Also completely normal to feel like your child favours their dad, I think all split parents go through this.

Maybe you just need to go through the motions and not beat yourself up about your feelings, they sound pretty normal.
However stop using the word jealous

PlinkPlonkFizz · 05/04/2023 00:23

OP I think some of your feelings are natural as our adult children launch into the big bad world. If we've done a good job of parenting they don't seem to need us as much. I've a hunch that if you had a partner to chat with about these things you might realise that some of the feelings you have are to be expected?
If you have the opportunity to speak with a counsellor about the situation I think it would really help you too. Big change is hard to navigate alone and they could assist you with communicating with your DS in a positive way, without making him resent you.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2023 00:24

You sound a but like a teenager yourself op, sorry but that's my impression.
I donunderstand why you had two more children with a cheater after splitting with him.
If you can't respect yourself why think a 19yr old would I'm sure he loves you but he probably knows you are a bit of a mess.

Lastly, it's quite normal for 19yr olds to not spend so much time with parents, they are learning to be separate from the family home, it's normal to feel a bit sad about it but jealous? I'm not sure you've used the right word here.

Permanentlymildlymiffed · 05/04/2023 00:53

I assume English is not the OP’s first language as a word close to jealous means possessive/ overprotective in some European languages. In fact everything you’ve said makes you sound like a typical, loving but slightly too attached southern European mother. All quite common feelings of wanting to maintain the closeness you had with your son when he was younger while you realise he’s naturally becoming more independent and beginning to start his own life away from the family home. You’ll always be his mother and no one can replace that.

StillMedusa · 05/04/2023 01:06

I think you aren't so much jealous as grieving the loss of your little boy that is now a man, with an independent life from yours, especially when his life is better than your was as a teen.
I have four (now adults) children. My DS1 was always 'mine'. I adore all my kids but he was the one who stayed home the longest (my girls went off to University and were very independent afterwards, and the youngest has autism so our relationship is somewhat different because of his needs)

7 years ago at 22 he met a lovely girl. From Australia. Now he's married to her (I love her dearly) and living on the other side of the world. I miss him terribly... our close bond, him planting a kiss on the top of my head with 'Night Mum, love you' Him playing new songs he had written to test them out on me (he's a musician)

But he wasn't mine to keep forever. He's a man. I watched him find his wife, watched them grow as a couple and realised he was only ever mine for a few short years really... that's how it's meant to be.

I think some counselling would really help you. They still love you, you know, but yes your children move on and you become a loving background to their adult lives.

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 01:14

You sound a bit intense and probably need a life of your own to focus on. I'm assuming you are happy for you son and I'm guessing jealous in the sense that you probably wished/wish you had a fun life that yourself which I think is understandable in some ways.

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 05/04/2023 01:16

His gf text you to thank you for your him? Wtf? He’s 19. It all sounds fake, OTT and weird af.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/04/2023 01:19

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read

Original poster
onescoopofgelato · 05/04/2023 01:19

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

Although we live in the U.K English is not my first language, Russia is my native country.

OP posts:
Original poster
onescoopofgelato · 05/04/2023 01:21

Yes I know it sounds quiet weird, I was in two minds whether to post this or not. Unfortunately, it’s just the way I feel right now, maybe the feeling will disappear soon.

OP posts:
ladycardamom · 05/04/2023 01:23

You're not jealous of your son. You're just missing him.

retrosteamband · 05/04/2023 01:24

Why are you “proud” that “he’s the boy that girls fancy”? His love life isn’t an accomplishment. Also attractive people are commonplace, and unattractive people manage to date and have relationships, so it’s an odd measurement of success. It’s the norm to date and eventually have children, it’s not remarkable.

DramaAlpaca · 05/04/2023 01:24

I am also a mum of three boys, older than yours.

Let him go. That is what's supposed to happen. You've done a good job, you've given him roots and wings. Now let him fly.

Original poster
onescoopofgelato · 05/04/2023 01:24

ladycardamom · 05/04/2023 01:23

You're not jealous of your son. You're just missing him.

I think you’re right, I do miss him. I will just try to focus on my younger two boys from now one.

I feel a lot better now I’ve let it out on here, this is something that I couldn’t tell people I know in real life.

OP posts:
Bananavape · 05/04/2023 01:27

Why did u have more kids with ur ex husband?

SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 01:32

You sound unhealthily obsessed with your son and it's quite disturbing Confused

He updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day Why are you watching all of his social media updates??? That's really strange

Original poster
onescoopofgelato · 05/04/2023 01:34

Bananavape · 05/04/2023 01:27

Why did u have more kids with ur ex husband?

Because I wanted more children, I would prefer if they were all fathered by the same man.

OP posts:
Original poster
onescoopofgelato · 05/04/2023 01:35

DramaAlpaca · 05/04/2023 01:24

I am also a mum of three boys, older than yours.

Let him go. That is what's supposed to happen. You've done a good job, you've given him roots and wings. Now let him fly.

Thank you

OP posts:
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