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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of my son

182 replies

onescoopofgelato · 04/04/2023 23:29

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

OP posts:
Advicerequest · 05/04/2023 06:50

He may well loop back again. I was very preoccupied with my own life in my 20s and 30s and lived abroad but in my 40s and 50s I see mer parents regularly and speak to them often. I also think what you're feeling is normal. I'm a single parent and I've been dreading mt kids leaving home since the day they were born!

RampantIvy · 05/04/2023 07:06

You are mouring the little boy you have lost, who has now grown into an independent young man. He sounds like he is a credit to you.

He is 19, and an adult. He wants to be more independent. Is he not at or going to university?

Your son sounds happy. Believe me there is nothing worse than having an unhappy child. DD is over 2 hours away and struggling with being dumped by someone she was in a relationship for a year. I wish I could make things better for her but I can't.

Mog09 · 05/04/2023 07:06

You sound like you have low self esteem, especially given that you carried on sleeping with and getting pregnant by your ex husband after he hurt you by cheating. That probably means you are a little envious of your sons life as a confident, sociable person. It doesn’t mean you can’t change that though.

What do you do for yourself? Do you have friends, hobbies? Could be a good place to start.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 05/04/2023 07:09

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel that way. It’s very hard when children start to become truly independent from you. I look at my DD aged 19 and marvel that my baby has grown into a strong, independent woman, with a self-confidence I never had at her age. I went through a phase last year of feeling like I’d lost my identity as a mother, and a bit unsure of who I was.

BUT I started to realise that it was a sign I succeeded as a parent, and that I needed to think about what I wanted from this stage of my life. I guess you’re late 30s? You have a lot of living still to do! So my advice would be not to shift your focus on to your younger children, but shift your focus to yourself and work out where you want to go from here

Beantag · 05/04/2023 07:13

You can't help how you feel, but it sounds like you've done an amazing job and it's the dream really that when a child is old enough they spread their wings and start to carve their way in the world. Yes it's hard for parents but it's also natural and you should be proud of him and of yourself. It's a big adjustment but I'm sure you will settle into this new phase of your relationship, it'll be exciting hearing what he's been up to and time spent together will be even more precious.

Passerillage · 05/04/2023 07:14

I think I understand. DH and I were both very sad and lonely teens, and our respective parents didn't seem to understand or value any of the things that teens want or need. We have gone to great lengths to provide these things for our children and they are incredibly happy, outgoing children and we look at them sometimes and thing "we didn't get ANY of this! imagine if we had?" and it's on the same sort of spectrum as jealousy, but not quite jealousy jealousy.

I think you should just be proud that you have raised such a fantastic young man and that you equipped him with a set of resources that maybe you didn't have yourself first time around.

Pandorapitstop · 05/04/2023 07:15

Agree with PP that this is very disturbing.

Doingmybest12 · 05/04/2023 07:17

I think you are sad he is growing up and moving away from you. Dint be jealous, be proud of him and that you've given him a great foundation for a good life.

Cherryblossomtreesforever · 05/04/2023 07:17

My son is similar age.
He will never have a relationship. He's never had a friend.
He'll never become a father, and he'll never live independently.
He'll never be able to sit and have a chat with me - he's never spoken a word in his life.
Even though I have never known him any different, I miss and long for that so much.
I would give my heart for him to experience the independence and freedom that most young men take for granted.
I spend many sleepless nights crying for him.
He never progressed beyond the baby stage, and still shakes a rattle.
Life is so precious, and he has taught me to never take anything for granted.

KickAssMumma · 05/04/2023 07:17

@Pandorapitstop

Not meaning to be inflammatory here but can you explain why this is “disturbing” please? I truly don’t understand why people are saying such things?

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 07:29

There are some nasty comments on this thread. People saying there's elements of stalking and enmeshment, that the OP is somehow keeping DS from growing up or leading his own life. So what, she keeps updated with his SM and what's going on in his life? She's proud of him, sometimes feel a little envious of the life he's forging for himself, one that she never managed herself. She's a little sad her firstborn is flying the nest, is not going on family holiday for first time. Nothing she has said is sinister or abnormal. She's not still bathing him, asking to go on dates with him, sneaking into venues to spy on him, got him tagged ffs. She's brought up a well-adjusted young lad who is now able to be a successful and confident young man because of that upbringing, not despite it. I find the thoughts of others on here a little more 'disturbing' than anything the OP has said

RampantIvy · 05/04/2023 07:30

Flowers @Cherryblossomtreesforever

Hawkins003 · 05/04/2023 07:31

It's understandable

Cherryblossomtreesforever · 05/04/2023 07:32

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 07:29

There are some nasty comments on this thread. People saying there's elements of stalking and enmeshment, that the OP is somehow keeping DS from growing up or leading his own life. So what, she keeps updated with his SM and what's going on in his life? She's proud of him, sometimes feel a little envious of the life he's forging for himself, one that she never managed herself. She's a little sad her firstborn is flying the nest, is not going on family holiday for first time. Nothing she has said is sinister or abnormal. She's not still bathing him, asking to go on dates with him, sneaking into venues to spy on him, got him tagged ffs. She's brought up a well-adjusted young lad who is now able to be a successful and confident young man because of that upbringing, not despite it. I find the thoughts of others on here a little more 'disturbing' than anything the OP has said

Yes. It's like my situation in complete reverse.
I have a severely disabled son of the same age who will never experience any of those things (he can't even speak and never progressed from the baby stage).
I would give anything for him to experience the life I had at his age.
It's like a heart breaking physical longing that never goes away.

DustyLee123 · 05/04/2023 07:34

They do grow up and grow away. My boy left for Uni and hasn’t looked back since. He had friends, a lovely girlfriend ( much nicer than the bunny boiler he had before), he has worked to supplement his loan, he really is a nice lad. But we rarely see him and that hurts if I’m honest.
Keep your lovely boy close, treasure those 10 minutes while he has breakfast, but allow him to be whatever he wants.

TottyKnickers · 05/04/2023 07:35

I kind of get it. I think you hate the bond with his dead beat dad and that he is reaping what you sowed. I know as I've been in the same situation. But, you have a lovely son and he needs to live his own life. He is I have no idea what this film is actually going to be like in his relationship with you so he doesn't see the need to grow something that's already there.

You will always have that special bond, and when he gets married and kids, you will be that special person again

MintJulia · 05/04/2023 07:37

Yes YABU.

You've raised a happy healthy kind young man. He will 'fly the nest' now and have his own life. Travel, have friends, meet and marry, have a family, a career, all sorts of experiences.

You clinging to him is not healthy. Why are you watching him on Whatsapp? He's 19, give him some privacy. He sees you every day at breakfast, but calls his dad because he doesn't see him every day at breakfast. That's normal. When he leaves home, I expect he will call you too.

Don't be the clingy nightmare mother who embarrasses her son. Focus on your younger children, find a new hobby, take a degree, run a marathon but smile and let your eldest son live his own life.

Alargeoneplease89 · 05/04/2023 07:39

Be proud you have bought up such an amazing son. I don't think you are jealous but lonely. Maybe you need friends/hobbies etc to make your life more exciting for you.

Madamecastafiore · 05/04/2023 07:41

He's a success in life and happy due in part to how you've raised him, try to be proud rather than jealous, you've done a fantastic job.

I sometimes look at my kids, I've strived to give them everything I never had and feel a pang of jealousy but I remember that the hard times made me fight to give them everything and we'd both be in very different places if my childhood had been different.

Feelings are funny things. No one can say your feelings aren't valid, it's what you feel. X

AbsoIutelyLovely · 05/04/2023 07:43

I think it’s normal to some extent. I was brought up in a family with a huge amount of conflict, my parents could stand each others families. Or each other. My siblings fought non stop. My children are in a very harmonious family. Plenty money. Friendships. Extended family time and private education. I think they are so lucky. Bit I am not jealous, just glad for them and grateful.

but don’t we all want this! Better than we had?

and there’s a sense of opportunities lost as you get older and certain experiences are closed off to you.

BowChickaWowWoe · 05/04/2023 07:49

It sounds as if you're going through an adjustment, OP and these can be very hard on your emotions.
Your older DS is taking his place in the world and it can feel as if you're being left behind and wondering where you fit in.
I really liked the advice of @Gingergirl70 and would second everything she said.
Your relationship is changing with DS into that of 2 adults, it's a beautiful thing when this happens.

Make sure you give yourself plenty of self care when you feel like this.
You obviously raised an amazing young man.

GreenWheat · 05/04/2023 07:57

Don't forget OP, he is in the first flushes of adulthood, before all the crap kicks in. Everything is shiny, new and perfect. The gf texting to thank you for him is rather OTT but not atypical of today's youth in my opinion (at least she is polite and well brought up!). Life is exciting at this age, as it should be. Let him enjoy it, knowing that it's you who has given him that springboard.

Cherryblossomtreesforever · 05/04/2023 08:01

GreenWheat · 05/04/2023 07:57

Don't forget OP, he is in the first flushes of adulthood, before all the crap kicks in. Everything is shiny, new and perfect. The gf texting to thank you for him is rather OTT but not atypical of today's youth in my opinion (at least she is polite and well brought up!). Life is exciting at this age, as it should be. Let him enjoy it, knowing that it's you who has given him that springboard.

Now I understand why I feel so guilty that I wasn't able to give this to my son.
He will never experience the most simple yet the most treasure things in life - independence and freedom, and I will never get to have a chat with him.
For context he is severely disabled and though a young man in body - he never progressed beyond the rattle stage.

Roselilly36 · 05/04/2023 08:04

Sorry you are finding this stage of parenthood hard, OP Flowers

I have two DS 21 & 20, 21 yo is always away at weekends with his gf. It just how life is, they grow up and live their lives, it doesn’t mean that they think of you any less, it’s just part of them growing up and finding themselves, developing their own relationships. We miss our DS too, it’s natural, when family life changes.

NotThisTimeThanks · 05/04/2023 08:06

Cherryblossomtreesforever · 05/04/2023 08:01

Now I understand why I feel so guilty that I wasn't able to give this to my son.
He will never experience the most simple yet the most treasure things in life - independence and freedom, and I will never get to have a chat with him.
For context he is severely disabled and though a young man in body - he never progressed beyond the rattle stage.

Show quote history

You sound like an incredible mum. I am guessing that you have sacrificed a lot to support him. And will continue doing so. I am thinking that your son won’t be ‘flying the nest’ any time soon. And of course that comes with heartbreak of a different kind to the OP’s. Your boy is lucky to have you. Hope you get some time to be yourself too x

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