Jealous of my son

[onescoopofgelato]

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

I'm another who thinks it's not jealousy but loss of the little boy he once was now he's all grown up and perhaps loss/mourning for your life that could have been if you hadn't had children so young. It's all perfectly normal to feel this way as your children grow into adults. Be proud of the wonderful man you have raised.

YANBU to have feelings.... You can't help the way you feel...
Comfort yourself that if you are "jealous" of your son it's that you've brought him up to be a great human and taken care of him so he's popular and feels confident in himself....
Now it's time to start to step back from him and nourish yourself.... Focus on yourself, and give him more space, and both of you will benefit...
It's a difficult transition so be gentle with yourself, but you can do this!

come on, this sounds like a fragile person. be nice.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy

For real? 😳

She sounds one if the following -

a) a massive arse kisser
b) forty years old and currently living with nine cats
c) his age and really should get some other ambitions

Anyway, that aside your son sounds great 😊 and you’re lucky to have had your children at a young age as once they’ve flown the nest you’re able to still be young enough to live your own life. I worry that I had my child too old (40 - not that I planned that) and I’ll be bloody ancient when he buggers off 😫

You need to celebrate and be joyful for the fact that you have raised a lovely son and that he gets on well with his whole family. It is not unreasonable to have feelings of loss when kids fly the coup - empty nest syndrome.

Parent/child relationships change and in another ten years you will have added respect for each other as grownups. Do still have some meals together or nice walks and catch ups. He will always appreciate his mother.

You luckily still there with two more sons to cherish.
Taking time away from them regularly is healthy; you deserve to cultivate a hobby or friendship group to enjoy and add balance to your life.

Your son is growing up and becoming independent. This is what they are supposed to to! Do want him to live at home with Mummy forever?

What about your other children?

What a horrible thing to say to a complete stranger

Maybe the right word is “bittersweet”, you are happy and proud of him but also feel the loss of him being your baby, and he is the age you were when you had him so you are reflecting on yourself at that age too. It all sounds very normal.

And you are wise and self reflective to acknowledge these feelings for what they are.

I’m sorry about all the rude posters.

Pretty much everything that you have mentioned is a part of a young person (of either sex) growing up and into their own. Are you actually jealous, or just grieving the little boy he was and the closeness you had then? It sounds more like the second.

Your entire job as a parent is to rear a child who is capable of being a good, upstanding, accomplished adult. And it sounds as if you have done that. How you handle this phase of him separating from you will, to a great degree, determine your future relationship, which will (or should) grow and change with time. Give him room, give yourself room. Take his desire to stay home in good part, tell him that you will miss him, but you understand. This is a first step, not the last. And you will go through it with every one of them. It is hard, but necessary. As each lets go and steps back a bit, begin finding things that you love as a person, rather than as a mother. This is, hard as it seems, a time for you to rediscover yourself, as well.

It's a strange time in our lives OP - when our children become adults & need us less & less. People with younger kids just won't understand because they aren't at that phase of their lives yet. My DD is 18 & off at Uni. We're on holiday now & she has come with us but she is an introvert & has some social anxiety so she's prob not a typical 18 yo - though she's done so well settling in to Uni I couldn't be happier. We have a DS 15 too & already I can see him pulling away from us - he's v popular/confident & spends most of his time with friends or playing footy etc. He's even made some friends on holiday. Since my DD started Uni last Sept I've felt very unsettled - looking into part time jobs & focusing on my life more. Thinking about my future I guess & feeling a bit sad my kids are growing up (also feeling sad I'm approaching 50 & feeling a bit old & useless & chubby too & in the grips if peri menopause etc etc). Be kind to yourself OP - it's a big change for you - see if you can meet up with your DS once or twice a month maybe, just the two of you. Ignore all the haters on here 💐

Gosh there are some nasty people on here.
OP- I understand what you mean and it’s nice to be able to post anonymously as you can say things that you probably can’t say to people who know you and so we are getting a much “grittier” view, we all have things that we wouldn’t say to people who know us.
I am a similar age to you but different child age but I am feeling a bit strange at the moment, I think it’s feeling like heading towards 40 is a big adjustment? I don’t know why. So don’t beat yourself up for how you feel. I think you sound like a lovely person who has cared for their family above all else, and your life choices are yours and no one else’s.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but wanted to say that there is a whole lot of stuff going on for you here, OP. I would echo others that have said that it doesn’t seem like the issue is jealousy of your son.

There’s probably a lot of sadness and confusion about your failed relationship, real damage to your self-esteem from your ex choosing others over you, some deep self-blame and berating for choosing to have two more babies with your ex, a lot of loneliness and pain as your eldest separates from you and steps into adulthood, and most deeply of all, unprocessed grief at never having the daughter you longed for.

And all those things are very human and valid to be mourning. 💐 ❤️‍🩹

I need to get up and go to work or I would add more, but want to say, please, please get some recommendations for a good therapist who will be able to support you in working through the difficult feelings you’re wrestling with, and help you overcome the pain you feel to reach a future that feels bright and full of hope.

If you draw a blank, do DM me and I’m happy to share the details of the therapist I used who is brilliant and transformative.

Thinking of you as you start to process all of this.

My eldest son is doing so much better than I ever did. He’s a popular man with lots of friends and a lovely girlfriend. He has a good job, he has money, he’s funny and has a lovely personality, he’s always doing stuff …

One day I checked his Instagram to see that he was in Paris. He never thought to mention that he was going away 😂 another time I was on Instagram and a picture of him popped up dressed in a tuxedo drinking champagne in The Shard (we live in Yorkshire)

Jealous? Nope
Incredibly proud? Absolutely

It sounds like you’ve done a terrific job raising your son.

I think it’s probably very normal that now he’s got to 19 with broad horizons and the world at his fingertips, it’s caused you to reflect on yourself at 19 when you became a mum and probably your world became a lot smaller. Probably normal to be envious? You don’t sound jealous because I don’t think you want your son to have less.

The sniping on here about who you've chosen to have children with is pathetic and hurtful. You’ve chosen the man you were already happily co-parenting with and meaning your children would be full siblings. It’s not for everyone but perfectly logical and you’re all happy!

I really don’t think that “jealousy”, with its usual connotations is the right word for this. “Jealousy” has come to equate “resentment” and I don’t feel that that’s what happening here. I think you’re coming to terms with the fact that your son is growing up, and the feeling that he’s growing “away” from you. I’m going through similar tbh. My kids are all getting older. They don’t depend on me, as they did, and it leaves a hole. I didn’t resent that in them, I just miss them. Two have now moved out, and I miss having them around all the time. I contact them regularly, but not every day. I refuse to be “that” mum, who can’t let her kids go. They have to forge their own path in life, and I have to believe that our relationship is strong enough to survive that.
The only thing I kind of “resent” sometimes is the effort that they put into their relationship with their dad, after the way that he’s treated them in the past. Knowing that they’d never not answer the phone/ not show up to an arrangement that they’d made, whereas occasionally they do that to me. And I know, 100% in my head, that the reason is that they know that I will always be there for them, no matter what, whereas they don’t have that faith and confidence in him, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.
Just be there for him, it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job of raising a great kid (now, young man), now it’s time for him to spread his wings a bit, and part of your job as a great mum, is to let him, encourage him and don’t let it spoil that relationship you have. Whatever you do, don’t let him see/ feel that you resent that at all. Ask him if he’s prepared to set a certain aside to spend with you - for me, I see my daughter, on her own, for an evening every week, and my son, once a fortnight. It’s just the two of us, and we can chat through whatever has happened since I last saw them, and anything that’s bothering them. I do the same weekly with my youngest, who still lives at home. And whenever I get the chance, with the others who are at home, but are older.
You are an amazing mum … don’t lose sight of that.

You're not 'jealous', more in mourning. You're 'baby' is growing up and his life is showing u what you've missed out on. Go out there and find things u enjoy. Stop making your children your only priority &focus on yourself too.

Yes I was hoping for a girl. I have 3 boys and now I wouldn’t change them for the world.

Your comment was rude and so uncalled for, do you feel better now?

We are all suppose to be grown adults here, some of the comments here are coming across as very hurtful.

Thank you.

I am Russian and in my culture we do not have children with numerous men, I always wanted to have three children. I am a good mother (well I think I am) my boys are always happy and smiling.

This comment made me smile 🙂

What was rude? Saying your son sounds great? Saying you were lucky to have kids young?

Or were you objecting to saying his girlfriend sounds a bit bonkers? That’s just true. Who sends such a text? No one normal.

Your normal. It may very well that the girlfriend, like OP, belongs to a culture where such an expression would not be uncommon.

Actually, if she’s Russian as well, I imagine it was done during Maslenitsa, which was in March. It is customary to celebrate and express thanks to your mother in law.

Sorry but this is very toxic. He’s an adult with his own life. You have no right to be jealous. I’m 26 and mum is very like this and projects it and it’s the worse feeling ever being on the receiving end of it to the point where I push her away because of it.

Reading between the lines of what you've said.... I personally think its not jealousy, you miss him and like most of us (I have a 19 year old daughter, a year old son and I'm due a baby girl at the end of May), you're having a rough time letting go, and that's okay, he's your baby and always will be. Perhaps arrange something special just the two of you, lunch or something and get some quality time in. Keep your chin up mama.