Jealous of my son

[onescoopofgelato]

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

This is a bit sad to read. Your ex hurt your feelings to the extent you dumped him, and cheated on you, then at some stage you accepted that you’ll need to keep having sex to keep having kids

This all isn’t relevant to the thread though, is it? The thread is about OP and her son, the whole ex fiasco is an unimportant sideline you keep picking at to belittle the OP, it’s nasty. People make choices, and unfortunately they sometimes make bad ones, but slandering a grown woman for choosing who she has children with is below the belt. Send the playground bullying elsewhere.

It’s all pretty intense OP. You need to stop the social media stalking. He is an adult now, it’s normal for him to want his own life. The intensity could drive him away.

This is the reason I was so reluctant to post on here, people will always be horrible and make nasty comments.

love this comment! I think counselling ould be a good route as you navigate not being needed as much by your DS. It sounds like he is very well-rounded so you have done a great job.

Ignore all the judgey comments OP about why you had 2 more kids. Nobody knows your situation, if only we were all as perfect as them hey..

I think a lot of what you're feeling is natural and, as PP has said, it sounds like you're maybe a little too attached/living vicariously.

I can see why you're upset that he doesn't want to come on holiday with you, seems to be drawing away a bit and at the same time still wants to go off with his dad (maybe seems to be getting closer to his dad?).

Some of that may be to do with you being so attached and not adapting to the change in roles and him wanting a bit more space to find himself as he is so used to having you around, guiding him. Some parents find it a bit like grieving - to "lose" the child who needed them. It's common. Just don't let it destroy what you currently have. Let him go.

Th getting more attached to his dad (if that's what's happening) may just be because they're both male and in our culture that can make quite a difference to relationships, even between a child and their parent. And I think a lot of kids get closer to their fathers as they grow up because fathers are less likely to have the close relationship when they're little.

It sounds like you've done a great job with your son. It's normal for him to want to spread his wings a bit. That he can do that with such a great foundation is down to you. Let him and maybe look for things to fill your life that don't rely on your your children as much, try and give yourself as much as you've given your children - you deserve friends and fun too.

o dont think its jealousy op.

i got 2 sons. Both still kids (7 and 3) really close to me. I. Cant even imagine how i felt when they are teenager. I must be feeling lonely and miss them so much because i’m not their priority anymore, but they always be my priority. Its just what it is op. We as parents love them unconditionally but our kids will never love as the same. Like us with our parents. I love my parents of course but not as much as i love my kids.

This is bordering on enmeshed mother son relationship. You need to give him space, let him fly the nest and be free. Otherwise your son will become one of those men who can't have a healthy relationship because his mother is always in the way.

I don’t think you’re jealous, I think you’re mourning the life you didn’t have, did you have him young by any chance?
I was 14 when my eldest was born and he’s 17 now, I often look at the things he’s doing and feel a little sad for myself that I never had that.
Thankfully, I’m on the way to getting my life back now as they’re all growing up.
sorry if I’m assuming and reflecting

There's a period of life some people are lucky enough to experience between roughly 18 to early 20's where people get to mostly have fun , no responsibility . Potentiality not working due to study or travel . It's a time when everything is quite easy and the focus is on friends and enjoyment. I had a small period of this, but then also lost a close family member and met an abusive man. Watching my dd's go through this now, one is at uni enjoying study, social life , first love. The other is doing a year travelling the world. Whereas I have a young child with Sen, a lovely husband who struggles with his mental health. We have had a few significant losses in last few years . Not to mention all the responsibility of work, parenting etc. Yes would be easy to look at their lives and feel jealousy at the ease in which they are living life. But I also know at some point responsibility will come, they will be trying to establish careers, they will suffer setbacks, maybe have families of their own. I'm glad they get this time to just have fun and experience the good in life.

Maybe op you need to reflect on what's missing in your life to create this gap? Are you feeling the loss of your son moving on in the world? Or is something you would like for yourself? You can't go back and redo youth, but you can try to find some peace in where you are now.

@onescoopofgelato

Hi op. I think you could try to reframe this in your mind.

Ignoring the more vile comments on here (seriously, ignore them they’re ridiculous and they know nothing of your life only a tiny mini snap shot of one tiny part of one small description you have given so their cruel comments have no real basis in reality)

So ignoring those comments the first thing that hit me from your posts was this- that it sounds to me like you have managed to raise a wonderful, liked, loved and respected by girlfriends and peers and friends and family alike boy who is now growing into a wonderful man. He wouldn’t be so liked and happy and popular if he wasn’t a lovely boy. YOU did that. YOU made that boy the wonderful boy he is now turning into. That is truly amazing and rather than only feeling sad (because you are allowed to miss him moving on with his own life now, feeling sad is allowed) but rather than just sadness also try to be kinder to yourself and let in some room for happiness too at what YOU managed to create. The wonderful boy YOU managed to raise to be so happy and loved and respected by his friends and so on. Try to let that happiness and self kindness in too, and in time more happiness over your son will follow as he grows further as a man and achieves more as he grows. And eventually, this will be such a short passing phase in your journey as parent and child and you’ll find these feelings have gone as quickly as they came.

You just feel sad that your boy is now less dependent on you and now creating his own life. Feeling that way is normal and it’s ok. But don’t act on it and don’t smother him or try to keep him in the family fold so to speak. Let him free to be the amazing man YOU raised. Don’t undo that amazing job you did by acting on any of these feelings. But you ARE allowed to feel them.

Be kind to yourself. Much love ❤️

Lost me at the bit where you had fantasies about how you were going to dress a girl. My experience was they knew how they wanted to be dressed. Completely the opposite to what I would have done but hey, as long as it’s season appropriate and not immodest they choose what clothes they want. My daughter knew her own mind in this regard from 2yo.

As for the stalking of a ‘daily story’ on an app. Not sure what’s weirder, the stalking or the daily story itself.

I totally get you. My son is 18 and he is busy with friends and girlfriend and while I’m very happy for him, he is similar to your son, very social, but the close relationship we’ve always had is not the same anymore. I think at that age they are becoming independent and their focus is not on ‘mom’ and spending time with mom, but doing their own thing which is natural and important. My son was always my boy and I did all the taking care of, yet like your son, has become a daddy’s boy. For no good reason that I can see 😂 I’m kidding! But I do see a lot of myself in your description of yourself.

I try to remember that at that age I too was busy with my friends and relationships and not thinking about my family. But later on, I came back to wanting to spend time with them again and realizing the importance of family (and my mother). Your son I’m sure will do the same and mine too. 💐

Ahh OP he sounds like a lovely lad. Could you ask him when he's free, then ask your ex to have the little ones? A meal out, go for a drink in your local, watch a film you couldn't while the little ones where there and get nice snacks?

you miss him. I don't think you're jealous. X

Agree ❤️

You've got 3 lovely sons, one grown, two still children. Your relationship with your eldest son is different, due to your circumstances. You've done an excellent job with him and he's a caring, thoughtful man, be proud. Every 19 yr old is forging a life away from their parents, he will maintain his bond with you, and when he has his own children will be even closer to you.

Huh? Of course it’s something to be proud of! He’s her son! You sound like a curmudgeon.

Bloody hell people need to lay off the OP!!!!! It isn't stalking for her to look at her own sons WhatsApp status updates! My Mum looks at all of mine!

Also, her first language isn't English and it can be hard to express yourself in another language.

Op - your feelings are valid - your little baby is turning into a man and you're allowed to feel how you feel.

You should be proud that you’ve created a happy, well balanced son with good people skills.

it sounds like you need to reevaluate your own life and lean into hobbies and friendships that bring you joy. Get some counselling for old issues.

also if you want to spend quality time with him sit down and have that conversation. Explain you miss being with him. Find some weekly 1;1 time together without the younger ones. a film night or new fitness class or whatever.

I think you might just be lonely.
You talk about his friends and girlfriends and how much of a social life he has. And it sounds like you've been single for a very long time (as most boyfriends/partners wouldn't be too happy with you having more children with an ex) and don't have many friends.
Do you think you might need to get out and meet more people?
Start a hobby, see if any old friends want a catch up?

You probably are also missing your DS if you've always been close, but he needs to live his life and it does sound like you've done a good job.

There are a couple of strands here:

1. He’s growing up. He’s an adult with his own life now and he’s emotionally moving away from you. You’re probably feeling a loss of closeness and that is perfectly normal.
2. You had your first child at 19 so you didn’t get to do all the things he’s getting to do as a 19 year old so you’re perhaps feeling a the loss of friendships/a social life that go with being young and starting to spread your wings.

For what’s it’s worth, he sounds great and you will continue to have a great relationship with him, but are you fixating on his life to detract from the possibility that you don’t have the life you would like? Think about some goals or ideas for things you would like to do - new friendships, travel, training, new job or promotion, relationship, decorating, etc. so that your own life is rich and fulfilling. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to think about what you want to do, but do start to make some plans.

It’s tough when they reach this age.

I certainly had pangs of sadness. Moments when it hurt that they didn’t need me as
much any more. That I was no longer their number one. But I realised that this was my issue not theirs.

My kids’ lives at 19 were a million times better than mine at that age. I was unattractive, had no friends and certainly no boyfriend, and an unhappy family life. My kids had so much more joy and busy full lives at 19. I was delighted for them. And felt happy that they had what I did not; I didn’t want them to feel as sad and lonely as I did at 19.

Remember it is important that they are a bit ‘selfish’ at this age. This is how young adults fly the nest and move on to the adult part of their lives. We must not stop them.

Consider the alternative. A sad friendless 19y old with no direction in life. Is that what you want? Some parents would love to have a son like yours; they have so much more to worry about. I think you need to appreciate what you have a little bit more. He sounds great.

And your son does need you and will continue to need you. It will just be in a different way.

OP a feeling can't be judged. You are brave to face and admit your jealousy - it's a taboo of parenting but one that many experience at different times and stages.

Congratulations on raising a wonderful young man, especially as a single mum. Your feelings of jealousy are about you, not him. Work out what it is you long for, and take what steps you can towards it.

Best of luck to you.

You need to get a life. I don’t mean that as an insult, you’re jealous of him because he has a life. He has friends, fun, a future. you should try to get one.

YAB massively U.
You sound very self centred and self absorbed. What if your wasn't that great at making friends and always having great school reports? Would it have mattered?

The way you describe the reasons you wished for a girl and then continued to purposely bring 2 more children into a dysfunctional relationship is incredibly selfish.

I think you should seek some counselling to unravel why you have these feelings