Jealous of my son

[onescoopofgelato]

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

Jesus, why are people so horrible to strangers on the internet? Honest question?
OP, I don’t think it’s jealousy. More sadness and a bit of loneliness and it sounds completely normal given the circumstances. You should be very proud of raising and confident young man. I guarantee you he will circle right back to his mum, his rock. Material things will become less important over the course of his life, he is young now. Be proud and let his go a little. He will come back x

Oops typo mistakes transitional phrase I ment to say....

You have obviously done a fantastic job bringing up.yourvwell balance popularvson and should give yourself a pat on the back . Feel proud you've done well.

I understand what you’re saying. Some really unnecessary harsh replies here so please ignore some of them.

Yes you’re jealous of your sons life because he seems to have a great life at 19 which you feel like you never had. I don’t think it’s that uncommon actually. I feel like my mother is a bit jealous that her daughters all have better lives than she did (thanks to her and my dad making money and providing better lives).

Jealously is a really tricky emotion but totally normal and healthy. Remember though - no one has a perfect life. He might face hardships as an older adult.. he’s got lots of life obstacles to come. Try and focus on the fact you’d much rather your son be happy than not so be thankful for that because he’ll definitely have bad times throughout life because that’s just life. Xx

Hello 👋

Yes it was, a lot of people fail to understand my culture.

Yes she is Russian too 🙂

It's not pathetic. Sounds quite natural. Be proud of yourself that you have raised such a nice young man and grieve for your lost youth if that's what you need but then you need to let that go. You have two younger kids that need your attention and by the sounds of it focusing on yourself more wouldn't be a bad thing. Take some classes, make some friends. Try and figure out what makes you happy outside of your children. I think you might find that once your son sees you happy on your own he might be more willing to spend time with you. Good luck.

Letting go of our children is one of hardest journey’s in life we will experience. These lessons and transitions are important for development not only for you but for your boys too. We all make mistakes, but we can learn from them. Choosing to have children with your ex is something you will have to decide if it was healthy or unhealthy. Either way these experiences and choices will have lifelong effects, consequences, meaning for your boys. It shapes who they are, want to be or not to be. They are here, they are a blessing. This is a much deeper issue than you realize.
this isn’t about being jealous of your son and his relationships with others. It is about you and loving yourself, finding yourself, your own identity, your own confidence. Maybe forgiving yourself? Only you know. There are some things you need to work out so that when your children or anyone close to you spends time with other people, you realize that it isn’t because you don’t matter. You do! You are loved. It is very painful to transition from being everything this little boy wanted, the most important person in his life to his need for his father in his life, his friends, his girlfriend, ect. It has to happen. For your son’s sake, for yours. If it was me, I would be encouraging him to become educated, self sufficient and make sure to be there to answer the questions he may still have and trust me, he will have them. But what you don’t want is a co-dependent, insecure, unfaithful young man, who treats his girlfriend/ future wife like your ex has treated you. So, I would try to focus on how to deal with the uncomfortable feeling and pain of transitioning this little boy into a young man. Ask yourself “ what is my favorite Icecream? What is it that I love? Who am I ? Find your own identity. You will see, maybe not hear, that your sons love, respect for you will deepen even more than you know..for being the strong woman you are. Someday, you will be able to help another mother who is feeling the way you are and have.