Jealous of my son

[onescoopofgelato]

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

What @Krumpet says. My son is 18 and now lives with his dad who financially treats/spoils him (eg Prada shoes for school, rented a restaurant for his 18th)
Am I jealous, no, I'm pleased for him and we have a great relationship. He'll get a decent car as soon as he passes his test as I'd saved over £6k for him from when he was born, he has had driving lessons paid for, is going to Greece on holiday with his friends after their A Levels. Im chuffed for him.
Same goes for my daughter who is 23, has a mortgaged flat with her partner, has a great job, went to Thailand in December, is going to Costa Rica next month.
Im now skint post divorce and haven't been on holiday for four years but I'm very pleased that my children have great lives and are experiencing wonderful things, as I did at their age.

I'm glad the OP has received some supportive replies.
I'm not sure some of you realise how damaging and hurtful you can be.

Your feelings are your feelings. They're not wrong- they just are. I also feel this is about you and what you've missed out on. He sounds like he his thriving which is great. Kids need their dad and will tolerate mostly anything if it means a relationship. This doesn't negate your relationship which is entirely different. Don't just focus on the two younger boys. Focus on you. Your hobbies, likes, desires.You're still young.

Yes it is strange to read and you’re brave to post. Give yourself a pat on the back he sounds a great lad. You need to let him do his own thing now he is an adult. It’s quite a natural progression and perfectly normal to want to be with your friends. I think I would be more worried if he had no friends and wasn’t socialising.

Thank you for clarifying this, I am glad someone here understands.

I am Russian and was born in Russian, although my ex is black. He fully understood too, and was happy to give me more children although we weren’t together, of course I’m no longer sleeping with him.

It’s so nice to hear this :) our little ones deserve to be spoilt and given a head start in life.

DS(19) is currently at University studying Psychology I’ll forever be proud of him.

Thank you, I try my best with all 3 boys. It’s very important to me to raise them to be kind and likeable, that way they will never be lonely in their lives.

I don't know if jealous is the right word? We want the best for our kids right? You wouldn't want him to be unhappy and have any less than he has now.... I think you miss him and the relationship you had. Maybe tell him rhay, without putting any guilt or pressure on him. Just tell him you miss him and you'd like to spent a little bit of quality time with him. But he's grown up now and things will change, it's hard but it's the natural way of things. Xx

My DS is the same age and sounds very similar. He’s in uni and I’m very happy for him that he’s getting on with his life. I do miss him but he comes back to visit whenever he can. I couldn’t ever be jealous of him though, I want him to have everything, and things that I never had. I want the best for him and can’t imagine feeling jealousy. I don’t watch his social media (don’t even know what accounts he has!) so I don’t focus on what he’s doing all day.

I donunderstand why you had two more children with a cheater after splitting with him.

Maybe hoping for a girl?

It’s time to work through this and start to let him go, otherwise you will end up being a nightmare MIL and push your DS away. At least you’re being self aware about your feelings, that’s a good start. Now you need to process them.

How lovely to have such a special son.
You’re not jealous at all.
I think you have regrets in life and have made poor (in hindsight) decisions which have left you lonely.
You see your son as having made good decisions and being at the cusp of an amazing life, one you don’t have and won’t have.

Some great advice so far up thread, but concentrate on you and what you want from life going forward, and on bringing up another 2 fab boys xx

He sounds very similar to my own son who is living his best life. Doing great at Uni, good looking, has lots of friends, has a very pretty gf who’s mad about him etc and I absolutely love it! I’m so proud of him it wouldn’t occur to me to be jealous. He has a good relationship with his dad (we split years ago and he lived abroad so I was very much a single parent). Jealous? Absolutely not! Thrilled he’s living such a great life? You bet!

I don't think you're jealous - the word is envious. You are envious of him having close friends, etc., that you didn't. I feel the same a little bit about DD. She is beautiful and wise, and has loads of friends - all things I've never been or had! But you have done a great job with your DS. Be pleased for him, and cherish the time you do spend with him. Maybe you could have dinner at home with him, just the two of you, occasionally?

I don’t think you are jealous of him, so much as envious of the life he has and unhappy with your own. Plus he’s growing up so you are saying goodbye to him as a boy.

Remember he’s a teen, and those that managed to dodge teen trauma often have a fine old time, because life isn’t very complicated yet.

Try and turn your focus on yourself. What do you want out of life? Remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

Also - you’ve got some really bitchy responses, ignore them.

A shitshow? That's someone else's life you're talking about @EmilyGilmoresSass and you've no idea of the circumstances.

Are you always this cruel to strangers on the internet? It's unnecessary

I get a little "jealous" over my daughters life sometimes, she had a supportive parent who let her follow her dreams I didn't she is happy im happy too but I look at her life and think how different my life could have been if I had been allowed to do what I wanted but then again I have a tendency to get in my own way im not as driven as she is so maybe I would have ended up here anyway 😂

This.

It sounds more like your jealous of the people who get his time. You’re hurt that he has a world that doesn’t revolve around you. I think this is normal but many may not articulate it or acknowledge it the way you have. You’re brave for doing so

Ignore all the bitchy comments OP.

I can totally understand you wanting children from the same man, especially as they're mixed race. Mine is too.

Your son sounds lovely and you should be proud of yourself to how he has turned out.

This ^

OP I think you must have done a wonderful job to have brought up such a happy and well-adjusted son who clearly adores all his family, including you.

It's hard, I know, but as an earlier poster said - you have done well, you gave him wings, now you have to stand on the side-lines (with perhaps a tearful smile while clapping madly) and watch him soar.

I don't think you're jealous either - you are confusing your emotions. I think you are lamenting the fact he's growing up and away from you (it's natural - boys especially at this age aren't home much) and also partly envious of his popularity and friendships that you yourself didn't have - feeling sad about your own youth being a thing of the past now and maybe not as carefree and happy as your sons?

Dint beat yourself up OP - just love and be there for your son and be happy that he is such a nice, well liked young man. Sounds like you have done a good job with him.

I can understand your feelings of loss, but I think you need to find ways of making your own life more fulfilling. As others have said, your job is to raise an adult, not a child.

My oldest is 14 and is already talking about being less keen on going on holiday with us and just wanting to be with friends, but I'm just glad they have such good friends, even if I do feel a little sad that we may be approaching the final years of whole-family holidays.

I think it is understandable to feel some sadness when our children grow up and need us less - or differently.
I think you sound like a great mother. Remember - you will always be in your son’s life. He will always love you and there may be times when he will need you more than he does now. Part of his enjoyment of life now is because you have raised him to be confident, secure and kind.
You have years ahead to enjoy watching your boy grow into a man. I remember this shift with my son and how strange it felt. And I felt lost for a while as my role for him was changing.
But we have a great relationship still. I’m just less important than his girlfriends or his friends! But if he’s not ok he always wants my support and advice.
And we have occasional outings or meals together and sometimes he comes to stay for a weekend. And it’s a lot of fun. 🌷