Jealous of my son

[onescoopofgelato]

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

I understand op. It’s hard to see kids get older, and it is also hard to see what we have lost in terms of youth. Look on the positive side that he’s a great young man. But I don’t understand some of the harsh relies here. It’s like mums are not to feel any emotions as our children grow and move away from us and seeing them become adults won’t throw up any issues about our own lives and regrets. As long as you are not burdening your so with this and writing it here then that’s fine.

@Cherryblossomtreesforever

My heart aches for you. I'm sure your son knows how much he is loved, and I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive or the wrong way, but he doesn't know what he is missing, I hope he enjoys the life he has. You sound amazing and I hope you have plenty of real life support. Sorry for the bold text I can't unbold it.

StillMedusa,...7 years ago at 22 he met a lovely girl. From Australia. Now he's married to her (I love her dearly) and living on the other side of the world. I miss him terribly... our close bond, him planting a kiss on the top of my head with 'Night Mum, love you' Him playing new songs he had written to test them out on me (he's a musician)

But he wasn't mine to keep forever. He's a man. I watched him find his wife, watched them grow as a couple and realised he was only ever mine for a few short years really... that's how it's meant to be.
Exactly,I think you are spot on with this.

Be careful that you don't turn into the awful mother-in-law that is possessive and controlling over her son...

Hi Op @DramaAlpaca poster has said you have been obvious good mother bringing up your son,
I think the sense I am getting from your Op Thread,
Is a Sense of a life unfilled as in yourself allways putting or often putting your needs on back burner, in the background, in regards of family life,
Instead of having a healthy balance,
Like an imaginary weighing ⚖️ scale,
The tendancy for far too long, has been this,
So Pendulum has swung so far,
That you feel out of balance, constantly emotionally drained out
Almost like to a husk of your former self,
You Need to definitely value yourself and see this as an exciting interesting translation time, you are entering in,

I think the emotional feel is envy of the fact your son, is at the age, when you first got tied down with all the emotional demands ect entailed family life,
So it's more of wishful thinking of if only I had my son or children when I was older, it would have been easier somewhat or better, circumstances ect or and I would have been emotional more mature too,

Rember Envy is the Theif
Envy can show you what's missing in your life,
If its used constructly ,which is often a struggle to do, as its such uncomfortable emotion to feel,

Use this feeling of Envy and a tad bit of resentful of your oldest son, to now fulfil your potential you clearly have in yourself,
Have/develop child like curiosity/ Adventurer spirit about life and wonders of it and conquer your fears ect that's holding you back so you achieve what you are capable and want to do,

This is now your turn, stop wishful thinking, of if Only I could have done this and that, If I had done things differently,

Start believing yourself again,
This is like a new beginning for you,

Look at doing creative stuff, have a go at doing activities that you are curious about rather than if you will be good at them,

Also go on have well deserved break,
Nature yourself having Holistic therapies treatments,
Joining a healthspa

Rediscover yourself
It will be a fun too

You need to focus on building a happy life for yourself that doesn't revolve around your children Get out and meet new people. This isn't healthy. Let your son go. The little two still need you be a good mum to them. My daughter has a very similar life to your son she is a high flyer great job earns a fortune loads of friends etc. I am proud of her. I'm not jealous I think we'll done to her I barely see her She has no time for me. I accept it because she is enjoying her life I will always be her mum she only has one and one day she will need me but not at the moment same goes for your son I'm sure.

I find the fact his girlfriend texted you to say thank you for him and she was finally happy incredibly odd for a teenager. Well anyone really.

i guess you’re single and have been for a very long time. As you’re still hung up on your ex and making yourself available to him. Which has led you to be lonely, and I’m not sure if you’ve friends either?

I think what what you’re seeing is he has a social life, friends, a romantic relationship and you want these things, that’s the issue.

This is spot on and great advice!

It sounds like you did a good job. Are you selfish enough to want your son to have a horrible life so he spends more time with you? How much effort are you putting into your other children?

One of my sons was acting very grown up and was explaining to me that it was only natural for children to grow up and do their own thing. However, he got cancer as a teenager and he was in pain and hanging on to my hand. I would have given anything at that moment for him to be off with friends and being grown up. We were lucky and he turned out to have an excellent prognosis. Right now I certainly don't begrudge him being off and enjoying himself and am just grateful that his cancer was found very early through a pure fluke

I find this v odd too.

It's all v odd.

I'd also add that growing up in Russia is very different to the life you have been able to give him here. He has freedoms you would never have dreamed of, and there would have been more pressures on you as a girl to be a certain way. You cannot compare your teenagehoods in such different societies. It's a wonderful thing you have given him and he needn't be weighed down by this background -- we don't know what we don't have.

“he’s the boy that girls fancy” is a Russian thing.

I understand what your feeling. It's not really jealousy but you feel you have lost your son who was also probably your best friend. You haven't he has just grown up. As others have said spend the occasionally afternoon together or have lunch. He will always be close to you.

Take time to find you again. Organise nights out or start a hobby.

You're a fantastic mum and that shows because your son has grown up to become a lovely person who people want to have in their lives.

💐

Let him go with love OP.
I am a lone parent to two sons, my eldest is 21. It's lovely to see the man he is becoming and how life is unfolding for him. He has been with his girlfriend almost five years now. It is a very calm and loving relationship and also a relief to me as a single widowed parent, that should something happen to me l know his girlfriend will have his back, we are such a small family unit of 3, no support.
Maybe try and enrich your own life, l have my own hobbies, interests, friends etc. I love my son's and we get on well, but we also have our own routines, interests and way of doing things.
You sound like a fantastic mother, l deeply respect women raising children alone, l am aware of trying to pack 48 hours into 24, day after day.

I don't think it's overly weird to have those thoughts, but I think envy is closer to what you seem to be describing. As long as you're not falling into the trap of ruminating on those feelings or trying to interfer with your son's life, it's not harming anyone.

I don't think it's that uncommon when you get into your 30s and 40s to have the fleeting feeling of wanting to go back and experience life as an older teen. Especially if you could go back equipped with the knowledge and life experience you now have. Similarly young people of that sort of age are often wishing they are older and settled.

You've clearly done something right with your son as he's a high achiever and socially adept. Perhaps you could take some inspiration from him, now that he's flying the nest, and try some new activities and hopefully find a new circle of friends.

I am so sorry to hear this :(

I have been in this country for over 30 years now, we do visit Russia from time to time. My sons are of mixed heritage, half black, so as you can imagine I like them to embrace both of their cultures.

I make more of an effort with my two smaller children. I always make sure we spend plenty of time outside of the house doing fun things, we go on holiday next week. Just wish DS19 would join us, would be nice to have an extra pair of hands to help.

Yeah that's not jealousy it may be envy but that's slightly different. He is pulling away and your feeling a bit abandoned. All that work and now he has his own life freinds girlfriend ect. I can tell you my DS is same age and autistic and I would be ecstatic if this was his life. Try to accept how going feel and move past it. Also separate the Ex feelings as that is different.

I think how you are feeling is normal. He’s your son and he’s at an age of starting his own life, it’s normal for him to be pulling away but that doesn’t mean it’s not painful. You’ve dedicated almost two decades of your life to him after all.

It’s also normal for him to be wanting to spend time with his Dad. He’s a young man learning how to be a man. It’s normal for him to gravitate to his father as a role model of maleness now. But that doesn’t mean that you are wrong to be hurt when you have done the hard work of rearing him.

Perhaps it feels extra hard for you if you don’t have a partner to fall back on and you still have younger children. Adult children leaving is a chance to really focus on yourself and your own life, but, with young children still at home you have don’t have the chance to do that, so less chance to build up your own life to fill that emotional gap.

i guess I am saying that there is nothing wrong with how you feel.

When my dd started school I had a sudden feeling that I wanted to be one of her friends, like I felt jealous of the relationship they were building with her. For me it was about loss, loss of her at home with me with me as the centre of her world. I realised that her having friends is healthy and I needed to grieve. Which I did.

The feeling jealous of him now sounds more like you envy his life. Remember SM does not give a true picture and he will have his insecurities like the rest of us. Also, life will hit him at some point.

Go and get your own life, friends or hobbies etc. You deserve it too.

I was thinking this why would anyone think this was a good idea????

I don’t think it’s an odd situation, I didn’t want my children to have numerous different fathers.

I have grown up sons. It is natural for them to want to separate from their mother to find out who they are and how they cope as adult males. It’s tough when you’ve spent years looking after them. Make the effort to stay in contact with him without overdoing it. Give him space to grow as an independent man. He’ll be looking at his father as a role model of a man - either what to be or what not to be. Hopefully you will find that with time he gravitates back towards you again, but as a grown man rather than a child. It can take time, but that’s sometimes what is needed. My sons now did similar and now live near by and we see them regularly, which I love. It’s also important to have your own life and friends too. You sound like a good mum.