Jealous of my son

[onescoopofgelato]

Goodnight

I hope this doesn’t come across too weird, but here it goes…

I am mum to three boys, ages 6 & 8 and 19.

When I fell pregnant with DS(19) I was so excited, I was convinced that I was carrying a baby girl. When I found that I was having a baby boy, I cried, and I continued to cry all throughout my pregnancy. I wanted a baby girl, I had everything planned out, name, how I would dress her, where she’d go to school, all the fun things we’d do together etc.

But the minute I held my him in my arms for the first time that feeling went away. Since that day we have ALWAYS had that perfect mother and son relationship.

I am so proud of the young man he has become, always outstanding school reports, the ability to maintain friendships, the boy that girls fancy, no one has ever had a bad world to say about him.

He is a great big brother, he always makes time for my two younger children even it’s for one hour.

Would it be “sad” slash “pathetic” to say that I’m jealous of him? He has a solid friendship and a best friend almost like a brother that would do anything for him vice versa. They’ve been friends since pre-preparatory which is 16 years.

I feel like I have lost him. I am seeing less and less of him, the only time I spend with him now is 10 minutes whilst he eats his breakfast in the kitchen.

Then he will get ready and to out, he updates his WhatsApp story throughout the day. I watch him through pictures/videos enjoying his day with his friend or girlfriend, I never ever remembered being that happy with my friends, if I’m honest I never really had a lot of friends growing up, two or three close friends, but I am no longer in contact with them.

When he is at home, his phone constantly rings. He was in a relationship with a nice girl (she made him happy) he was spending a lot of time with, she wanted to take up all his time, which made him unhappy so he ended it with her.

Within a month he found himself another girlfriend and they got together pretty quickly. It was just the other day she texted me and thanked me for him, she said he is everything she has always wanted and that she is finally happy.

It’s the Easter Holidays, we always go on holiday together, DS doesn’t want to come, he said he would rather stay at home and “look after the house” and spend time with his friends and girlfriend.

Me and EX DP split 9 years ago, I know those who read this will probably think my two youngest have different dad(s) from my eldest, but they don’t, all three boys have the same dad.

I ended it with him due to him being unfaithful, but I still went on to have two more children from him.

DS(19) speaks to him everyday, they go out for dinner and go on holidays regularly together.

I feel as if my son favours him over me, when EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

AIBU for feeling like this?

I am jealous of my son and his life

I mean this nicely, but he may find you a bit intense

And that’s why you kept sleeping with him, genuinely? So you could have three kids to the same man? That’s the only reason you kept making yourself sexually available to him?

The feeling jealous of him now sounds more like you envy his life

I think this, rhe op sees he’s having rewarding romantic relationships. Has good friends, is popular and in demand, and active and interesting social life and it’s making her realise her life choices mean she is reflecting as she has none of this. No partner, no social, no social life, no friends, isn’t popular or in demand, isn’t doing fun things. It’s just shone a light on her own life

I think though you’re also jealous of his relationship with his father, clearly you speak to your son daily , go on holiday airh him and have dinner with him so it’s no different, which makes me wonder if you’re jealous as you want to do those things with your ex and he’s not interested?

If I’m honest, yes.

Your description of your relationship sounds a bit odd - no one ever has the “perfect” relationship. Girlfriend texting you? Hasn’t happened.
sounds like you’ve put your son on a pedestal (like you did with your previously imaginary daughter), and treat him more like a partner than a son.
you need to find your own relationship and life. And please, don’t go c be ack to your ex

@Nevermind31

How can you tell me that it hasn’t happened? and I certainly don’t treat my son like a partner, and I would not be going back to my ex, I’m single now on purpose, it wouldn’t be hard for me to find a man, I don’t want one. I’m happy with my three children.

Your comment has actually disturbed me, you seem to think you know everything.

This!! Why do that?
Yes also to being jealous of your own child! He sounds lovely and you should be happy for him. He’ll realise you’re being jealous and you’ll push him away!!

EX DP hasn’t really been a dad to any of the children, yes he has regular contact with them, but has never parented them, just smothers them with material items.

So you proactively chose to have two more kids with a rubbish dad, lumbering then with him, rather than not having more kids or trying to meet someone who could be a good dad and seeing how things went? Essentially because you didn't want the perceived stigma of having children with more than one bloke? It doesn't seem like a very child centred decision tbh.

I am very proud and happy for my son, please read my previous posts.

I didn’t lumber my children with anyone, I am capable of looking after my children, all three of my children are very happy.

It was a mutual agreement that I had with my EX, I don’t agree with having children with numerous men.

It was a mutual agreement that I had with my EX, I don’t agree with having children with numerous men.

So if a woman is cheated on by her child's father and decides to actually leave him so she can aim to eventually have a happy, healthy relationship (and model that kind of relationship to her child) with someone else, potentially having children with them too... you don't agree with that?

Because there's a hell of a middle ground between proactively having multiple children with one man who you aren't in a loving, healthy, happy relationship with (and say isn't a good or present father other than throwing money at them) and having kids with 'numerous men'.

You could have given the middle ground a go.

It's a shame for kids to grow up with the primary relationship they see being an unhealthy one that only continued to be sexual in order to conceive more children.

I’m not going to go off topic with you, it seems like you are pushing for more info, it’s really not your business.

@onescoopofgelato

Eh?

I asked your opinion on someone hypothetically making a different decision to the one you made.

Didn't ask for any more information.

What an odd thing to say I've done.

You crack on, hopefully you can find a way to resolve this.

If you are jealous of your son having friends and the loving relationships he has in his life (because you see them close up but aren't included in them) then perhaps it does mean you want these things for yourself. It's somehow become entwined with him growing up and flying the nest to pursue his own life.

Maybe what you need to do is cultivate some good adult friendships with other people outside of your immediate family. Do you have any girlfriends? Why don't you be the one to instigate some fun things with them? You need to have your own life which you can more fully dive into when all DC are more independent. Start thinking about what you actually want out if life beyond raising DC.

You are missing him and that is natural.

Did you have him when you were young? Its also entirely possible and not unnatural that if you were a young Mum, when your kids reach the age you were when you had them, you realise what you missed out on. And although you wouldn't change things it can make you feel pangs if jealousy

There are no words. Mind you, I'd rather just stick with one child, as opposed to having several with a shit dad and them finding out their conception was by 'mutual agreement'.

I gave birth to him when I was 19

I gave birth to him when I was 19

Well there you go, at his age you were at home, changing nappies and looking after a new born, He is out having fun, with friends. I don't think its that unusual or awful that you feel a bit jealous of that. It doesn't mean you want to change things or for him to stay home and not have friends. It has just shown you what you missed out on, but its a fleeting feeling that will pass.

OP is either Russian or from a Russian - speaking country. There are different cultural norms at play, and having children with more than one man can be heavily stigmatized. It’s an uncommon belief in the UK, but not an uncommon belief.

Мой письменный русский нуждается в практике.

Ваш сын превращается в мужчину, а вы оплакиваешь мальчика, которым он был. Это потеря, но и ваше достижение. Вы воспитали его в человека, и теперь вы наблюдаете и поддерживаете его, когда он начинает свою взрослую жизнь. Отношения могут принимать другую форму, но связь остается, потому что вы есть и всегда будете его матерью. Гордитесь он и собой.

I don’t think you’re jealous OP. I think you’re very lonely, and your wonderful son was the centre of your world for a long time, and you were the centre of his, but now he is moving on to the next stage of his life and you miss him very badly. That is natural, and not unusual, but also very upsetting. Plus, seeing him start his adult life from the beginning with easy happy romantic relationships reminds you of your hopes and expectations at that age and that your marriage fell apart through no fault of your own. All this isn’t easy. Hugs.

I haven’t read the whole thread but hope Mumsnet isn’t giving you a hard time for being honest about your feelings.

xx

OP,
You have raised a happy, well balanced, popular and successful young person. You should be proud, not jealous.

It is a sign of your success as a mother that your son is out with his friends and having a great time.

He will be an excellent example to his siblings.

@Gingergirl70 wrote it beautifully.

You should be proud of the young man you've raised OP 👏👏 not jealous. I think you've used the words 'jealous of him' in the wrong context and you're being slated for it obviously.
Try to spend some individual time with him now, and when you become a nan I'm sure your bond will strengthen further and you'll get your boy back again ❤️

OP your son is the kind of son we all dream of having ourselves! You've clearly hand a big hand in him turning out how he has- well done. Please ignore the ridiculous posts on here- you've clearly touched a few nerves of some Pps.

Yes. It is bizarre.

So is crying all the way through pregnancy because you found out you were having a boy - your first too. Most people don't care about the sex of their unborn child when it is their first and even those who would like the opposite next time, don't cry if they are having another of the same sex.

It's quite normal for a 19 year old to want to spend more time with friends than parents and to not want to go on holiday with mum. Normal!

You need to start living your own life, op.