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AIBU?

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.


I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

2076 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
61%
You are NOT being unreasonable
39%
HeckyPeck · 04/04/2023 21:22

Your partner is out of order spending your savings on a holiday for his daughter.

If I were you I'd say to him (when DSD isn't there) that you only have savings for 3 of you to go as you'd explained before, but if he'd rather not go without DSD you understand and you'll go with your baby.

He can always save up to take his daughter on holiday.

Ktime · 04/04/2023 21:24

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby.

YABU to exclude your DSD.

Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future?

Then you don’t go on holiday until you save enough to take BOTH kids away.

Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

How do you know DSD ‘will’ be holidaying plenty? Does she go away with her mum now or are you just assuming you are in future?

If you want to take advantage of term time holidays, then you go with the baby and DH should stay home with his DD.

claire841 · 04/04/2023 21:24

If he wants his daughter to come on holiday he should be paying for her. End of.

thegrain · 04/04/2023 21:26

Take your baby on holiday by yourself. He's being an utter arse.

Ktime · 04/04/2023 21:26

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I do agree that you shouldn’t be paying for DH and DSD, he needs to save for this.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/04/2023 21:27

Why would you be paying for him and his daughter?

Twistyripple · 04/04/2023 21:27

Yep should be able to go without her. It's totally daft to suggest otherwise! I've spent my life in the position of your step daughter and have never felt that they shouldn't go away without me, I used to have my yearly holiday with my mum's family instead.

Nevermind31 · 04/04/2023 21:27

I think the problem lies in you have one child, and think this is your husband’s main child. He has two, and they are equal. So he might always want to go on holiday with both his children.

ButterCrackers · 04/04/2023 21:29

Why isn’t the mother paying for her daughters holiday if your partner cannot pay? Tell your partner that you won’t be paying out of your savings. The child’s mother can pay. Why should the mother get to save cash whilst you get to pay for her child to have fun?

Densol57 · 04/04/2023 21:29

Go on a caravan / holiday home holiday in the UK where it will cost NO more than food and a negligible amount for entertainment
I think its evil excluding his daughter

DothThouTwerk · 04/04/2023 21:30

Okay so I'm struggling to vote on this.

I am not one of these they think stepkids have to come on every single holiday, I holiday with and without, I holiday with DH with no kids, with DH with all kids, without DH at all, with my family etc... A whole range of things.

But I think you need to be careful here. Have you be away with her before? If this is literally your first abroad holiday as a family and you don't bring her I think you risk her being upset and feeling pushed out in favour of the brand new baby and I can understand why your partner wants to bring his daughter. Would you want to leave your baby behind if someone suggested it in these circs?

Your baby will have absolutely no idea about holidays so it's not for them, it's for you (which is fine).

BUT I also don't think long term it needs to be a situation where you guys can literally never go unless she comes on every one either. Like you say she will have holidays with mum too.

Would you contemplate going with your mum/friend on this occasion? If he doesn't want to go without his daughter then you cannot make him but that doesn't mean you need to miss out either.

You says it's your money does that mean you're planning on paying for the whole thing? If so then no you shouldn't need to pay for DSD or the extra to go in the holidays. If you agree to going away then and DSD joining then your partner should be funding her and the difference it costs to go during the holidays imo.

Anyway, basically I think a mix of her coming along to some and not to others is absolutely fine but the first one after a new baby is a bit... I don't know? Potentially upsetting maybe. And again you obviously cannot force your partner to want to holiday without his daughter, she is of course as much his child as your baby.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/04/2023 21:31

An 8 year old completely changed the type of holiday and the dynamic. Can’t you go when she will be going away with her mum?

NauseousNancy · 04/04/2023 21:32

I have a step daughter and wouldn’t go on holiday without her. She’d be upset. She gets holidays with her mum as well so she does get more holidays, but she also has the upheaval of being between two houses so there has to be some positives for her, and extra holidays is one of them!

if you put yourself in her shoes, her dad has had another baby and now might go on holiday without her. She’ll feel all out of sorts about the new baby anyway, excluding her from a holiday will send a clear message that she isn’t part of your family.

your partner shouldn’t expect for you to pay for the whole holiday though. It should be split!

StillWantingADog · 04/04/2023 21:33

I think you need to plan for a holiday for all for all four of you, eg next year

but I don’t see why you can’t go without her in the meantime, for starters personably you could avoid school holidays and have a much cheaper holiday.
overall she should be included sometimes but not always. Presumably she will go away with her mother at some point? I don’t think children with step families generally get to go on holiday twice as much!

Tinkerbyebye · 04/04/2023 21:34

Ktime · 04/04/2023 21:24

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby.

YABU to exclude your DSD.

Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future?

Then you don’t go on holiday until you save enough to take BOTH kids away.

Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

How do you know DSD ‘will’ be holidaying plenty? Does she go away with her mum now or are you just assuming you are in future?

If you want to take advantage of term time holidays, then you go with the baby and DH should stay home with his DD.

Oh go away with your if you can’t afford to take both you don’t go

the step child has a mother who takes her away on holiday, should the op really have to do without a holiday because of her step child

i think not. The step child has to understand the op is not her mother and is entitled to a holiday without her,

SpecialControlGroup · 04/04/2023 21:34

I would suggest that if he wants her to come that he pays for her to come and pays the additional for having to go in school holidays

If you listen to a lot of people on here second children will ALWAYS end up with the shitty end of the stick if their parents are together because they only get one opportunity to do things and it often has to revolve around the first child and their wants and needs, whereas first children will likely also get the opportunity to go on holidays with their other parent too (unless money is really tight). It seems very unfair

Beamur · 04/04/2023 21:35

i think not. The step child has to understand the op is not her mother and is entitled to a holiday without her
Rather than the child, the adults need to see this.
All of them.

DothThouTwerk · 04/04/2023 21:36

Oh and there isn't anything wrong with wanting to holiday without her. Don't be made to feel guilty about that. It's fair enough if your partner doesn't feel the same and you can't force him but you aren't her parent and she'd likely change the dynamic for you. It's fine to admit that.

InWalksBarberalla · 04/04/2023 21:36

Well the second child has their parents together and the first has them separated. So that feels more unfair than the first having a few more holidays than the second.

MacarenaMacarena · 04/04/2023 21:37

If your husband can afford to pay his daughter's costs that's one thing... Forcing you to pay double for school holiday time is another thing... Expecting you to subsidise his daughter's holiday experiences when your DS will miss out... Very difficult, be clear what your expectations and boundaries are, don't be railroaded...

NauseousNancy · 04/04/2023 21:37

I just think people often don’t think about how difficult it must be for the stepchild. It’s so important for them to feel like they have two homes where they are just as valued, loved and wanted. I’d be heartbroken if my step daughter ever thought I deserved a holiday without her.

NauseousNancy · 04/04/2023 21:38

InWalksBarberalla · 04/04/2023 21:36

Well the second child has their parents together and the first has them separated. So that feels more unfair than the first having a few more holidays than the second.

This!

Ktime · 04/04/2023 21:39

Tinkerbyebye · 04/04/2023 21:34

Oh go away with your if you can’t afford to take both you don’t go

the step child has a mother who takes her away on holiday, should the op really have to do without a holiday because of her step child

i think not. The step child has to understand the op is not her mother and is entitled to a holiday without her,

Oh go away with your assumptions.

OP said ’the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.’, which is quite strange phrasing. I’ve asked her to clarify if DSD does go away with her mum.

If DSD hasn’t been away at all and she knows her dad is going away with his new wife and baby, that will be devastating for her.

Fortheloveofus · 04/04/2023 21:39

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raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 21:39

Go without him.

Make it clear you're not spending your savings to take his daughter on a term time holiday, end of, and if he wants to do that, he's free to take her somewhere on his own. But you and your baby will be travelling to X on XyZ dates with or without him.

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