Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

You have one child, you can plan whatever you like for the two of you.

Your partner has two children in his family, of course a family holiday for him is going to include both his children.

Just because you are thinking about it rationally like that, doesn't mean an 8 year old will. She will be thinking she is being pushed out. Your oh will be feeling guilty, as he should tbh. It doesn't matter about all the reasons you are listing, your dsd and oh won't feel the same as you and that's enough of a reason to make sure you all can go. I don't think you should have to pay for everyone out of your savings though.

Don't rise to it OP. They wouldn't tell anyone other than a step mother that it's ridiculous for them to want to relax for a week on maternity leave because they are off work anyway. Everyone knows maternity leave is often not a relaxing walk in the park. Ignore the jibes.

The baby is going too though, that’s what I said. So it’s not a stress free break, it’s the stress of dealing with a very young baby in the heat, which take it from me is no picnic. The 8 year old will probably be easier. I don’t know why you posted here, the majority of people have told you it’s a mistake to exclude your partner’s daughter. You don’t want to know.

Don't be this step mum op. I get where you are coming from but you are damaging the child in the process. It's not her fault you've had a baby. She didn't ask to be part of a blended family but she is and she's vulnerable. It can cause real problems for her growing up.

Dad is absolutely right to want both his children on holiday. He has 2 children. He shouldn't expect you to pay though.

It also doesn't matter what the mum does. That's her life with her child.

We are a blended family and it's difficult at times. Myself and Dh have gone away for long weekends only taking the youngest dc (because we didn't want to leave him with family when young) but that was only when we had done a family holiday also.

I do worry this goes deeper. Is it really because you want time just as a 3? You, your partner and the baby?

You mention it being relaxing because your child is a baby - no holiday is ever truly relaxing when you have a child no matter what the age.

I do think YABU. When you chose to be with him, you also chose to accept his DD. They are a package deal. Plenty of posters on here would be outraged if the dad was refusing to take the mum's older kid on holiday with them, but happy to take their younger one. It is no different. Like it or not, she is part of your family and so yes, you should ensure you can either take everyone or no-one in my opinion. This whole "my savings", again, you are a household. You share a child, I can't imagine willingly getting into a serious relationship with someone who has a child and then not welcoming that child into our family unit. If the gender roles were reversed, people would be outraged. Plus the poor DD could be really upset and disappointed at feeling pushed out, PARTICULARLY where a new baby is concerned. Many older siblings struggle with this transition and a fear of being replaced or pushed out, and you would be absolutely feeding into that fear by leaving her behind.

You'll find people on here always feel like the step kids are hard done by. Actually a lot of them get more access to stuff x2 from 2 houses. Yes their parents are separated but that's not always the worse thing in the world for every kid in that situation.

With kids of different ages they are going to do different stuff. If it applies they do the same, then when SDD is over and wants to go to the cinema with dad, or swimming, or to a theme park, baby better go too, so they aren't left out yes?? No, obviously not because some things are for some kids and not for others due to age/preference/timing etc a number of things. If you go on an 'adult' based holiday (somewhere without kids clubs etc) then it wouldn't be suitable for an 8 year old. There is also nothing wrong with spending time with your own child and their dad and not step-child, you cannot do everything in your life with everyone in mind, it's not realistic. Otherwise you find yourself doing nothing with your own child 50% of the time or more so SDD doesn't miss out even though she's probably having a fab time with her mum!

It's a slippery slope.

I have step kids and my own kids are step kids. We try and be fair and equal but also, the kids have different needs and different access to things in both houses and we just explain to them why things are as they are. None feel hard done by or sad about it because they understand and still get plenty.

If my experience of holidaying with a small child is anything to go by, it is very much a case of same shit, just more difficult as you don't have all of your stuff.

I question why the 8 year old even needs to know? A holiday which is predominantly adult with a baby during term time is not something the 8 year old is missing out on as child activities don't need to be included on this occasion.

It's more odd that the parents are even telling the child.

Ha. I feel your pain financially, but it is a huge tribute to you and the other parents involved in your situation that they still feel so close to you and to each other even as adults.

It is a really lovely thing (and far better than the relationship in my own birth family with no 'step' anything involved). It's so good to see that these relationships can be managed properly, with love and care.

No there isn't. If you read my post I've said me and my Dh have done this. But made sure the other kids don't feel excluded

Sounds like there's a lot of hot air between 3 adults, and the only person paying is the poor kid.

It's unfair to exclude her, you got together with a man who had baggage and you accept that by default - take the poor kid away and don't leave her out - she's going to get a rough ride here I think poor thing

Her DP has 2 kids though. So he needs to holiday with both his kids and OP can holiday with their one DC. He can't holiday with just 'his daughter' without holidaying with 'his baby' too. That's not fair surely??

Yeah I noticed this. Seems very cold

And for others it's absolutely fine. My under 1yo slept on the plane (the most nerve wracking thing for me), perhaps OPs partner is usually at work during the week so there would be two to spread the load instead of just OP at home etc.. I went to Greece with my baby and yes there were times it was stressful (like with any day with a baby) but there were also relaxing times too like the longer naps because of the heat where I could sunbathe on the balcony with a book etc..

It might not be the exact same as a holiday without a baby but it certainly doesn't have to be awful either.

@Birdsbirdsbirds that the stress free holiday the OP wants isn't going to be stress free because having a child isn't stress free. Stop pretending it is and using it as an excuse to justify not wanting 'the daughter' around.

Don’t read too much into it. I love that girl. I just didn’t want to say ‘she was upset’ in case people thought mum of daughter was upset.

I think she is part of your family and should be included. At 8 she is old enough to be upset to not be included. Yes he should be paying towards this. He has 2 children who I’m sure he loves equally. How would you feel if this was the other way around?

What if you had an older child instead of your DH and your DH said he wanted to go on holiday just you, him and the new baby? Would you be ok leaving that child behind?