Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.


I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

[Fireyflies]

I think you should try and do some sort of holiday once a year that includes DSD. Holidays are important for building a sense of being a family so if you can only afford one a year then it ought to be including DSD, at least for the next few years while she's young enough to want to holiday with you and may be at risk of feeling pushed out by the new baby.

If your budget can stretch to two holidays, then you can probably do one without her either when she's already away with her mum (which would likely mean school holiday prices unfortunately) or during the time when she's with her mum as usual - without making a big deal out of it, which should be easy for the next few years as your baby won't be telling her about what she's missed out on.

In terms of holidaying with just you and the baby - would you really want to? Could be hard work. Visiting family and making a bit of a holiday out of it might work well though.

[TheMorningBird]

@Nevermind31

I think the problem lies in you have one child, and think this is your husband’s main child. He has two, and they are equal. So he might always want to go on holiday with both his children.

This…

[davegrohll]

@InWalksBarberalla

Well the second child has their parents together and the first has them separated. So that feels more unfair than the first having a few more holidays than the second.

This always get said but that isn't the second kids fault. And yes obviously it isn't the stepchild's fault the parents aren't togther either !

Op I think abit of both is fair, maybe a big family hol next year and this year just a week away in term time for you, dh and the baby. Or as a pp suggested, go when dsd is on holiday with her mum and she'll be none the wiser (what she doesn't know won't hurt her kind of thing)

[Curiosity101]

I don't think you should be bank rolling your partner's other child. So I can understand you waiting until he has enough money to pay for her. I can also understand you going solo with DS.

But I'm also thinking ahead a few years. Imagine a time where DS and DSD see each other as siblings. Surely the general rule of thumb should be that an invitation is extended to DSD? So long as your partner is providing for her and doing the bulk of the childcare.

[TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing]

Just go away on a weekend you're not having her and don't tell anyone 🤷🏼‍♀️

[DothThouTwerk]

@InWalksBarberalla

Well the second child has their parents together and the first has them separated. So that feels more unfair than the first having a few more holidays than the second.

Yeah no...

Not necessarily massively important in OPs case as a baby won't have a clue what's going on but there's no way as my DC grow up they'll be missing out on anything because they have their parents together and DSC dont.

That may mean we have to do things slightly differently i.e. me taking them alone or with family sometimes but no way on this earth will I deprive my child of things I can give them to compensate for DSCs parents separation.

[Number24Bus]

There's no definitive right or wrong answer to this one, but if you're paying I think YANBU.

[davegrohll]

It's never hard to pick out the first wives on Mumsnet either, have you been over to the step parenting board ?

[B0711]

She goes away with her mum. She has 2 holidays planned already this year. She had 3 holidays last year, one being with my family (lots of nieces on my side) which I paid for and I didn’t actually end up getting to go on as it landed in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and I just didn’t feel comfortable so my partner and she went with my family including my partners mother in replacement of me.

I totally want her to be involved with us. She completely is but this is also my special year with my baby and I do really feel selfish for saying that but I don’t get this time back. Whereas I KNOW we’ll have plenty of holidays in the future. I honestly don’t mind paying most the time, I earn the majority in the relationship but not this year!

[DothThouTwerk]

It's not hard to spot in reverse either.

[davegrohll]

@B0711

She goes away with her mum. She has 2 holidays planned already this year. She had 3 holidays last year, one being with my family (lots of nieces on my side) which I paid for and I didn’t actually end up getting to go on as it landed in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and I just didn’t feel comfortable so my partner and she went with my family including my partners mother in replacement of me.

I totally want her to be involved with us. She completely is but this is also my special year with my baby and I do really feel selfish for saying that but I don’t get this time back. Whereas I KNOW we’ll have plenty of holidays in the future. I honestly don’t mind paying most the time, I earn the majority in the relationship but not this year!

Op just go in term time. She won't be missing out just this once, if it makes it easier don't tell anyone

[NauseousNancy]

I understand it’s a special time with your baby. I often felt a bit done out of a maternity as I had my step daughter too, so there was no lazing around with the baby as there was still school runs etc.

It’s definitely a difficult transition. However, it’s also a really difficult transition for your step daughter too, and a time when she can easily feel really sensitive and left out.

how often is she with you?

[PaigeMatthews]

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby.
your dp cannot just choose one of his children to go on holiday with. He has two children. He should be taking both.

I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal
they were shit fathers, weren't they.

Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child?
yes. You cannot afford the holidays you want because your partner has two children he cannot afford to take on fancy holidays. You need to lower your expectations until your dp can earn more to support both his children.

it’s my money why does your do have no money?

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.
that would be fine.

[HeckyPeck]

@NauseousNancy

I just think people often don’t think about how difficult it must be for the stepchild. It’s so important for them to feel like they have two homes where they are just as valued, loved and wanted. I’d be heartbroken if my step daughter ever thought I deserved a holiday without her.

Stepchild here.

I wouldn't have cared at all if my stepmum took advantage of term time holiday costs to take her children on holiday. Especially if I got my own holidays with my mum.

Luckily my family were all supportive of each other and if it did happen, my mum would have said that I get a holiday with my mum so it's only fair that they get one with theirs.

I wouldn't have thought they should miss out and have less holidays than me because my parents were separated like another PP suggested. Thankfully my mum didn't raise me to be that entitled.

[Liorae]

What other expenses of his daughter does your husband expect you to cover?

[Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious]

The step child has to understand the op is not her mother and is entitled to a holiday without her,

But the OP partner is still her father. If he wants a holiday with both his children, why shouldn't he? Why should he have to exclude one of his children for the OP?

[Motheranddaughter]

I am sorry but I don’t agree with you
I understand why you want to go away just the 3 of you,but the child’s feelings must take priority
Hard enough for them being from a broken home
How would you feel if this was your child in the future

[arethereanyleftatall]

Remember that whilst YOU want to go on holiday just with your baby and partner, your partner should absolutely be wanting to go with both his children who he needs to treat equally.
From your sds perspective, her dad would be taking only his other child on holiday, not her. Which isn't nice for her.
You shouldn't be paying.

[DothThouTwerk]

@B0711

She goes away with her mum. She has 2 holidays planned already this year. She had 3 holidays last year, one being with my family (lots of nieces on my side) which I paid for and I didn’t actually end up getting to go on as it landed in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and I just didn’t feel comfortable so my partner and she went with my family including my partners mother in replacement of me.

I totally want her to be involved with us. She completely is but this is also my special year with my baby and I do really feel selfish for saying that but I don’t get this time back. Whereas I KNOW we’ll have plenty of holidays in the future. I honestly don’t mind paying most the time, I earn the majority in the relationship but not this year!

Then I think you're fine OP. My only reservation was if this was literally your first holiday. If you've been away together before and will again in the future then I don't see a big issue. Although I'd still be mindful about it being so soon after a new baby, that can be worrying for existing children even more so when it's a half sibling I imagine so just be mindful that she may be a bit sensitive to 'unfairness' for a while after the new baby.

But as I say you cannot force your partner to feel the same so sounds like you need another sit down to say you're NOT paying for a holiday in school holidays with DSD. If he wants that he pays. If he doesn't want to go with you and baby alone then fine but you'll be going still (can you go with family instead? I went away with my parents when my first was tiny without DH or DSC and it was fab one of my favourite holidays actually).

[Beamur]

Oh please, spare us the melodramatics.
I'm a step parent but also a stepchild. I've seen it from all sides.
Fair is not always equal.

[SuperheroBirds]

Given that you and her dad are just starting a family together with the new baby, I’d worry that going away without her will make your step daughter feel very left out at a time when she might already be worrying about such things.
Like it or not, she is part of your family. If she was your biological daughter, I presume you wouldn’t be suggesting leaving her behind to avoid a more expensive holiday? You chose to start a family with someone who already has a child, therefore they have to form part of your budgeting and planning too.

Someone commented that you can spot all the second wives in the replies. So just to show my own bias, my parents divorced when I was a child and both remarried people with other children. I would have felt really upset if I’d been excluded from holidays or other events with them. Having separated parents can be really difficult, so if it means there is a tiny upside through the possibility of more holidays, please don’t begrudge them that.

[DothThouTwerk]

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

The step child has to understand the op is not her mother and is entitled to a holiday without her,

But the OP partner is still her father. If he wants a holiday with both his children, why shouldn't he? Why should he have to exclude one of his children for the OP?

He doesn't have to. But he can pay for it then or accept OP may choose to go without him

[ilovewispas]

If you want your step daughter to feel pushed out, go ahead.

Your husband has two children, not one.