Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

I was a SC excluded from DFs new family & their holidays. Hurts like fuck. Your situation growing up was obviously different but if you all go away without her especially with the new "replacement" baby I think it would be really cruel. Obviously I'm projecting a bit, but she's 8 not an adult able to be rational about the situation & without a clue about finances. All your justifications won't stop it hurting her. He should have thought about all this before having a baby with you.

Your Dh pays and your sdd goes. Or you don’t go

If she's happy to go without him why shouldn't she go?

I've been to Disneyworld with my children without DH and stepchildren! Went with a friend instead. Now that really is something to be flamed for on MN 😀

Both children are equal to your dp so no ge shouldn't be only taking one child really. Fine if you want to go away with just the baby without you.

Yet another person who doesn't get that children are equal...,

You lost me at 'the daughter's.

@Bamboux trouble is they still want to come!!! At 29, 33 and 37, they’d be off like a shot if we were paying. We can’t afford it and l wish we could☹️

Theyre hilarious when they get together. Like a comedy act.

I think the compromise should be that you go on holiday with your dc, and your do can go with his daughter, and pay for their own holiday. Your baby will be none the wiser that your dh isn’t with you.

Exactly this. So many kids have their childhood ruined and get slowly frozen out of their fathers new lives coZ of this pettiness from their new partners.

If he pays for the SD then he should be paying half for the baby.

I don’t see what’s wrong with this tbh. It’s neither your fault nor that of your child that the SD’s parents aren’t together, and not something either of you are liable to pay repetitions for.

I would go without him. Incidentally I’m a first wife, not a stepmother, and not a stepdaughter. My brother and I individually travelled abroad with our parents at different times though, without there being drama over it.

That’s really kind of you.

I'm not perfect and I’ve struggled at times. But, my stepdaughter absolutely didn’t ask for this situation, or my daughter. I physically did ask for this situation by marrying someone with a child and choosing to have another.

As a family we have two children and if we can’t afford for everyone to do something then no one does it. That’s life. ‘My’ daughter wouldn’t want to go on holiday without her sister anyway.

I get what you're saying OP, it's a baby so not like you'll be taking them to water parks and all the rest so what is there to be jealous of. But I guess is is why people say children won't always think rationally. It's a time of big change in her life already and one that may already make her feel a bit hyper aware of any perceived unfairness in the way her dad treats her. I don't think logically there is a problem but just be mindful that a child, and one that's only just gone through the emotional upheaval of their dad having a new baby, may not see it the same way at the moment.

Not to say don't do it but just that I understand your partner's reservations about going without her, especially right now. So I'd probably agree to go without him.

Right. So now the step daughter isn’t going on holiday until you can do things that your child and her will enjoy. There is 8 years between them. Until they are adults there is going to be no time when their tastes completely coalesce. You see your step daughter as an inconvenience. Bare in mind she is your partner’s first born, the way you feel about your baby is the way he feels about her more than likely. You are being very cruel and you are denying a unique bonding experience for her to bond with her new sibling, the only one she is going to have through her dad. I don’t see what you are so desperate to relax from as you are off work anyway and the baby is coming too. I would be so hurt if I was your partner. You don’t see his child as part of your family. I wonder if you behaved like this before you had a baby of your own. 8 year olds are old enough to understand facts but they are not old enough to absorb the emotional implications from an adult perspective. Think very carefully.

My DD never gets invited on holidays with her dad. Their dog does though. She finds it upsetting. It's not because she's grabby and wants 2 holidays, it's that she wants to have the same bond with her dad and step mum that she does with me and her stepdad, and feels like a visitor rather than a part of their household.

Theres no pettiness. We have a pretty good conparenting relationship.

I just want a relaxing holiday, on maternity leave, with a baby I don’t have to pay for, before I go back to work. I do not want a stressful, expensive holiday this year. New motherhood (for me) has been hard enough.

Im happy to have expensive stressful holidays filled with laughing happy children who both can rinse us of our relaxation for years to come. Just this one year I want for me.

Can't you just declare that the "family holiday" is a week spent in the UK visiting family or doing something very cheap (camping etc) and then have a quiet "maternity leave break" somewhere that wouldn't suit an 8 year old?

I understand that you feel that this year is somehow special, but it's also probably the very worst time to make DSD feel pushed out (or her mum fear that DSD will be pushed out, which DSD will then pick up on) If you don't do a holiday with DSD then your DP will need to handle it very carefully to reassure both DSD and her mum (and preferably tell them nothing about any holiday plans that DSD isn't part of)

If you have a child with someone who also has children from previous relationships you always need to accept you need to include them. If you don't want to then you don't have a child with that person. I can see why you may want a holiday with just your child but it just may not be acceptable.

Except they aren't cause SDD gets 3-4 holidays a year and baby gets 1.

Things can never be 'equal' when it comes to blended family's if you try to make it so you have already lost. It's a case of equality as in individual circumstances, not 'treated exactly the same' that's not equality.

OP I get what you’re saying as well, you’re essentially wanting a couples holiday with a baby there, which is fine. I also see why it could hurt the 8 year olds feelings, especially as her mother had already positioned previous holidays in a really negative light.

An easy solution to me would be that you have a long weekend away and just don’t tell them?

You don’t know what I’m so desperate to relax from as I’m off work anyways? Is that a joke? I’m on maternity, I’ve never worked so frigging hard in my life and slept so little.

I’ve suffered post natal depression, I barely leave the house at the moment, we’ve went through lock down, cost of living crisis, shite weather. Like let me have this one.

I think you are being unreasonable

I think when you marry someone and they have children you take on those children too, that is part of being a blended family. Fair enough if she does not want to come. Fair enough if the dates don’t suit. But she should be included and invited. I suspect if this was YOUR child from a previous marriage/relationship you would feel very differently and would feel upset if they were excluded/not paid for.

I think your attitude is exactly what causes hostility in step-relationships

I love camping. Not entirely sure how camping would really work with a 3-9 month old baby though.

I don't think this is a good compromise at all. It's always suggested on threads like this too.

So basically saying dad can't possibly go away without DSC but he can go away without his child with OP. It's hypocritical.

If he can go on holiday with just his daughter and it be fine then there should be no issue with him going away with OP and their child without his daughter. Can't have it both ways. Cant make him to without his child unless it's the second family child obviously 🙄

This.

I understand why you want to, truly I do.

But I think the upset it’ll cause an 8 year old in the same year their dad has just had a new baby will be pretty damaging.