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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
DothThouTwerk · 04/04/2023 22:41

kirinm · 04/04/2023 22:38

@Birdsbirdsbirds that the stress free holiday the OP wants isn't going to be stress free because having a child isn't stress free. Stop pretending it is and using it as an excuse to justify not wanting 'the daughter' around.

Entirely stress free? No likely not. But different and more enjoyable/relaxing than a week at home? Erm yes it's entirely possible (and was for many of us who've done it). Because you didn't find it relaxing doesn't make that a universal experience.

lookluv · 04/04/2023 22:42

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Strawberrydelight78 · 04/04/2023 22:43

Exactly this they are both equally his children. She shouldn't have got into a relationship with someone who has a child if she doesn't want her child's half sibling joining them for holidays. Most family holiday accommodation is aimed at 2 adults and 2 children anyway.

Jellyx · 04/04/2023 22:43

Wow. You mean your baby's half sibling? You're all family now. Unless it's taking the baby away during term time with the agreement there's a family holiday with all kids during non term time.

How horrible to exclude a child!! You chose to have a baby with a man..who comes WITH a child.

PassTheDuckie · 04/04/2023 22:43

Don’t have a child with a man who has kids unless you are willing and able to put those kids’ needs above your own.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 04/04/2023 22:45

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 21:50

The step child has to understand the op is not her mother and is entitled to a holiday without her,

But the OP partner is still her father. If he wants a holiday with both his children, why shouldn't he? Why should he have to exclude one of his children for the OP?

When he coughs up for it, he can take them both.

whumpthereitis · 04/04/2023 22:45

Hungryfrogs23 · 04/04/2023 22:32

I do think YABU. When you chose to be with him, you also chose to accept his DD. They are a package deal. Plenty of posters on here would be outraged if the dad was refusing to take the mum's older kid on holiday with them, but happy to take their younger one. It is no different. Like it or not, she is part of your family and so yes, you should ensure you can either take everyone or no-one in my opinion. This whole "my savings", again, you are a household. You share a child, I can't imagine willingly getting into a serious relationship with someone who has a child and then not welcoming that child into our family unit. If the gender roles were reversed, people would be outraged. Plus the poor DD could be really upset and disappointed at feeling pushed out, PARTICULARLY where a new baby is concerned. Many older siblings struggle with this transition and a fear of being replaced or pushed out, and you would be absolutely feeding into that fear by leaving her behind.

‘Chose to accept his DD’ doesn’t mean ‘chose to act as a mother to her’, or ‘chose to finance her’. Welcoming someone into your family unit doesn’t mean holidaying with them every time, or paying for them.

Dinosaurus123 · 04/04/2023 22:46

Don't take her, like you said she goes on plenty of holidays, you've taken her away before, she's certainly never excluded, l don't know why everyone's so butthurt about it, no you are not mentally scaring her for life she's 8 for christ sake she'll get over it

kirinm · 04/04/2023 22:46

This isn't even a one off. The OP is clear in her first post that she wants holidays alone, just the three of them.

How many parents of young children holiday with only one child ? Most would want their children with them. How many holidays can Dad take if he needs holidays with his kids separately and together? It's in-workable.

kirinm · 04/04/2023 22:46

*un-workable

AnonymousA1 · 04/04/2023 22:46

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:46

She goes away with her mum. She has 2 holidays planned already this year. She had 3 holidays last year, one being with my family (lots of nieces on my side) which I paid for and I didn’t actually end up getting to go on as it landed in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and I just didn’t feel comfortable so my partner and she went with my family including my partners mother in replacement of me.

I totally want her to be involved with us. She completely is but this is also my special year with my baby and I do really feel selfish for saying that but I don’t get this time back. Whereas I KNOW we’ll have plenty of holidays in the future. I honestly don’t mind paying most the time, I earn the majority in the relationship but not this year!

This is more than about you not wanting to pay for her.

You husband/partner has 2 children not just yours.

Dahliass · 04/04/2023 22:48

B0711 · 04/04/2023 22:17

It’s not that though, she will come on all holidays in the future (price depending, in theory we can absolutely afford that but you never know what can happen in life)

But my baby will be a baby this year, as in we don’t have to entertain, we can relax.

if me and my partner separated and he went on holiday with a baby I don’t think I’d care. What would my 8 year old be missing out on when there’s a baby? Whereas when my baby older we’ll absolutely be holidaying together because we’ll be doing the excursions, the water parks, the theme parks etc.

I think it’s different with it being a baby and not it’s like I have a 5 year old and taking them on holiday without their sibling in which they would both enjoy the activities.

A child doesn't think like an adult does. They will think oh my Dad is going on holiday with his new family and I'm not invited. It's the exclusion that would hurt.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 22:48

OP, so he said what he thought you wanted to hear but is now disregarding it?

Sounds about right.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, but these are the issues that consistently arise when having children with men whom already have children.

Of course you are also paying for it all too, again, how typical.

This is likely your life from now on.

I think it is perfectly reasonably to pick up a cheap off season holiday, but clearly he has other ideas.

Go with your mother or a friend and leave him to it.

If he gets his way this time, this will be it for you.

I suggest you have a look at some of the threads on Step parenting on MN, not for the faint hearted.

Mind yourself.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2023 22:48

claire841 · 04/04/2023 21:24

If he wants his daughter to come on holiday he should be paying for her. End of.

This!!

dont know how anyone could possibly disagree with this

anyone??

Original poster
B0711 · 04/04/2023 22:48

Same. You sound awful to co-parent with.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 04/04/2023 22:49

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Why would you assume a fictional older child of the OP would live with her full time, and not have two homes with their other parent like the OP’s DSD does?

Bernadinetta · 04/04/2023 22:50

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2023 22:48

This!!

dont know how anyone could possibly disagree with this

anyone??

Show quote history

I don’t think anyone is disagreeing with this? The OP isn’t just saying she doesn’t want to pay for DSD, she doesn’t want her to come full stop.

Original poster
B0711 · 04/04/2023 22:50

You’ve clearly misunderstood.

the baby is free to holiday with us this year. It’s only this year I want it to just be us. For financial and dynamic reasons (8 year olds are fun but need a lot of entertaining). She will absolutely be with us on all other holidays.

OP posts:
kirinm · 04/04/2023 22:50

I can't believe adults expect a young child to understand and not be upset by their Dad going off on holiday without them.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 04/04/2023 22:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lolasgame · 04/04/2023 22:51

This

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/04/2023 22:52

Another step child here.

When my father's partners paid for holidays with their dc and my father, I did not go. I went on lots of holidays with my mother that they did not go on, so never saw that as a big deal.

What is the deal supposed to be, children from first families have twice as many holidays as children from second families? It's ridiculous.

The whole you have two homes so you should have everything you have in one home in the other is ridiculous too.

FeetupTvon · 04/04/2023 22:52

When you decide to take up a relationship with a man with a child you accept that child too.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 04/04/2023 22:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Bernadinetta · 04/04/2023 22:54

B0711 · 04/04/2023 22:50

You’ve clearly misunderstood.

the baby is free to holiday with us this year. It’s only this year I want it to just be us. For financial and dynamic reasons (8 year olds are fun but need a lot of entertaining). She will absolutely be with us on all other holidays.

Not sure if this was to me, but if so I’m not sure how you can say I’ve misunderstood? What I said was “the OP isn’t just saying she doesn’t want to pay for the DSD, she doesn’t want her to come full stop”. Is that not correct?

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