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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
TheMorningBird · 04/04/2023 21:56

I actually think who pays is irrelevant.

I completely understand why OP wants to holiday with hubby and baby, it’s a special time.

It’s a special time for hubby too, with his two children.

If you were to have a second child with your hubby would you want to leave this child with grandparents so you could holiday with just your second born, because this is essentially what your asking your hubby to do. You’ve shown absolutely no regard for how he has equal love for both his children.

Snugglemonkey · 04/04/2023 21:56

Nevermind31 · 04/04/2023 21:27

I think the problem lies in you have one child, and think this is your husband’s main child. He has two, and they are equal. So he might always want to go on holiday with both his children.

This is the issue.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 21:56

He doesn't have to. But he can pay for it then or accept OP may choose to go without him

I do agree. OP has to understand that though and not complain if he chooses not to leave one child behind

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 21:57

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HeckyPeck · 04/04/2023 21:58

Motheranddaughter · 04/04/2023 21:50

I am sorry but I don’t agree with you
I understand why you want to go away just the 3 of you,but the child’s feelings must take priority
Hard enough for them being from a broken home
How would you feel if this was your child in the future

I really don't get this point of view at all.

I wouldn't have wanted my half siblings to miss out on holidays (that I got to have with my own mum) as some sort of punishment for them having their parents together.

DothThouTwerk · 04/04/2023 21:59

so if it means there is a tiny upside through the possibility of more holidays, please don’t begrudge them that

I don't think it's necessarily that it's begrudged. But if it's a case of DSC going away with their mother and then my child literally never getting to go on holiday because we can't afford for DSC to have a second one with us then yeah I'll be going with my child. Id raher each child have one holiday with whoever than DSC have 1 (or however many with their mum) and mine have none at all because we can't afford to bring DSC so therefore can't go.

As a mother I'd never accept that for my child personally. Even if it meant needing to go without DH (which I have done).

Ktime · 04/04/2023 22:00

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:46

She goes away with her mum. She has 2 holidays planned already this year. She had 3 holidays last year, one being with my family (lots of nieces on my side) which I paid for and I didn’t actually end up getting to go on as it landed in the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and I just didn’t feel comfortable so my partner and she went with my family including my partners mother in replacement of me.

I totally want her to be involved with us. She completely is but this is also my special year with my baby and I do really feel selfish for saying that but I don’t get this time back. Whereas I KNOW we’ll have plenty of holidays in the future. I honestly don’t mind paying most the time, I earn the majority in the relationship but not this year!

Ok this does change my view a bit.

Tell DH he can book the summer holiday when he’s saved the money for him and the 2 kids.

But you will be using your savings to take your baby away, he can join or not, up to him.

Why doesn’t he have savings?

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 22:00

HeckyPeck · 04/04/2023 21:58

I really don't get this point of view at all.

I wouldn't have wanted my half siblings to miss out on holidays (that I got to have with my own mum) as some sort of punishment for them having their parents together.

Show quote history

Hmmmm doesn’t seem to have happened to you and frankly you are putting a lot of adult thoughts in to a hypothetical 8 year old’s head.

DothThouTwerk · 04/04/2023 22:02

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 21:56

He doesn't have to. But he can pay for it then or accept OP may choose to go without him

I do agree. OP has to understand that though and not complain if he chooses not to leave one child behind

I agree. I don't think it's unreasonable of him not to want to go without her but then I'd be pissed if he complained at me making it happen another way i.e. with family, alone, with a friend etc..

JMSA · 04/04/2023 22:02

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JMSA · 04/04/2023 22:03

NauseousNancy · 04/04/2023 21:32

I have a step daughter and wouldn’t go on holiday without her. She’d be upset. She gets holidays with her mum as well so she does get more holidays, but she also has the upheaval of being between two houses so there has to be some positives for her, and extra holidays is one of them!

if you put yourself in her shoes, her dad has had another baby and now might go on holiday without her. She’ll feel all out of sorts about the new baby anyway, excluding her from a holiday will send a clear message that she isn’t part of your family.

your partner shouldn’t expect for you to pay for the whole holiday though. It should be split!

You're lovely.

frazzledasarock · 04/04/2023 22:04

I would not be setting a precedent of paying for DSD going on holiday with you. That should come out of your partners pocket it’s his DD.

Go on your own if he’s adamant he wants to take his DD but is unable to pay, go with your family or friends and enjoy your maternity leave.

MacarenaMacarena · 04/04/2023 22:05

In that the OP is expected to pay for it and every £500 for step daughter's holidays she has to work to pay for, while the little girl's mum has holidays with her too. Making the OP scrimp on her own child's life experiences and her own. I'm not sure I'd want to work so hard and sacrifice so much and compromise my own holiday experience for someone else's child - if get DP has a low income, maybe he can compromise and pay for a tent holiday. OP will only get one chance at free baby holidays, Dsd's mum and dad have already had that.

Greenfree · 04/04/2023 22:05

I think you should take his daughter but make it clear that he needs to pay or at least split the cost, I think the time for you to have alone holidays is when your SD is away with her mum. My 7 year old would be very upset if her dad went on holiday without but I think when she gets older it would be fine, although I'm not sure how she would feel if he has another child and just took them away - things can be very confusing at that age. I'm taking her away this summer (with my partner) and going away with my partner alone when she's away with her dad so she doesn't feel like I'm leaving her out. Taking her with you may not be what you want but your are her stepmother and should treat her in the same way as you treat your own child

grumpycow1 · 04/04/2023 22:06

You don’t have to take DSD every time - especially if you can’t afford it while on Mat leave and want a special bonding time with baby! You clearly plan on taking her in future and have done in past. Please don’t pay for this out of your savings - DH needs to cough up, or if not, just go you and baby. He needs a backbone for his ex!

Bernadinetta · 04/04/2023 22:06

The fact that she goes on holidays with her Mum is neither here nor there- to a child it’s not about the actual holiday, it’s about spending the special time with her parent. What are your arrangements for how often she’s with your and her Dad? Could you manage to squeeze in a holiday without her knowing? Eg if it’s term time and she usually comes to you say Friday night to Sunday and a Wednesday night, could you miss the Wednesday night for one week and you both and DSD’s mum to tell her Daddy has an important work meeting that night or something, she you go away Monday to Friday? Tell her you’ll have her an extra night in the school holidays to make up for it? Can get away with it for now as she baby can’t tell her!

CandleInTheStorm · 04/04/2023 22:06

The worst part of all of this is the fact the step child has even been informed of a holiday by mum and dad that hasn't even been planned.

A holiday with the two of you and a newborn is a very different holiday to one with an 8 year old! The former is more adult focused as you're not essentially have to do "child friendly " activities etc. You can relax as a couple and take care of baby. With the 8 year old the dynamic massively changes as you now have to entertain a child with fun activities or they will be bored, especially as their half sibling can't play with them.

Go and enjoy a holiday with your baby and dp and say "sorry but on this occasion, it's just us and the baby, but when the baby gets older, we will take both kids away. The 8 year old doesn't need to be any the wiser, like she shouldn't have been in the first place.

Irritateandunreasonable · 04/04/2023 22:08

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Wtf is wrong with you? You got with him you know he had a daughter, you’ve entered HER family by choice.

You can’t just pretend she doesn’t exist and go off and play happy families, what you’re suggesting is disgusting.

maddy68 · 04/04/2023 22:09

Yabvu. You are a family now. She goes on holiday with you

Mumtobabyhavoc · 04/04/2023 22:10

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This. Put yourself in dsd's shoes. You have to take her onboard fully. She also deserves holiday time with her dad.

Etoile41 · 04/04/2023 22:10

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Blendiful · 04/04/2023 22:10

I would say you aren't paying and are going in term time.

Then he can either pay and take her out of school or not at all. Nothing wrong with going without her if she's going away with her mum. I get why your OH would want her to go, but then he can pay for it. If he can't, he doesn't get to decide that.

Holidaying with a baby is still relaxing for naps etc, a child is different.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/04/2023 22:13

Your Dh pays and your sdd goes. Or you don’t go.

We always took all our sdc on holidays for 10years. Even if they went with their other parents. We had some great times.

Bamboux · 04/04/2023 22:15

@NauseousNancy and @ArseInTheCoOpWindow you give me hope that there are decent, caring adults out there who have empathy for the children whose lives they've chosen to become involved in. Your stepchildren and your own children are all lucky to have you.

Original poster
B0711 · 04/04/2023 22:17

It’s not that though, she will come on all holidays in the future (price depending, in theory we can absolutely afford that but you never know what can happen in life)

But my baby will be a baby this year, as in we don’t have to entertain, we can relax.

if me and my partner separated and he went on holiday with a baby I don’t think I’d care. What would my 8 year old be missing out on when there’s a baby? Whereas when my baby older we’ll absolutely be holidaying together because we’ll be doing the excursions, the water parks, the theme parks etc.

I think it’s different with it being a baby and not it’s like I have a 5 year old and taking them on holiday without their sibling in which they would both enjoy the activities.

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