Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

I don't think that being given too many 'gadgets and clothes' by their other parent can be seen as abusive.

But leaving that aside... even if their behaviour was genuinely truly awful, the point is that the child in this situation is the only person who has no choice about being there. Adults can leave abusive or unhappy relationships. Children can't.

The adults are choosing to continue the relationship. The child is forced into it. This applies to relationships with their own parents too, the difference being that it is legally and ethically much more difficult for a parent to end contact with their own child.

@Bamboux We're going round in circles here. We just have different underlying points. Yes, I get it, adults can leave. My point is, even if they do so chuntering under their breath about how much they dislike the child, that is normal and to be expected if the child has been unpleasant.

No, your moral outrage that OP and her DP might have a break for themselves, even though they have other things planned including her step child, would indicate that you have a huge problem with something not being about the step child.
I'm so glad my family doesn't spin entirely around one person all the time. Sometimes DSD is priority. Sometimes she isn't. Just like everyone else in the family.

I don't think that being given too many 'gadgets and clothes' by their other parent can be seen as abusive

Of course not, but sofa appears to hold all step children/ step parenting relationships in such resentment and contempt that she would jump more easily to this explanation than any number of other much more likely realities, in her efforts to defend that OP’s unpleasantness.. It’s very “white lives matter” and “not all men”.

My position is simply that all parents and step parents have a duty to consider the needs and wellbeing of all their children equally and put it above their own (as adults). I don’t think that should be controversial, nor does it imply that needs much always revolve entirely around one person.

Yes, And My point was that the circumstances that we had knowledge of- - were enough to know that what that pp said was horrible and it’s inexcusable for people like you to immediately leap to her defence . You defended her by saying it’s “natural” and “normal” to dislike people who treat you like crap. But That isn’t self evidently true at all. We should not normalise step parents holding their step children in contempt for being “spoiled” . that is toxic.

I haven't leapt to her defence. I have repeatedly said that I would ask for the background, before just assuming there was no good reason for it. Yes, she mentioned them being spoilt, but there could be more to it.

It isn't self evidently true that her SC treated her like crap, but I maintain that it is natural and normal to dislike them if they have. And I would find out before condemning her as if they definitely haven't.

Of course not, but sofa appears to hold all step children/ step parenting relationships in such resentment and contempt that she would jump more easily to this explanation than any number of other much more likely realities, in her efforts to defend that OP’s unpleasantness.. It’s very “white lives matter” and “not all men”.

🙄 God you're tedious. It's just as likely that they were unpleasant to her as it is that she just hated them for no good reason. When someone talks negatively about their DH on here, people ask "do you have other issues with him that's making you feel this negatively", they don't just assume she is a raging man hater. The same principle applies here.

When men say profoundly misogynistic things about women they are dating, when people express racist attitudes , we rightly condemn it as wrong, we don’t wait to hear all the awful things the other person has done to justify their nastiness. So it should be with a step parent calling their step child “dripping with gadgets” and “spoilt”. It’s about structural context and power.

When men say profoundly misogynistic things about women they are dating, when people express racist attitudes , we rightly condemn it as wrong, we don’t wait to hear all the awful things the other person has done to justify their nastiness. So it should be with a step parent calling their step child “dripping with gadgets” and “spoilt”. It’s about structural context and power.

False dichotomy. Misogyny and racism are never acceptable. If a man simply didn't like a woman, we should ask him why.

Misogyny and racism are never acceptable
Yes exactly , and in the same way it should not be acceptable for a step parent to speak this way about a step child , regardless of personal feelings and what said step child may have done . It’s about (structural) context and power. The power differential, the relationship of dependency, the differentials in capacity, maturity, autonomy, life experience, are the context that makes it completely inappropriate and unacceptable .

@Tandora Again, I disagree. Disliking a child is not an "ism". It is not routed in prejudice, it is just an honest reflection of their behaviour and character. Children will be disliked in the same way adults will. Yes it matters how the adults handle it, but no, disliking a child is nothing like racism or misogyny.

Glad to read that you are in support of OP getting her break, apologies for the misunderstanding.

Your posts are very petulant.

Actually in OP’s circumstances as she’s described in all her updates. I’m not sure it would be terrible to take a break with the baby if DSD had no knowledge. But the fact that her partner is apposed, matters , and I think she should take that into account and appreciate him being a good dad (although I don’t think OP should have to pay for everything). However, in general I do not think it’s ok for men to go on holiday with new partners and children without other children, as this is something that can be incredibly hurtful and have lasting impact.

I have explained the links with “isms”. It is about structural inequalities in the relationship - the broader context. The power differential, the relationship of dependency, the differentials in capacity, maturity, autonomy, life experience, are the context that makes it completely inappropriate and unacceptable for a step parent to speak this way about a step child. “Isms” are just words we invented to describe these situations. Perhaps we do need one for children- no reason we shouldn’t.

Furthermore, I doubt pp’s dislike for her DSD is an “honest reflection of the character and behaviour of the child”. Maybe her step child is a psychopath who abuses pp daily, if she were however I doubt her complaints would be “dripping in gadgets” and “spoilt”. Much more likely DSD is an ordinary child, with ordinarily challenging and annoying behaviour. Children are difficult and challenging and annoying. Some are worse than others, but few are wholly bad. We cope and tolerate children because we love them, because they need us, because they are dependent on us. Yes it’s harder for a step parent than a parent because the ties are different, but the responsibility is to try, with patience, goodwill and restraint. None of which were demonstrated by that pp

*“Isms” are just words we invented to describe situations that address structural power inequalities, and the abuse of these, that should say.

I think going on your own would be best in this set of circumstances.

@Tandora you realise I don't have to agree with your explanation, right? Yes there is a power imbalance, but things like misogyny, racism, homophobia etc are characterised by prejudice against somebody based on what they are. That is not the same as disliking a child because of their personality and behaviour. I will never agree with you that they are on a par, they are totally different things.

This thread is bonkers - I can't believe it's still going - Op hasn't been back for a month

That’s because it was reignited by a goady PP who spoke disparagingly about her stepchild ‘dripping in gadgets’ and spoiled rotten. Maybe her stepchild is indeed spoiled, but her attitude came across as very unpleasant. So naturally that got people’s backs up.

But, like the OP, that poster disappeared from the thread.

This thread will soon come to an end anyway, it’s nearly full now. Just as well, as it isn’t doing anyone any good now.

Yes of course I appreciate you are free to disagree; but you kept saying things that suggested you had totally missed the point! But sure thing, I found what pp said unacceptable for reasons explained. you don’t agree for reasons explained 👍🏻

Ps- Also racism isn’t just based on prejudice. Prejudice and racism are often linked by not the same. You can be racist when you uphold and exploit systems of power that structurally marginalise minority groups. Intentional or not. It’s about structural inequalities - not prejudice.
furthermore, i also think there is a prejudice that exists against children in general and children who are not one’s own in particular,

Ah there it is again. OP must give way in all matters in the name of him "being a good dad", which is a recipe for being NRP to another child. OP and their relationship matter too.
Being a SM requires a huge amount of sacrifice in all sorts of ways that you might not necessarily realise at the start. At the minor end of the scale, I myself have a hugely disruptive school run to do for DSD later as her parents are in a jam and I am able to help so I will help, of course.
Would I feel so helpful if my DH crowded me out of my own life and made me feel like my needs didn't matter? Probably not. Relationships are two ways or they are toxic.

"being a good dad"
not sure why this is in inverted commas? Are you implying this is a trivial or false matter? Yes, I think if dad’s instincts are to include his child in this holiday, that is important. I do think children’s needs come first when they are small , and that relationship takes priority , regardless of family constitution.

Thank God this thread is nearly full.

No, I'm implying that "being a good dad" isn't simply taking something important to your partner and handing it over to your child without a moment's consideration. The child has several trips catering to her needs to look forward to already. OP just wanted one trip to suit her needs but he could not let it happen.
You can't be in a healthy relationship or have more than one child if you want to prioritise your eldest child every single time. It doesn't make him a good dad, it makes him a fool.