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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know how to digest this feedback?

233 replies

pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 07:37

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

OP posts:
PussBilledDuckyPlait · 04/04/2023 07:43

My first thought was that he feels threatened by you, as a confident and successful woman - he doesn't want you taking over his territory. I don't think you should attach too much to his feedback - this is one person, compared to many others who have said you are down to earth and relatable. His comment, based on hardly knowing you, doesn't deserve revisiting with a fuller response.

If you enjoy the club and it's a good opportunity to play the sport, just go there to participate - it's his loss if he doesn't want to make use of your offer to organise events.

mynameiscalypso · 04/04/2023 07:47

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 04/04/2023 07:43

My first thought was that he feels threatened by you, as a confident and successful woman - he doesn't want you taking over his territory. I don't think you should attach too much to his feedback - this is one person, compared to many others who have said you are down to earth and relatable. His comment, based on hardly knowing you, doesn't deserve revisiting with a fuller response.

If you enjoy the club and it's a good opportunity to play the sport, just go there to participate - it's his loss if he doesn't want to make use of your offer to organise events.

100% agree with this. I don't think it's you, I think it's his inability to interact with you.

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 07:47

I think that the problem with trying to talk to him again is that may turn it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. The best way forward IMO is to try to forget the conversation ever happened and move forwards behaving as naturally as you possibly can. Not easy I know!

OhMerde · 04/04/2023 07:47

Blimey, that's really brutal of him and quite unnecessary actually. There's nothing you can do to work on yourself with feedback like that. He should have said nothing and just kept a watching eye if he thought it. It's personal and spiteful. I wouldn't go back to him tbh. If you want to continue there, just crack on with being you. Just focus on the sport. I wouldn't respect him too much now either after calling you a fake.

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 07:48

I don't think you're the one in the wrong here.

ladyofshertonabbas · 04/04/2023 07:50

Wow. He’s trying to put you down. Defo feels threatened.

Goodadvice1980 · 04/04/2023 07:53

Sadly I agree with other posters. He feels threatened by an independent strong woman. Don’t quit the hobby if you enjoy, that’s what he wants!

MinnieEgg · 04/04/2023 07:53

What the FUCK!

I imagine he stomps through all aspects of his life in a similar way. He's carefully pointing out to you that he has the power.

He probably doesn't like your successful life in all different areas.

I'm one of few women
I bet you are!

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 04/04/2023 07:53

This has to be the healthiest interaction I have ever read on mn.
Total respect shown on both sides, you sound extremely self aware and like a reflective and level person.
For this reason I think that it will settle into a great relationship, and I think that you will be able to discuss what has been unsaid and then draw a line under it.

Slimjimtobe · 04/04/2023 07:54

That was a covert put down really wasn’t it- he’s trying to say you are ‘arse licking’ and not genuine

I would be hurt but I think ignoring it and having little direct contact with him is best (or looking for a more supportive club)

Standbyguest · 04/04/2023 07:57

He sounds very insecure. Most normal people would recognise that if someone is new to a group that they might put on the niceties for a bit until they feel more at home, and they wouldn't pull that person up on it. What he did was strange and it sounds like he's threatened by your confidence.

Hillrunning · 04/04/2023 07:57

I'm trying to look at this from different angles. I suppose a newbie being at everything and offering to help with arrangements so early on could come across as a bit try hard. If he wouldn't go about integrating himself into a new group in such a strong way, it could come across as inauthentic. Did you leave it that you won't help with the tournament then? I'd just back off a little and relax into the integration.

HotPenguin · 04/04/2023 07:58

It's not you, it's him! Most clubs would be delighted to have a new member who's keen to help out. I think his comment was actually quite weird. It's like he's trying to unsettle you and make sure he's "dominant". I'd brush it off and give him a wide berth.

Starseeking · 04/04/2023 07:58

Sounds like it was his insecurity speaking. A lot of men are uncomfortable around confident, secure women, it sounds like something this coach said to try and unsettle you, given he hardly knows you.

Whenever you're around him, put that conversation to the back of your mind, continue to be yourself and pretend it never happened. Fake it till you make it, so to speak.

Mightyouandiconfabulate · 04/04/2023 07:59

My post is opposite of everyone else’s, but what I do mean is that you have handled it impeccably op.

Lancasterel · 04/04/2023 07:59

I think that’s really rude! Not something I’d say to anybody in any part of my life - do people really think it’s ok to speak to others like that?!

I think it’d put me off going back to be honest.

Knullrufs · 04/04/2023 08:00

Some social/sports clubs are delicate little fiefdoms of invisible lunacy.

My gut says you’ve stumbled into some unspoken, long-standing beef between two (or more) other people who can’t communicate with each other. You know the sort of thing — ‘Oh no, you can’t drive the minibus, Brian always drives the minibus.’

HarlanPepper · 04/04/2023 08:01

I don't think he should have said that to you. He overstepped. I wouldn't address it again with him though, I would just carry on as you are.

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/04/2023 08:01

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 04/04/2023 07:43

My first thought was that he feels threatened by you, as a confident and successful woman - he doesn't want you taking over his territory. I don't think you should attach too much to his feedback - this is one person, compared to many others who have said you are down to earth and relatable. His comment, based on hardly knowing you, doesn't deserve revisiting with a fuller response.

If you enjoy the club and it's a good opportunity to play the sport, just go there to participate - it's his loss if he doesn't want to make use of your offer to organise events.

This. Honestly I would look for another team. You are always going to be worrying about what to say around him.
The way he spoke to you was not normal or necessary. I wouldn’t even let them know you won’t be back.

Aprilx · 04/04/2023 08:02

Hillrunning · 04/04/2023 07:57

I'm trying to look at this from different angles. I suppose a newbie being at everything and offering to help with arrangements so early on could come across as a bit try hard. If he wouldn't go about integrating himself into a new group in such a strong way, it could come across as inauthentic. Did you leave it that you won't help with the tournament then? I'd just back off a little and relax into the integration.

I can also see that view point. It all seems a bit much to join a new group and then be offering to run a tournament so early on. I think I would find it a bit much too and I expect this was his angle.

Lamelie · 04/04/2023 08:02

Look for another team.
If you wish you could tell random man (which he is in this situation) that you’re leaving because of what he said.

Knullrufs · 04/04/2023 08:03

Or the other thing it could be is that if you’re new to the sport (as you say) he has some silly notion that only experienced players do the administrative stuff. And you’ve inadvertently leapfrogged a sort of ‘experience queue’ of other people, all of whom have been players and club members longer than you, and he feels like you’re pushing in a bit. Daft, but plausible.

Whataretheodds · 04/04/2023 08:03

How bizarre.

Did he ask for volunteers to help with the tournament?

Blogswife · 04/04/2023 08:03

Not really the way to welcome new members but I’m pretty certain that he feels threatened here .
I would back off with offering to help or with putting forward any ideas until you’re more settled .
Hopefully he may come to realise that you’re not after his crown !

SoupDragon · 04/04/2023 08:04

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself

Maybe your "very extroverted" is his "way too over the top and pushy"?

How long have you been doing this hobby? By always being there at everything and offering to help organise something maybe it's come across as too much too soon and as if you are trying to ingratiate yourself.

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