To not know how to digest this feedback?

[pleasepleasemee]

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

I get less opportunities than everyone else! People who've been playing less time get more than I do. I assumed it was because I simply wasn't good enough yet.

I guess you'll have to ask him what unauthentic means, then. It's a weird word. Insincere? Manipulative? Overbearing? Over-confident? Greedy? I couldn't make sense of it, either.

I am wondering about asking another guy on the team that I'm closer with, to be transparent about how I'm perceived
I wouldn't ask about perceptions of you, I'd ask about perceptions of him.
Most clubs and charities are desperate for people to step up and help; what on earth is he doing in trying to discourage you? I'm not surprised that the club is short of women!

He sounds creepy to me I’d be wary of him.

First answer nailed it.

He's a misogynistic twat. He's probably used to bossing everyone around and doesn't know how to handle you as he's threatened by your confidence.

I wouldn't ask about perceptions of you, I'd ask about perceptions of him - ditto.

And don’t share what he said to you either o’wise it will get back.

I think his comments were totally unnecessary. He doesn’t like you OP and finds you overly enthusiastic.

Take him off the pedestal. If you want to carry on with this activity, you need to chill out and not volunteer to help because it is not welcome - he just wanted the old hands . I wouldn’t talk about it to him or anyone else - I think that will make it bigger. Sorry that this happened to you.

I'm not being vague about what he said.

Word for word it was that he felt uncomfortable around me because he felt I wasn't authentic around him and was just trying to say what he wanted to hear so that he gave me opportunities to play.

He said it in the context of planning the tournament and that he didn't feel the dynamic would work (although he ultimately took me up on the offer).

I took it at face value initially but now I'm reflecting on everything. I am the only woman showing up to every single event, watching every match, going all the social stuff and getting to know as many people as possible.

It has somewhat occurred to me that my presence might change the dynamic a bit (people sometimes bring their wives to the social stuff but no other female players tend to join), but not to the extent I'd be unwelcome or disliked.

I'm thinking this guy posts on mumsnet in his spare time. You know, those posts that begin with 'I mean this in the nicest way ....'

This is strange - hes a coach at a social/voluntary activity, not your manager, psychologist or educational supervisor. Absolutely no business of his to try and shape mould or critique your approach or personality, especially unsolicited.

Ignore, breezy and normal interactions, carry on as you were, volunteering and being involved as suits you. Your freezing out of situations will be noticed.
The person who is inauthentic and has an agenda is him, dont rise to it. Probably not worth rehashing the first convo but if he ever tries that shit again have a reply ready - basically setting the whole thing back on him eg questioning his authority, his intent and sheer presumption. Tempting to ask him are you negging? because this is a bloody weird level of overreach and personal critisism for a social club

Yes,
'inauthentic' is not a reasonable criticism. He's a twit to use such a word.

I took it at face value initially but now I'm reflecting on everything. I am the only woman showing up to every single event, watching every match, going all the social stuff and getting to know as many people as possible.

I wonder if there's a reason for that, i.e. that he's put all the other women off in the same way? It would be interesting to talk to some of them to see what they think about him.

But why on Earth does he feel the need to deconstruct your personality like this? We all meet people and think they’re a bit pushy, they’re a bit false, so and so can be a bit flaky, they can be a bit arse licky, but you don’t tell people!! Maybe during a heart to heart with your partner, but he’s a coach at a sports club FFS. I assume you’re paying to be there. My DH is a member of a local sports club and there are so many characters. Some are ridiculously competitive, some are useless at the sport but good fun, you don’t break down someone’s traits and pick them up on it. Personally I would leave, fuck that, I wouldn’t be spoken to like that, no matter how respectful he was. And I would say, I was quite offended when you said I wasn't authentic, I found it rude.

He's a dick, and I think it's about you being a woman and that may make the behaviour of the group 'less laddish'.

So, you can respect his sports ability, but you need to get your head around the fact that he's a dick. I wouldn't thank him, I'd play, talk to everyone else and distance myself from him. Don't volunteer anymore, and keep your interactions to a minimum.

I would, though, because it's the sort of thing that would eat away at me, say to him something along the lines of 'considering your views, which I wholeheartedly disagree with, you'll understand if I put things on a slightly more formal footing between us as you are clearly uncomfortable with my style of communication - I just wanted to explain why I'm giving you space' - and then turn and walk away. I think you need to say something otherwise he'll just keep twisting things. And then put him in the drawer labelled 'Misogynistic Dicks', and give it no more thought.

I could have written your post a few years ago when I was in a muay thai club - male dominant and an insecure coach. I was always being approached to help out with interclubs, help new members and provide transport for the fighters shows. I stuck at it for 5 years because I loved the sport and most of the other members. But. My relationship with the lead coach ended up being very stressful. A constant weird undercurrent driven by small but multiple misunderstandings. I tried multiple times to 'clear the air' but soon realised that whilst he presented as a kind person (and he was extremely knowledgeable in the art) he was in fact the insincere one and uncomfortable around women. Especially successful women who took no shit. I took a year out and when I returned, I kept my distance and trained much less as I realised that I had been completely sucked into a toxic club culture. I started out like you being at every event, working hard to integrate because I loved the sport and really respected everyone's ability and wanted to be really good myself, maybe fight some, but ultimately the problem was his. I wish now that I had spent more time just pushing through and investing all my mental energy on the sport itself rather than on the club/coach dynamic but at the time felt it was dependent on having a good relationship with the coach. I'd really advise against talking about it with the other club members and asking their advice, I think you're focusing on this way too much (I get why though!) and I'd wait for him to pass another similar comment (he will) before you say something. Respond maturely at the right time. For now, think about what you would say in future and get good at the sport. Invest in relationships with the club members and just have the minimum conversations with him. Good luck.

Misogyny has many guises.

Quite often what people accuse you of is how they are behaving themselves.

OP,

There was absolutely NOTHING nice about his absolute character assassination to your face.

He clearly likes a male only dynamic and his prickish way of dealing with it is to be as nasty as possible with a nicey nicey manner.

I would definitely mention it to the other person you know that clearly females are NOT welcome, and how creepy the coach has been.

You can persevere if you wish but you clearly are not wanted.

That you didn't tell him politely to go fxxk off with his unasked for critique of your character is beyond me.

How about you take him aside and do a similar job on him, his personality, his insecurities, his dislike of women, and how really creepy he comes across?

He sounds awful.

I can't believe you think he is anything other that really horrible.

His behaviour is NOT normal.

Leave a review of the club that it clearly has no wish for female members and the coaches method of deterring them is to behave in a really CREEPY manner.

I wouldn't ask anyone else how you come across, and I wouldn't ask another man at the club anything. I'd ask one of the other women how they find him.

I am not sure he deserves the amount of respect you have for him. I wonder if you have put him a bit of a pedestal and this feedback could help you to realise he doesn't belong there?

I wouldn't bring this up with him again, it is likely he will see it as an opportunity for you to seek his validation, which you don't need. I understand as I would definitely want to discuss this situation further and seek closure but I honestly think it could end up making this situation worse because I don't think you will get what you're looking for.

It's easier said than done but it might be worth pulling back on the extra commitments and the emotions you are applying to this and allow the relationships to reset. Approach it in a way that allows you to be detached for a while - then you can have a bit of time to assess where you stand in these new relationships and to see who really deserves your respect and time. Focus on the enjoyment of the sport for a while (then you usually find the relationships get easier) - I hope that makes sense!

Sorry that your passion has been misinterpreted. Don't let it dampen your passion - but do let it help you to determine who deserves the benefit of it.

He’s a dick. You sound awesome. Don’t doubt yourself.

Three possibilities

1. he hates you / all women and wants them to fuck off out of his club but he knows that’s not politically corrected so he does it in this passive aggressive way
2. he is negging you so you end up desperate for his approval , so he has power over you, as he wants to use or abuse you
3. he wants female volunteers to wash the kit and make tea, not do something like organise a tournament that could be seem as important / prestigious

He is 100% not a nice guy in any shape or form. He is a man who misuses the power and position he has. You need to go elsewhere or find a way to stay and minimise your interaction with him.

This is good advice if you contine.

My first thought was that he feels threatened by you, as a confident and successful woman - he doesn't want you taking over his territory

@PussBilledDuckyPlait has very probably nailed it.

He does sound very insecure. And is totally projecting his own faults in this 'feedback'.

Volunteers generally can have all sorts of complicated motivation and many do struggle to allow other people to genuinely be helpful and carry the load.

He probably expects other people to avoid having to contribute. Seeing someone who is already being given less than their fair share of opportunities volunteer to help more could well be making him afraid that you have potential to be a better, more popular leader than he is already, even if you don't ever take the opportunity.

I'm sorry you are facing this. Up to you whether you allow it to kill your enthusiasm or use it to make you stronger, whether as part of their group or elsewhere.

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As one woman to another, I'd just be sure to never be alone with him and to make sure he was never between me and the door. Just sayin'

Yep - agree with this. He's telling you about himself.