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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to digest this feedback?

233 replies

pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 07:37

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

OP posts:
Rewis · 04/04/2023 12:34

I'd take a step back. You already volunteered to the tournament so just do what you're asked and don't offer your own ideas. Go see the games even in houare not playing but skip some of the social outings or stay for a short amount of time. Be more of a listener in outings and training while still pleasantly participating.

Getting involved with a new group is hard when they have an established dynamic. As a coach I'd never have the conversation he had and I'm a bit baffled on what it stemmed from. But my advice is to tone your personality down (which sucks) until you find where you fit.

Mamamess · 04/04/2023 12:39

viques · 04/04/2023 08:42

Where you went wrong OP was trying to get in on the act at a man’s high level. You should have started small, picking up other peoples kit that they have forgotten, tidying away equipment without being asked, making sure the lights were switched off in the changing room , clearing up empty plastic water bottles and putting them in the recycling gradually building up to making tea for everyone, bringing in home made cakes and snacks for people to share. That sort of thing, helpful woman work. In a few years time you could then have offered to do a bit of typing, email match lists etc………… and almost before you could say mysogynist pig you would be accepted by the big chaps. Too late now, you have earned the pushy woman label and will be viewed with suspicion for ever more.

👌🏻

Whywaistedwyonna · 04/04/2023 12:41

I've never in my whole life felt unwelcome/unliked. It's completely at odds with everything I've known about myself for 40 years, so now I'm questioning everything!

wow you’re lucky! You clearly have very high self esteem and that’s great, but maybe it comes across a bit too forceful…

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 12:45

It's him.

He clearly can't cope with a strong, capable independent woman who can hold her own in a male dominated field/sport. Many men can't I'm afraid.

Amabitnewhere · 04/04/2023 12:45

Standbyguest · 04/04/2023 07:57

He sounds very insecure. Most normal people would recognise that if someone is new to a group that they might put on the niceties for a bit until they feel more at home, and they wouldn't pull that person up on it. What he did was strange and it sounds like he's threatened by your confidence.

This, 100 times!

DeflatedAgain · 04/04/2023 12:47

It's not you, it's his issue.

Dobby123456 · 04/04/2023 12:53

MistyMountainTop · 04/04/2023 12:26

Ignoring the words that he said to you, I've been involved with a few sports based groups and have frequently had fairly new members volunteer for admin type tasks. Almost 100% of the enthusiastic new members have let us down, gone from being the life & soul of the group to vanishing almost overnight - fair enough, they might well have good reasons but it's left me/us in the shit. I only now want volunteers from people who have put in the years with us!

I once had a bad experience where I was part of a local group and volunteered for everything. My enthusiasm was met by a number of the team with suspicion. It's difficult not to take it personally, but I guessed at the time that it was something like this - past experience. It was a pity they didn't bother actually finding out why I was so enthusiastic, because the reason was that I had had a temporary full time post in a similar type of organisation, had moved house after taking a different job, and wanted to offer my experience for free to this group. But they didn't bother to ask anything about my background or experience - their loss!

I wonder is something like this going on with OP?

Conkersinautumn · 04/04/2023 12:55

Extrovert and driven people do often read as sucking up or carrying favour. If you were thinking about what you were saying on top of that he picked up on your unease, which I guess he read as not the real you, which it wasn't as you were self censoring

LadyLapsang · 04/04/2023 12:55

I wonder if part of the issue is the social side. You mention the women don’t tend to participate in the social side. Mumsnet has lots of female posters who appear to have a different stance on their male partner socialising with women, whether at professional, sporting or just social events. Maybe someone is having problems being ‘allowed’ to attend if you are there.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 04/04/2023 12:56

ALLIS0N · 04/04/2023 11:03

Three possibilities

  1. he hates you / all women and wants them to fuck off out of his club but he knows that’s not politically corrected so he does it in this passive aggressive way
  2. he is negging you so you end up desperate for his approval , so he has power over you, as he wants to use or abuse you
  3. he wants female volunteers to wash the kit and make tea, not do something like organise a tournament that could be seem as important / prestigious

He is 100% not a nice guy in any shape or form. He is a man who misuses the power and position he has. You need to go elsewhere or find a way to stay and minimise your interaction with him.

All of this. My guess is 1 but it could be any, or a combination of all three.

He probably thinks a good combo of putting you down and not selecting you as much as the others will result in you leaving or not being as involved as you'd like, therefore leaving the old boys social club for the all-important penis folk.

What a twat.

Catspyjamas17 · 04/04/2023 13:07

Just ignore him and carry on as you are. Not everyone will like you in life and that's ok. His issue not yours.

Catspyjamas17 · 04/04/2023 13:09

Whywaistedwyonna · 04/04/2023 12:41

I've never in my whole life felt unwelcome/unliked. It's completely at odds with everything I've known about myself for 40 years, so now I'm questioning everything!

wow you’re lucky! You clearly have very high self esteem and that’s great, but maybe it comes across a bit too forceful…

So what if she did come across that way? It takes all sorts. We don't have to all have identikit personalities.

IndianaJoanna · 04/04/2023 13:16

OhMerde · 04/04/2023 07:47

Blimey, that's really brutal of him and quite unnecessary actually. There's nothing you can do to work on yourself with feedback like that. He should have said nothing and just kept a watching eye if he thought it. It's personal and spiteful. I wouldn't go back to him tbh. If you want to continue there, just crack on with being you. Just focus on the sport. I wouldn't respect him too much now either after calling you a fake.

Totally agree with this.

Thisgirlcan21 · 04/04/2023 13:23

I’m thinking this may be his issue not yours. You have every right to go back to him now you have processed. I wonder if this is why there isn’t many women attending? Maybe the other women have had a similar experience?

Imnoexpert · 04/04/2023 13:28

This sounds like his problem. He sounds like a knob!

Discwriter · 04/04/2023 13:34

This sounds like touch rugby shite. Our club only wanted the men to stay and gave drinks after games, but then made a big song and dance about being inclusive. Ugh. Good luck OP.

starfishmummy · 04/04/2023 13:35

I can also see that view point. It all seems a bit much to join a new group and then be offering to run a tournament so early on.

The OP says offered to "help" not to do it single handedly.

And if this is anything like clubs I'm in, we welcome offers of help from any member, new or otherwise, because most of the rest of us have been doing the organising for years and want to have a break!

Lozois99 · 04/04/2023 13:40

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 04/04/2023 07:43

My first thought was that he feels threatened by you, as a confident and successful woman - he doesn't want you taking over his territory. I don't think you should attach too much to his feedback - this is one person, compared to many others who have said you are down to earth and relatable. His comment, based on hardly knowing you, doesn't deserve revisiting with a fuller response.

If you enjoy the club and it's a good opportunity to play the sport, just go there to participate - it's his loss if he doesn't want to make use of your offer to organise events.

It's this. It's his issue. Prick

Mummysalwaysright · 04/04/2023 13:44

You describe yourself as very extroverted - this can sometimes come across as "annoying" when meeting new people. He probably just wants you to back off a bit, instead of turning up for everything and trying to take over organising things for them

Truckinghell · 04/04/2023 13:57

He sounds a real dick.

Minierme · 04/04/2023 13:59

This is a him problem. I think you have two options

  1. be yourself and if he mentions again and him to reflect on why he is interpreting things that way and whether his problem is he doesn’t feel comfortable for some reason. Be kind but make clear you are helping him with an issue he has. It’s absolutely not your problem. Danger with this is getting pissed off and seeming/being passive agressive.
  2. walk away and find a new hobby where you can be yourself.
whathaveidonetomydc · 04/04/2023 14:02

I think you have rocked his power/authority boat. Volunteering to organize a tournament as a newbie is quite bold, in the sense that you must be very self confident and I'd assume he feels threatened by your 'muscling in' capabilities.
He doesn't sound pleasant at all.

Stravaig · 04/04/2023 14:05

That sounds like nuclear level negging. It's a power play.

Look at what he has achieved. He has totally knocked your confidence, your spontaneity in being yourself, and your ability to participate without worrying about his approval.

I suspect he is abusive in many areas of his life, and it's all the more sinister for being so seemingly 'reasonable' and 'concerned' and 'respectful'.

Stravaig · 04/04/2023 14:15

Send him, no, the whole club, a link to this thread. Let some cleansing sunlight in. The 21st century too.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2023 14:29

I don't think you've done anything wrong. But looking for a reason for this conversation. Maybe he feels that you turning up to every game even when you're not playing us a bit pushy for a new person. He doesn't want you helping him to organise a tpurnament. He is in charge and intends it to stay that way. I agree he feels threatened.

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