To not know how to digest this feedback?

[pleasepleasemee]

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

Don't give the guy the headspace. Continue being you, he's a disrespectful d**k. Who goes around telling people they're not authentic. I certainly wouldn't respect him, you're being far too nice. Do not take on his 'feedback' . Angry on your behalf

he felt uncomfortable around me because he felt I wasn't authentic around him and was just trying to say what he wanted to hear so that he gave me opportunities to play

Break this down. He is telling you that you are an aggressor and he is your victim. He’s putting you in your place, or rather a place where he wants you to be. And, because it was a ‘respectful’ discussion, you are left flummoxed by the accusation and unable to reply to such a shocking message. This was deliberate on his part. He knows how to manipulate people without any comeback.

I think he’s enjoying the supposed power of his coach position. Don’t be fooled by the delivery of the message. Focus on the content.

I think l the phrase lm.looking for is Cock Womble

So weird of him to talk to you like that. Can you drastically reduce contact with him to nothing or the absolute bare necessity? Good luck.

Is it golf??

I would just take it as he finds you a bit annoying. You do sound like you've gone in all guns blazing very keen and eager to please. Fine to be enthusiastic but turning up at games when you aren't playing and helping with games you also haven't been asked to play in sounds way too much.

We are encouraged, repeatedly (by him) to do both those things. Lots of the guys do it. I'm the only woman who does (mostly).

I would also likely have left and never returned. His comments were disrespectful and unnecessary.

In your place, if I didn't stop participating, I think I'd just pretend the conversation had never happened and continue to be myself. He made an incorrect assessment of you. He was in error, and there's no need for you to alter your behaviour because of his mistake and arrogant decision to accuse you of inauthenticity.

Are your other social circles rather mixed, more female or more male, I’m writing this but thinking the answer is actually probably not relevant.

Putting aside for a moment that you are a female and all others are male. How are all the other relatively new people who also attend all the matches as you, all the social event’s etc? What are their personalities?

You say you change the dynamic. Again, try to forget the gender for a moment, looking in detail at the interactions, behaviour, conversations, is yours pretty much the same as many of the other people?

I read a book once, it was talking about racism, discrimination, to be honest, can’t remember the detail. The suggestion was if there are certain dynamics in a larger group, and if someone from a completely different culture comes in there is a logic in that the new person might need to assimilate to the larger group. It’s not feasible that the whole group will assimilate to the one individual. It’s not necessarily discriminatory, misogynistic, racist etc…

You pointed out a few times that you are the only female, you change dynamics potentially, you are very extroverted, confident, successful. Again, forgetting for a moment the genders, what is the dynamic in the group and does your individual behaviour differ relatively largely from everyone else’s behaviour (personality wise, there not necessarily being right or wrong, more how it fits with the group)

Ah, he wants volunteers how will do things how he wants it, not have opinions or suggestions that he can't control.
If u want to continue playing and there's no other local option, I'd back off and stick to playing regular games for now, don't do the after match socialising but stay friendly with others who don't mix with this guy.

Just try to avoid him basically for now.

Hmmm.

this stood out for me in your post I took it at face value initially but now I'm reflecting on everything. I am the only woman showing up to every single event, watching every match, going all the social stuff and getting to know as many people as possible

you sound intense and a mismatch for the current club culture.

I don’t disagree that maybe the coach is threatened by you or it is sexist behaviour.

my sons sports club has a number of parent helpers. A new parent joined with their son. And was at every match and bending the ear of the coach and got there early to help and stayed late to help and texted these longer super enthusiastic texts. For example- coach with say “Game this Saturday at 11, who can make it?” And most of responses are juts their child’s name and maybe a thumbs up or down emoji. The new parent will write a few sentences about why they can or cannot attend. It is juts so intense and reads it as annoying. Relationships take a bit of time and the coach found the person to be a real try hard. They didn’t and don’t fit the culture. The culture is more relaxed and organic and the belonging happens but at a different and more relaxed way.

from you’re descriptions you sound like a Tigger and he’s much more of an Eyore. You clash.

@UhLaLa - to be honest I've never really thought about it until this conversation with hun.

I was only speculating re changing the dynamic. It wasn't something I've been aware of before.

It's a group of men, some of whom have known each other a decade. A whole mix of personalities but importantly, they all know each other well.

I'm both a woman and new to the group. So I think inherently it can't be exactly the same as if I wasn't around.

I can (and do?) adapt to some extent. I don't join in with 'inside jokes' or banter, because I don't know everyone well enough yet. But I do chat to everyone a lot. But I'm just speculating that my presence maybe changes things?

Somewhat separately, I'm naturally just a really effusive and enthusiastic person and I think that he/they have misconstrued it as fake, or maybe just simply find it annoying?

I hadn't really been conscious of it until this conversation with him.

The best bit of advice I’ve ever heard about feedback is treat it as a note someone has given you. Reflect on who is giving it, why, what their motivation might be and then decide to keep it and act on it if it serves you or let it flutter away if it doesn’t. For what it is worth, you sound lovely and he sounds like he could do with not uttering every thought that enters his head!

I'm still wondering about the tournament. Such things usually need an army of helpers, not a committee of two. What do the rest of them think of the coach refusing an extra pair of hands?
But be careful of insisting too much that you be included - that's a sure fire way to be given the rubbish jobs that nobody else wants!

I think that you need to get some of the other females on board, get them turning up to socials. If they start complaining about everyone's personality then you know it's just sexism.

If he welcomes other new male members’ contributions, gives them more opportunities than OP, & responds to their texts (& not OP’s) whatever his reasons are he is blocking you.

What are the reasons why new members don’t go away to the tournaments which require overnight stays & what is the setup there? Ie do people stay in accommodation themselves like a premier inn or are they hosted at some sporting facility? Do people share rooms? Is it true all newbies don’t go to these or has he said that just to deter you?
Are these essentially a reason for a group of men established over 10yrs to go away on a jolly/piss up/social gathering & who doesn’t want you to see what they get up to or that if you went it would be difficult because of what they do socially when there? Or is it a committed sporting event with no down time & all about the sport?

You said at some socials the wives & partners sometimes go. Are you single? It shouldn’t matter but there is always a dynamic change if there’s a) a sole woman in a group of men & b) a single woman in a group of predominantly attached men.
Is there much difference in age, class, race, culture? All of these things obvs affect dynamics. Is he trying to preserve an all male group & just refusing you access?

If so why the hell does he keep inviting & putting out requests for volunteers?

Maybe someone with some insider info can help? Is it about personality that he’ll only welcome people on a similar wavelength who he’ll know will get on with the group?? It does sound like a boys club & not something I could be dealing with tbh. Clearly the social opportunities are limited by this & for whatever reasons he does t want you into the inner circle.

Obvs that takes time generally but he’s a complete negging weirdo to have attacked your personality to justify it. I’d want to leave personally!

Ps why can’t you say what the sport is?! Wld it be that outing??

Sounds like you have triggered something in him or you intimidate him in some way . It’s not you , I’m unsure what you being ‘ authentic ‘ has to do with helping out at a sport ? Surely all the participants aren’t of the same personality type and 100% themselves ?

Don't overthink it and don't respond or follow up. He's just another dickhead.

Just because someone wants to give you feedback, doesn't mean you have to take it. Maybe give him some back?

There’s not many women.
I wonder what he’s said to the others to keep them away

Some times a new person to a group/ club sport can come across as over enthusiastic and full on without meaning to. If the team is long established, it can be hard to become part of it where people automatically perceive a new person as belonging.
Volunteering to help at the tournament must have triggered him to how he was already was perceiving you.
I have been part of a team a long time and some team members much longer than me. New people are welcomed but it does take time for people to establish themselves as part of the team.
We had 1 guy turn up and immediately was full on and he did did rub some members up the wrong way with becoming over involved. He was a nice person, just very enthusiastic. It probably would have helped if someone had a chat with him early on.
Stay doing your sport and the coach will hopefully see the positivity you will bring to the team & club.

pleasepleasemee I'm really sorry you've met one of these carefully concealed evil people.

You have reacted absolutely normally. You have believed him.
However, you should not have believed him. You should ignore anything he says about you. Do not even discuss it with him.

He might think he is right, but for some reason he has construed your positive attitude this way. It is his personality that is abnormal and nothing to do with you. Maybe he is a covert misogynist, I don't know, but covert narcissist is more likely. I have met, through my profession (now retired), many people like him who decide they 'know' someone and can 'read' all that person's actions accurately. They always 'read' negative traits in people. They never get it right. You could say some may be on the Autistic Spectrum, but in my experience AS people are not like this. The ones I worked with were just narcissists who liked power, liked tormenting people and making them miserable, and of course thought they themselves were always right, always perfect and above everybody. They torment people and disguise it as being helpful.

He likes power of this I am sure.

You really need to realise that this is not a good man. Stop believing him. Indeed stop giving him space in your head. Don't interact with him, just strictly on a 'need to' pragmatic basis. You told us how so many people you know see you. Well, is the majority wrong and he right? I don't think so! Especially as many others know you better and over a longer time. I noticed he picked on you the moment you volunteered, but you had not been able to volunteer on other things. He was waiting to trap you. I don't know why. I can guess, from experience, but I think you have been very unlucky to meet him. You will not be the first or last woman he has abused this way.

You will not change him and honestly I think he will use his position to make your time there miserable. You can try just carrying on and avoiding him as much as you can. I can't see it changing while he is the coach. I think he is actually a bully.

Your choice is to carry on and avoid him, only acknowledging anything he needs to say as a Coach, and never be alone with him. Or you could leave and that is a shame as it's not your fault. This is bullying. Do not think of it any other way. I am so sorry. Try and ignore him as far as is practical.

By the way, of the group he helped out who thanked him and he responded but not to you, were you the only woman?

As I tend to write a lot - it's a result of my profession and writing reports, research etc. - I just had to quote Cherryblossoms85 because I do so much admire her succinct and so accurate advice.
Please take it. She is absolutely right!

@Ellyess Why thank you!

But what would/should the chat with your new member have been, that wasn't just attacking him for being a particular personality type?