To not know how to digest this feedback?

[pleasepleasemee]

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

Don't give it a second more thought. This is his issue not yours. You're there for the sport and for your own development, not to win the affections of this miserable twat.

OK it's shit he attacked your character but you need to tell yourself a breezy "whatever!" or "fuck it!" - you cant be liked by everyone, just get on with your game/ training/ volunteering.

He could be toxic, it's hard to know.

If he's made a genuine error it's better to just move on. It might be that you look back and laugh in a few years. I think it would take that long.

Nothing you can do but forget it.

there's no way in hell that he would have called you "inauthentic" if you were a new male member of the team. Absolutely no way. in fact, i doubt he would have had this conversation with you if you were male.

he's negging you, regardless of how respectfully he's coming across. he's making you doubt yourself, for no reason. yes you may be coming across as keen, but this feedback really wasn't necessary, kind or, dare i say it, authentic.

put it out your mind, don't second guess, and ultimately just leave him to it. focus on improving your play, not changing your personality.

He sounds unprofessional and full of himself. How is he supposed to know if you are inauthentic or not? He doesn’t know you. And not replying to you when he replies to others is just plain rude.

Twisted AF! Assassinating your character dressed up as helpful “feedback” - keep well clear of him if I were you OP. Wouldn’t want to help him either. As for the all male dynamics - maybe there’s a reason why no other women stick around for the social bit. I’d go & do the sport bit & give any negging men a wide birth. Vile. Would really wrong foot me too. Good luck!

The next time he asks for volunteers, put you hand up and say "I'm volunteering here to help you out, but if you don't think you can use help, you need to stop asking for volunteers."

Or go all Hunger Games on his ass and say "I volunteer as Tribute!"

How bizarre. Turning up to the old boys club after event drinks has ruffled some feathers I imagine.

Even if you're like the child who puts their hand up to answer every question the teacher poses the teacher wouldn't usually want to squash your spirit.

This has red flags on it for me. He is negging you, trying to put you on the back foot. Even some gaslighting going on. The question is why?

If this was a relationship 100% of the responses would have been LTB.

But this would mean you could not do your hobby - so fuck that.

So how to deal with it?

Not how to digest the feedback....fuck that...that is his problem not yours.

How old is he? How old are you?
Is he the only coach or is there an assistant?
What is the set up? Can you basically just politely grey rock him and focus your learning/improvement elsewhere?

He wasn’t being kind - he really did not need to bring this up. Who cares if he thinks you’re inauthentic - he can keep it to himself surely? He’s not your boss, this isn’t work, there isn’t anything on the line.

He’s trying to put you in your place, don’t let him.

Anyone who tells you you are “unauthentic” is a wanker.
Having said that you sound very confident, which is not a criticism at all I am too but a lot of people (men) don’t like it. Also it can come across as arrogant or pushy.
I like the sound of you OP but you won’t be everyone’s cuppa

I am guessing that this comment was "fed" back to him by another member and he has been embarrassed by it. Speak with him directly, and try as hard as you can to be yourself. you do NOT have to explain if you don't want to. If it were me, I would rather have my say, and then you have both had the chance to air your views.

I hope my saying this doesn't make you feel worse OP but if this happened to me I'd be overthinking the fuck out of it!

I can somewhat relate to your situation, in that I also do a predominantly male sport, have a male instructor and have the utmost respect for him. I'd be devastated if he pulled me aside to say what yours said to you. When you respect someone you definitely don't want them to dislike you in return.

Yes, I have to admit that’s how I saw it too. The op has good intentions but others, who possibly aren’t as gregarious and confident as she, are likely to see it as trying to take over or ingratiate herself.

Hmmmm. Big man in his small pool sees a new member who has leadership potential and is so nice that everyone likes her - and she is a woman, shock horror. He feels threatened and therefore decides to take her down a peg or two.

He is a dick, and not actually worthy of much respect, OP. I’ll bet there have been all kinds of internecine wars between the members and Clive has won the top spot through the force of his personality, and lack of any inhibitions about putting people in their place, i.e. everyone is too afraid of losing favour, and therefore access to matches, not to concede to him. Watch the dynamics for a bit longer and see if I’m right.

Carry on being your authentic self 😁 and hope he gets an injury which means he has to give up. I’d bet cash money on your being proposed as a leader if the opportunity arose.

But so what? So what if a new member was putting in extra effort or being too ‘try hard’. I don’t see why that’s a problem. Surely when people start new jobs they do exactly the same thing? It’s normal and natural to put forward your best self in a new environment.

He had to say that to you? Why? Why didn’t he just adjust and move out of the way if he didn’t feel comfortable around you. Or keep conversations short. Why say it?

I suspect he wanted to knock your confidence and enthusiasm down. He wants to be inside your head. And now he is. Don’t give it a second thought - btw the guy sounds like a manipulative arsehat, and you sound absolutely lovely.

On reflection, I do wonder if it was about my volunteering to help with the tournament.

It usually involves travelling for a weekend somewhere, and the newbies wouldn't usually go.

His requests for volunteers are informal (like he's asked before for people to step up with anything they can help with), so I offered this.

But given I wouldn't have been going to the tournament otherwise, I wonder if he felt I was trying to muscle my way in, and my presence would be unwelcome.

Although, if that were the case, he should've said no!

I've never in my whole life felt unwelcome/unliked. It's completely at odds with everything I've known about myself for 40 years, so now I'm questioning everything!

I am wondering about asking another guy on the team that I'm closer with, to be transparent about how I'm perceived a

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Coach strikes me as a real dickhead. Who the hell sits down with a keen new volunteer and tells them they're "unauthentic" and trying to suck up to get more chances to play? Surely anyone with any skills in people management lets the volunteer settle in before making any sort of judgments? If he didn't want you helping, surely all he needed to do was to say something to the effect that he really wanted someone with more experience?

It's a shame, because in your shoes I would have lost a lot of respect for him. Is he a volunteer coach or paid? I'd be tempted to get myself onto the management committee and start doing something about cutting down the amount of power he has.

As other posters have said, he just doesn't like you. This is a bit of a pity as you clearly like him as a coach and wanted to be part of the team like everyone else. However, it doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to change his opinion. All you've done differently from anybody else is turn up to games you're not playing in - which is what he's encouraged people to do!

Like other posters have said, what is it about him that you respect? Good team leaders don't let their personal dislikes and favourites get in the way of working well with people.

Who died and made him King of the World?
How DARE he criticise your personality - WAY out of line.

But it’s a volunteer thing and you volunteered. What’s wrong with that? So he didn’t want you there he could have said we have enough people. What’s with the inauthentic comment. Sounds calculated, like there’s a clique there already.

There would be merit in asking others how you come across. I am interpreting what OP said to be "over enthusiastic." that might mean controlling & intense in someone else's eyes. I understand why OP is being deliberately vague, so vague that I am probably misunderstanding what the coach said. I also suspect something is unsaid here, which could be many things, eg. "I need to encourage others to get involved for their own good and not always have the same people volunteering. Other are discouraged or encouraged to be lazy, maybe because they feel suffocated by your strong personality" or whatever coach's thoughts are.

Maybe coach is getting feedback that OP is getting > fair share of play opportunities when others don't have spare time like OP to donate, & coach wants to create space for others to see that coach is being fair minded. A version of "Members of the PTA get all the nice treatment at the primary school" complaint. And "The coach's kid always gets picked for the football match even though that kid is useless on the pitch" etc.

Nothing much to add other than I agree he sounds like a dick and it's not you OP - but I am agog at someone in a sporting organisation being so awash with volunteers that they can be so rude to those who do step up!
People who want to get involved and are generous with their time are the lifeblood of sports (and other) clubs and it's a sign of his bellendedness that he hasn't snapped up your offer of help. Dick.