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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to digest this feedback?

233 replies

pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 07:37

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

OP posts:
Nailsandthesea · 04/04/2023 11:11

I would say
‘I’ve reflected on what you said - as I always try to take on board comments from other people. But you asked for volunteers I did so - you made an inaccurate statement regarding my intentions and I want to clarify I am keen and I want to learn more. That’s why I’m volunteering. That’s the sole reason. If you don’t want me to help, tell me. Women are underrepresented here.’ Leave it as a fact.
just state it

2023usernameNew · 04/04/2023 11:14

Why would an experience coach feel threatened by someone new to the sport?

there’a no chance in hell the OP would be able to take over his position or be able to undermine him.

or am I reading it wrong? What do people think he feel threatened by?

Wheresthebeach · 04/04/2023 11:16

I think it's the 'boys' atmosphere that's threatened. Women are welcome when invited only. They can't say no women, but they can make them feel unwelcome all under the guise of 'feedback'.

WonderingWanda · 04/04/2023 11:17

He sounds like a twat. What's wrong with being polite and trying to create a good impression on people. Even if you were being helpful to try and get picked more why would that matter? He's a grown up and can not pick you.

Original poster
pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 11:21

2023usernameNew · 04/04/2023 11:14

Why would an experience coach feel threatened by someone new to the sport?

there’a no chance in hell the OP would be able to take over his position or be able to undermine him.

or am I reading it wrong? What do people think he feel threatened by?

Agree. He doesn't feel threatened by me. Maybe he doesn't necessarily like my personality and having me around makes him less comfortable though.

OP posts:
80s · 04/04/2023 11:45

You're sure he doesn't like you? It's not that he doesn't know how to interact with a woman and is afraid he'll be accused of fancying you (/afraid of fancying you) or that people will think he's being nicer to you because of your gender for some other reason - so he's trying to go in the other direction and being especially gruff/giving you fewer opportunities?

winelove · 04/04/2023 11:50

Just smile and go about things exactly the same way.
Volunteer when you want to and go ahead to the matches where you don't play.
You are naturally lively and outgoing don't change.
Just smile and say this is my authentic self!

Cherry2010 · 04/04/2023 11:55

He doesn’t know you. What gives him the right to give you “feedback” on your personality? You’re giving him way too much importance.

Smineusername · 04/04/2023 11:56

The fact that he felt empowered to give you that sort of highly personal, unsolicited feedback shows that he sees himself as having a great deal of power and authority, and he wants you to feel as if you have none. It is a deliberate and intentional effort to make you feel small.

It is a neg, it is out of order, he is a cunt of the highest order and quite a dangerous manipulative individual.

My guess he fancies you, he resents your natural confidence and he wants to live rent free in your head. The really really upsetting part is that now he does.

I'm very angry on your behalf.

I would try to align yourself with other powerful figures at the club and be very very wary of this man going forward. He is not your friend and doesn't mean you well.

Isheabastard · 04/04/2023 11:58

Trying to be generous to him, my thought is perhaps because there are so few women in the club, he has had dealings with men before, and has correctly or incorrectly decided that your type of ‘enthusiasm’ must be self centred.

I personally think men are more selfish and competitive, especially in sport.

But as other posters have said maybe he just feels threatened by you.

Often when someone accuses you of something, it’s the exact same thing they are doing.

So in fact he isn’t authentic at all.

AliceOlive · 04/04/2023 12:00

There’s something really wrong with him.

Bansheed · 04/04/2023 12:04

He is negging you.

There is a great African saying that is when you point a finger at someone, four fingers point back at you. He is basically accusing you of how he would behave if he wanted something.

You are not inauthentic he is. And he was bloody rude.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 04/04/2023 12:05

Negging.

Every time he says something 'helpful' to you in future, let them finish and then say 'oh I do hope you manage to find some happiness in your life' and walk off.

Its like pouring battery acid over them without the associated prison sentence. He'll soon stop.

W0tnow · 04/04/2023 12:09

That is the weirdest piece of feedback I’ve ever heard. You don’t even know each other very well. Has he even known you long enough to call you inauthentic?? it’s an insult designed to immediate put you on the defensive, all dressed up as ‘this is just my observation but…’

People have different personalities, sure. People rub each other up the wrong way and it’s just one of those things. Most of us rise above it. Some people have a personality whereby if they feel threatened by a someone, for whatever reason, they use their position, or their words to ‘wrong foot’ the newcomer. This is his insecurity talking, not your authenticity, or lack thereof.

Proceed with caution. If you like the hobby, ignore him as much as you can, don’t volunteer, make friends and enjoy yourself. Don’t let the prick put you off. It’s not you. It’s him.

ehb102 · 04/04/2023 12:09

I like the negging label. I read the OP and was all 🚩🚩🚩. How dare he decide he knows someone's intentions? It was all drama stirring, not mature coachly behaviour at all.

OP if you enjoy the sport get some distance between you and this coach.

OliveWah · 04/04/2023 12:12

I know a few people have already said it, but as soon as I read your OP, I thought "He's negging her!"

It's not you, it's definitely him.

W0tnow · 04/04/2023 12:16

2023usernameNew · 04/04/2023 11:14

Why would an experience coach feel threatened by someone new to the sport?

there’a no chance in hell the OP would be able to take over his position or be able to undermine him.

or am I reading it wrong? What do people think he feel threatened by?

A confident woman who clearly has the ability to quickly become well liked and respected can seem ‘uppity’ to some men. Sounds like he is one of those men. It has nothing to do with any fear of her usurping his experience or expertise.

so why would he want to put her in her place, so to speak? Well there is no good reason. But the reason will be to do with his shortcomings, not hers.

Original poster
pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 12:20

Isheabastard · 04/04/2023 11:58

Trying to be generous to him, my thought is perhaps because there are so few women in the club, he has had dealings with men before, and has correctly or incorrectly decided that your type of ‘enthusiasm’ must be self centred.

I personally think men are more selfish and competitive, especially in sport.

But as other posters have said maybe he just feels threatened by you.

Often when someone accuses you of something, it’s the exact same thing they are doing.

So in fact he isn’t authentic at all.

Your first statement here is what I wondered (and what I actually fed back to him).

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 04/04/2023 12:20

Although it could be negging, some people do just have OTT personalities that can take some adjustment. Not saying that is you though OP, I don’t know you!

TBH OP I think you’re right in asking a friend from the group, they know both of you and people on MN do not so are just jumping to their own conclusions.

EKGEMS · 04/04/2023 12:22

We can arm chair analyze this guy's words and motivation all day but let's cut to the chase-the problem lies with him and him alone! He requested volunteers then he had a volunteer and then criticized you in a very personal manner-who does that? Insecure and bitter people do that! Don't give him a second thought,OP he's not worth your energy

Agapornis · 04/04/2023 12:24

I also do a sport where I'm one of about 1-2% of women club members. I also have to deal with a coach who is misogynist. It took me about 6 months to figure out that it wasn't personal, he treats all women like this. Fortunately it's not a sport where you have to be picked to play. What I did/do is:

  1. Ask other women about their experiences with him, preferably in a private space like the changing room.
  2. Ask men who seem allies how they get on with him. Tell them about what the coach said, and ask whether they received any feedback.
  3. Make friends with other coaches. Ask them how they think you're doing and when you can expect to play. Tell them about what the shit coach said, and ask whether it is normal to give feedback like that.
  4. Volunteer for things that don't involve him.
  5. Grey rock - avoid, and ignore when shit coach is having a go again.

It can be shit being in an majority-male team BUT remember you're part of the team - make friends who will back you up.

purplecorkheart · 04/04/2023 12:24

Honestly, I think that the comment is more of a reflection of him rather than you. I wouldn't bother volunteering or texting him thanks. I would be polite but short with him

MistyMountainTop · 04/04/2023 12:26

Ignoring the words that he said to you, I've been involved with a few sports based groups and have frequently had fairly new members volunteer for admin type tasks. Almost 100% of the enthusiastic new members have let us down, gone from being the life & soul of the group to vanishing almost overnight - fair enough, they might well have good reasons but it's left me/us in the shit. I only now want volunteers from people who have put in the years with us!

DonttouchthatLarry · 04/04/2023 12:30

My club is always struggling for volunteers so keen newbies who want to help out or join the committee are welcomed with open arms! He sounds odd.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 04/04/2023 12:32

He didn't treat you with kindness and respect. He asked for volunteers to help and you volunteered. I run a small charity organisation and often appeal for volunteers. If someone new offers to help, I am extremely grateful and always thank them profusely. If I don't think their skills are suited to the task in hand (say, someone with no computer skills offers to sort the membership spreadsheets) I will still say how grateful I am, and try to find a job that they could help with more easily without putting them down in any way. Your coach's response was one big putdown and I'm sure, as other PPs have said, that it's all to do with misogyny and your persona as a confident outgoing woman. He sounds like an utter dick.

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