To not know how to digest this feedback?

[pleasepleasemee]

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

Cherryblossoms85 ·
My pleasure. I am 100% sincere as always.

I agree with this and also think that probably other members have said to the coach- can you have a word please as we are finding her too much.

I imagine whatever you'd / we'd say in that circumstance wouldn't be that the bloke was inauthentic or sucking up. Just that they were a bit full on and should hang back a bit in volunteering, let others have a go.

A chat that would have involving suggesting he maybe let people get to know him first. That he didn't need to feel he had to rush into helping.
Whether he should have been told how him being a bit of an eager beaver, was coming across, I don't know.
While some people saw him being a positive addition, others felt differently and didn't change their opinion as the guy continued on in the same style.
I don't know what sport you are doing but as mine involved men & women, I found the men would be more inclined to voice opinion / feedback and then move on.
So I can believe the coach didn't have any anti- women / ulterior reasons for giving you this feedback.

What cherry blossom said.

I think he knew this would throw you and you'd overthink it.

Don't know why but I can guess. Almost why doesn't matter: see it for what it is and find a way not to overthink people like this (I reckon this is not a first).

Any club where sport or say drama - pitching to be lead in a play etc a lot of people will do anything to be main person, on the team or main part of a play etc. people that run these groups are often put under a lot of pressure from people to get top billing. So I imagine he was just being wary for anyone offering to help (he or she have learnt in the past and now wary of anyone offering help).

for you it was a natural way to learn more and meet people, probably from your work if you want to learn you out the effort in.

its just a clash of ways to fit in, think nothing of it and carry on, I agree they may also feel threatened by you (unintentionally).

you would not believe how some adult people want power trips even say in a local running group or even a kids dance group etc.

This has made me cross.

It sounds like you're a strong, successful, confident woman and although I agree with you I don't think he's intimidated by you. I do think that sometimes men struggle with women that are like this. He's probably a nice guy and won't think of himself as misogynistic, but sometimes men struggle when they come across someone who acts like you have and they can interpret as loud, a bit much and maybe inauthentic! This is because it doesn't fit in with their stereotype of what a woman should be and act like.

If this is more of a male dominated sport and he is genuinely trying to encourage more women, he should be celebrating you, encouraging you to get more involved, invite more female friends. It's not always easy for women to join male dominated spaces and feel welcome.

Regardless of whether what I have said above is true or not. I get the impression he just doesn't like you. It's not always easy to hear that, especially if you've always been popular and never had issues like this before. It's absolutely his issue not yours and unfortunately no matter what we do in lifewe will always come across people, who for whatever reason we don't click or gel with.

You have a choice to either accept it and chose to forget it/ put it aside. Or you can go back to him with a more considered response like the one you've put on your post and explain to him how he's made you feel, but you run the risk of potentially making the situation worse/turning it into a bigger deal. Personally I'd be tempted for the second option, not because you have a chance to change his mind (as I think he's already made up his mind about you and once people do that it's generally hard to change/ convince them otherwise), but more for your own benefit as I would want to have my say and get my viewpoint across.

Regardless of what you chose to do, do not let this person affect your behaviour or take you away from a sport you enjoy. Keep being you and accept that you can't control what other people think.

This.