To not know how to digest this feedback?

[pleasepleasemee]

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

I must ask, has he given you any indication that he is interested in you? I have on occasion had weird comments like that, that was always followed by being hit on.

Well this is what I'm wondering.

He did ask for volunteers, though. Actually he asks a lot and it's the first time I've had the time to put my hand up.

His comments were absolutely about the things I say though (always trying to say the right thing, being overly nice etc), not so much my volunteering.

That said, it doesn't mean he's not thinking it.

He's also always encouraging new people to show up and watch matches they aren't participants in, and I'm one of the only people new to the game who actually does it. As a by-product of that, I always end up at the post-match social events which tend to just otherwise be the longer term participants (and predominantly men). So I'm worried my presence is making everyone uncomfortable and perhaps I'm changing the dynamic when I'm there.

I could be completely overthinking though!

I don’t think he was being kind and respectful. He’s attacking your personality, who you are. It’s pretty nasty to call someone inauthentic and accuse them of manipulating to play more. It’s him not you, and he may well feel uncomfortable around you but not because of you.
If he was right and it’s you, you would have noticed in other situations before now. My guess is that he feels threatened by confident women people and needs to put them down.

It’s not about you at all, it’s him who’s got an agenda.

The way he spoke to you was not normal or necessary.
this^
He could tell you that he preferred someone who had more experienced and you would happily forget about this the next day. He deliberately chose to put you down. I wouldn’t respect him anymore.
He probably wants to get all credits for everything or maybe there are some personal issues e.g he is interested in you and it’s his way of power play or someone else is interested in you and he doesn’t like it.
Could you mention that to someone in the group? Without details, more like along the lines : I wanted to help but he said no a bit strangely and said that he’s uncomfortable around me.
Does anyone else offer to help by the way?

Also, some people are so negative that they are suspicious of people who are genuinely open and nice, so they would see them as being “overly nice” and “trying to say the right thing” because they can’t see that some people just are nice. Again that’s a him problem not a you problem. I think it’s sad that he’s now got you doubting yourself.
If the issue is, as you suspect, that this is a bit of a boys club and they don’t really want some woman intruding, you won’t be able to do anything right. Don’t volunteer: she’s not participating and helping enough. Do volunteer: she’s too pushy.

Eek! Good luck handling this. You are doing very well. I would have cried and run away and never gone back. Or at the time told him he had got the wrong end of the stick.... and then run away and cried and never gone back! I just wouldn't have coped with feeling uncomfortable with the team, however much I enjoy the sport. That's just me though.

I'm fairly resilient and didn't give it much thought.

Today though, he'd helped a bunch of us out with something and everyone text him to say thank you.

I was the only one who didn't get a reply from him and now I feel dreadful!

While my thanks were no more or less profuse than anyone else's, now all I can think is "oh god he thinks I'm kissing arse again". It's a bit exhausting to have to think about this stuff! I should be able to say thank you without having to consider how it's perceived.

He sounds like a right knob.

What age is he?

Where you went wrong OP was trying to get in on the act at a man’s high level. You should have started small, picking up other peoples kit that they have forgotten, tidying away equipment without being asked, making sure the lights were switched off in the changing room , clearing up empty plastic water bottles and putting them in the recycling gradually building up to making tea for everyone, bringing in home made cakes and snacks for people to share. That sort of thing, helpful woman work. In a few years time you could then have offered to do a bit of typing, email match lists etc………… and almost before you could say mysogynist pig you would be accepted by the big chaps. Too late now, you have earned the pushy woman label and will be viewed with suspicion for ever more.

Op - in the nicest way, the guy doesn’t like you. It’s not you, it’s him - but there’s nothing you can do about it. From everything you have said I’m not sure why you respect him so much? What has he done to earn that? I think you may need to find another team as this won’t change. Although you say you’re resilient, do you need this negativity in your life? It would be easier for you to find somewhere else. Good luck.

I know you say you respect him, but honestly he sounds like a dick.

Well done for not quitting. I probably would have looked for another club. But you’re right to not back down. You do you and maybe minimise your interactions with him - NOT for his sake, but for yours as he’s purposefully made you feel awkward which is really unprofessional and, frankly, mean of him.

I agree with this poster. I can't believe how rude this man was: attacking your character. Surely in his position it is his job to get on with and be able to interact with any and everyone?
I'd have never gone back if someone had spoken to me like that.

Is there another club you could join where they might appreciate your enthusiasm and goodwill? You sound like you'd be a good asset to a club not run by this twit.

It's the only club in the area unfortunately. So I either leave the sport entirely so I have interact with him.

My first thought was that it is a simple clash of personalities - if you are very confident and he is naturally more reserved he may well find you a bit intense. I feel like he has told you to back off a bit. If the sexes were reversed here then I suspect no one would question a female coach who had told an eager male newbie to give her a bit of space. I am not usually one to stick up for men, but this is what shone out of your post for me.

@pleasepleasemee how do you know you were the only one that didn't get a reply text? Was this in a whatsapp group or something? His behaviour is making you overthink every interaction - I would try to mentally detach as much as you can, focus on the sport and your teammates, and interact with him only as much as you have to.

I’d have very kindly and authentically told him to fuck off.

Ugh, I'm angry on your behalf. This coach sounds deeply unprofessional and out of line. Pulling you up and making you feel uncomfortable for the crimes of being polite and enthusiastic? What a prick.

Be yourself but don't offer to help him for a good while.
At least until he understands you and knows you better.

His assessment is obviously not as wonderful as you first thought. Now you know him not to be perfect you will possibly not be as in awe of him and you might find the relationship more natural and less nerve-racking.

I can’t quite put my finger on what that comment was. But manipulative is the closest word I can think of. He’s definitely trying to wrong foot you op and he’s succeeded I think. It would wrong foot me too!

I agree with this.
Eagerness, especially more of it even if genuine, can come across as "trying to look like good and helpful person to get something out of it". Whether that's people liking the person, them getting away with things or them getting more matches/goods etc.
When I join new things I wait a while before being my heractive sorter and organiser. Most people I know who are like that do because otherwise it upsets the ecosystem and as someone who was the ecosystem few times, it's quite understandable.

I'd probably just stop doing anything other than the basics.

I'd pull him aside next time and say you have been reflecting on the earlier conversation. You are coming to watch and offering to assist so that you can learn more about your hobby. You are not expecting "preferential" treatment because of this, you are genuinely keen to improve your skills.

Goodness I go to horse jumping clinics and when I'm not riding I like to watch lessons. Instead of sitting on the side line I ask the instructors if they'd like a hand with the poles. Means they can focus more on the lesson and I get to hear things you don't hear from the sidelines.

He could have just politely declined your offer of help rather than resorting to a character assassination.

He asked for volunteers, you volunteered. He is one weird and rude man.

Go as you enjoy the sport, but fuck any future volunteering.

Wow! Nut job.