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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
Quveas · 03/04/2023 19:45

There is nothing to say a maid / matron of honor type role must be female. You could be creative and have all threw.

RancidOldHag · 03/04/2023 19:45

Brothers get the aisle and dad gets the dance sounds pretty fair to me.

Now. what are you going to do about speeches?

CornishGem1975 · 03/04/2023 19:46

Do what makes you happy.

growgrowinggrown · 03/04/2023 19:46

You sound like you have a beautiful relationship with your brothers despite the hardships.
This is your wedding, so you do things your way. You've said you're happy to accept the fall out with dad, but are your brothers? Would he be off with them if they went ahead with it?
If not, and your brothers are happy, then go ahead with it.
Hopefully you'll only do this once in life so best to get it right

HappyMe6 · 03/04/2023 19:46

If I was in your position it would be my brothers who I would want to walk me down to aisle. Others might think differently! Congrats op hope everything goes well for you.

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 19:50

For a start no man needs to give you away. Secondly I would just have one person to represent your family, rather than single out two of your siblings. I do understand the sacrifices your brothers made for you and it’s lovely you appreciate that. Thirdly at the end of the day your dad is your father. It sounds like he couldn’t cope when your mum died. It’s your wedding and of course do what you like, I can see it from both sides though especially a your relationship has been improving. Would you consider you doing a toast to your brothers at the reception and presenting them w a little gift like cufflinks or something?

Temporaryname158 · 03/04/2023 19:54

I would also choose your brothers. They both gave up a lot for you and stepped up. Where would you have been without them?

your dad is your dad but like you say disappeared for months on end. Without your brothers you could have been out in care.

options i can see are…

brothers walk down the isle, dad does first dance, all 3 do a speech

how long is the isle? Can your brothers walk half way and pass you to dad who delivers you to your fiancé?

can your maid of honour walk you down the isle and all men join the bridesmaids in following you down the isle?

PatchworkElmer · 03/04/2023 19:55

I’d have your brothers.

UndertheCedartree · 03/04/2023 19:57

It's your choice and your brothers should allow you to make that choice rather than not wanting to do it in case it causes an argument.

Sexnotgender · 03/04/2023 19:57

Choose your brothers. They chose you, they cared for you. Choose them.

JustCheck · 03/04/2023 19:58

Your brothers sound truly wonderful men. I would pick them ANY day

and as for speeches, brothers too. What is your dad going to say? He hasn’t been there for you. He hasn’t got the cute stories to tell. I don’t know how he’s got the audacity to be honest

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/04/2023 19:59

I'd uninvite from the entire thing. That would solve the issue once and for all.

Untitledsquatboulder · 03/04/2023 20:00

Your brothers walking you down the aisle and your dad doing a speech sounds quite fair to me. Presume he is going to give a speech?

Wtfisthis1 · 03/04/2023 20:01

I would walk down the aisle on my own if this was going to cause an issue and personally hate the daughter father dance thing, can’t think of anything worse but each to their own!

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 03/04/2023 20:02

Your dad sounds pretty useless. Do you really want him there at all?

UnsolicitedOpinions · 03/04/2023 20:05

Choose your brothers. Dance with them as well. If your Dad wants to ruin things then tell him he’s not invited.

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:06

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end

I'm presuming you mean your dad was working away to fund keeping a house running and financially providing for his 6 children after losing his wife.

I would think he did what he thought was best at a very difficult time.

I actually feel quite sorry for him and think what you’re doing must be really hurtful for him.

Broadbeachshallow · 03/04/2023 20:11

Uninvite Dad.

Harsh, but this is your wedding and, importantly, it is your partner's wedding. If anyone - including Dad - refuses to follow your wishes for their own narcissistic reasons, they should stay away.

Essentially, the Dad who left your brothers to raise you, now insists you should not hurt his feelings. So he's hurting yours. Family taking sides. Your wishes are being ignored.

Don't appease the narc.

Dogscanteatonions · 03/04/2023 20:15

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:06

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end

I'm presuming you mean your dad was working away to fund keeping a house running and financially providing for his 6 children after losing his wife.

I would think he did what he thought was best at a very difficult time.

I actually feel quite sorry for him and think what you’re doing must be really hurtful for him.

Fuck that shit. No dad when he's the only parent should disappear for months on end to leave older siblings raise the younger! Why on earth aren't you sorry for the poor kids??

MintJulia · 03/04/2023 20:17

Your wedding, your choice. Simple.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 03/04/2023 20:18

You're the one getting married, you decide what happens on the day.

There will probably always be someone moaning about something at any wedding.

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2023 20:19

Walk yourself down. Think of it as making an independent decision to be an equal partner with your husband to be, rather than being “given away” by one man to another man.

Also, don’t have a hierarchy of dances. That’s unnecessarily complicated.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2023 20:20

No one male needs to give you away or have permission asked. It's utterly ridiculous for your father to be fighting over this.

Caveat: are you expecting dad to pay for anything?

Bucketheadbucketbum · 03/04/2023 20:21

Sexnotgender · 03/04/2023 19:57

Choose your brothers. They chose you, they cared for you. Choose them.

This

AintNobodyHateMeBetter · 03/04/2023 20:22

Quveas · 03/04/2023 19:45

There is nothing to say a maid / matron of honor type role must be female. You could be creative and have all threw.

You what? Have you replied to the wrong thread?

Aside from that you can have Man of honour. I know quite a few weddings where they have had Best Woman (to the groom) or Man of honour (to the bride).