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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 19:36

BlueLavender1 · 04/04/2023 19:31

A PP said something similar and I really like the idea.

I am defo gonna 'make a big thing' out of his part so he shuts up about everything else. I feel like a horrible person just saying this as he is my dad, but I just feel like my brothers are the ones who raised me and thus deserve that role.

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It’s completely understandable. Sometimes you do yourself more of a favour by trying to keep someone inside even if you think they are being ridiculous, saves you hassle in the long run. ESPECIALLY when you have a difficult parent (I have one too OP!). Give him some kind of place just to keep him sweet

ClairDeLaLune · 04/04/2023 19:36

BlueLavender1 · 04/04/2023 19:26

He could have provided whilst still living in the same house and looking after his children.

Most of the many jobs he had during that time didn't have crazy hours or require him to be far away. He chose to be.

After my mum died he almost decided he 'didn't want kids'!

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I was in the brothers’ camp before this update but am now 1000% in it. How dare he abandon you for years then want to step in and take the glory now, and dictate your own wedding to you? The brass neck of the man. He probably only wants to do it because he’s concerned about what people would think if he’s excluded. But he doesn’t deserve to be part of it. Your brothers sound wonderful. Choose them!

ittakes2 · 04/04/2023 19:41

Do you have bridesmaids? Could your brothers walk in front like bridesmaids usually do?

Imaginemissmarple · 04/04/2023 20:06

Stick to your guns on having your brothers and find a part for your Dad like others suggested ie at ceremony, speeches.

When I got married, I had an issue where my mum wanted my step dad to give me away and I wanted my Dad, both sides were contributing to wedding but we were paying most. I ended up leaving house with my step dad in the wedding car, at the church I handed over and my dad walked me down aisle and did the speech. They all did the first dance…..

Peachy2005 · 04/04/2023 20:09

Maximum 2 speeches each side and as someone said, make sure they are after dinner!

FlyingFang · 04/04/2023 20:17

Walk down the aisle yourself, you're not a chattel to be handed over to your new owner.
If you're comfortable with that though, go with your brothers.

ThereIbledit · 04/04/2023 20:33

It's YOUR wedding.

ImAvingOops · 04/04/2023 20:37

Providing basic financial support is the very least a father should do. It's setting the parenting bar extremely low to think the dad needs special recognition for fulfilling this basic requirement!

The brothers also provided money for the household, despite this not being any of their responsibility!

carly2803 · 04/04/2023 20:49

your brothers gave up the best years of their lives to raise a family when your dad fucked off

so no, i woul dnot let him walk you down the isle. give that honor to your brothers.

at most, do the dance with your dad, nothing more

ChristinaXYZ · 04/04/2023 20:52

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:05

That's a great idea!

I suppose 2nd oldest b could walk in with me and pass me to oldest bro. Then oldest bro could walk me to dad and the 3 of us could walk the rest of the way together?

Does anyone think this sounds like an ok plan?

I am just so stuck but really want to include 2 brothers

Show quote history

Some variation on this baton scheme could be very sweet and involve your brothers and keep your Dad happy. I think it is a lovely idea. I wouldn't have too many speeches - unless the speech maker is exceptionally good at it they are not best part of the wedding! Don't forget you have signing the register as well as readings so there are lots of ways to include other people. You have two witnesses for the register - maybe some of your younger brothers? Or that, with a reading might be something else you could give to your Dad so your lovely brothers can walk you up the aisle?

Good luck OP for the wedding and for a very happy married life!

SnozPoz · 04/04/2023 21:22

I can see both sides. But maybe your wedding could be a time of hope and happiness for your family and you could forgive your dad for grieving his lost wife and let him give you away?
Alternatively have no one give you away? Walk down the aisle as an independent woman?
The opposite could also be true... have ALL your brothers AND father give you away... but that could he intimidating AF for your husband/wife to be!

OnlyNaj · 04/04/2023 21:27

I saw someone make 3 of them stand along the aisle like a relay race and walk a bit and pass the woman on untill they got to the top. That way everyone is involved and no one can complian. make the youngest start and your dad be at the top.

mozzierella · 04/04/2023 21:37

Walk down the aisle alone?

Why does a man have to give you away?

Teenagehorrorbag · 04/04/2023 23:17

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 23:08

Far too many speeches. I’m not sure, just due to your age, how many weddings you’ve been to, but no one wants to listen to your father in law, your husband, the best man, your matron of honour, your two older brothers and then three more brothers give a speech. If you are intent on excluding your father, which I do think is a mistake and something very difficult for him to get over, have one brother walk you up the aisle and the other give a speech. Oh and another practical tip, please do the speeches after dinner or as desert is being served, not before! Your guests will only be thinking of their bellies if you have 45 mins of speeches before they eat!

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This! We had a funny speech from the best man, a slightly more sentimental but still funny speech from my Dad, and a short jokey one from my MOH. Then a very short and traditional one from DH. Or maybe in different orders, I forget. But absolutely - after the meal! And even the best man's shouldn't be more than 5 or at the most, ten minutes long!

I think the saying is - stand up, speak up, then shut up. But a max of three or four people speaking would be usual. FILs don't normally speak, or brothers (although of course your situation is slightly different). But 8 or 9 would definitely be overkill!

However you work things, I hope you have an amazing day Flowers!

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 05/04/2023 01:00

Teenagehorrorbag · 04/04/2023 23:17

This! We had a funny speech from the best man, a slightly more sentimental but still funny speech from my Dad, and a short jokey one from my MOH. Then a very short and traditional one from DH. Or maybe in different orders, I forget. But absolutely - after the meal! And even the best man's shouldn't be more than 5 or at the most, ten minutes long!

I think the saying is - stand up, speak up, then shut up. But a max of three or four people speaking would be usual. FILs don't normally speak, or brothers (although of course your situation is slightly different). But 8 or 9 would definitely be overkill!

However you work things, I hope you have an amazing day Flowers!

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I think we have finally whittled down the speeches.

(approx timings)
MoH doing a short speech (2min)
Best man doing a short speech (2min)
DP doing a speech (5-6min)
5 brothers combined doing a speech (5-6min)

Does this seem reasonable?

Also for everyone who is going to start yelling at me to be an independent women, I do NOT want to do a speech and would love for my brothers to do one. But that's my preference, if you want to do one, go for it!!

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 01:02

BlueLavender1 · 05/04/2023 01:00

I think we have finally whittled down the speeches.

(approx timings)
MoH doing a short speech (2min)
Best man doing a short speech (2min)
DP doing a speech (5-6min)
5 brothers combined doing a speech (5-6min)

Does this seem reasonable?

Also for everyone who is going to start yelling at me to be an independent women, I do NOT want to do a speech and would love for my brothers to do one. But that's my preference, if you want to do one, go for it!!

Show quote history

Seems fine but do not have five brothers doing a speech, it won’t work.

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 05/04/2023 01:02

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 01:02

Seems fine but do not have five brothers doing a speech, it won’t work.

Show quote history

Why do you think it won't work?

Would it be better splitting into 2, each doing 4 or so minutes?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 01:12

BlueLavender1 · 05/04/2023 01:02

Why do you think it won't work?

Would it be better splitting into 2, each doing 4 or so minutes?

Show quote history

Just have one brother give a speech. Otherwise it will be like a school assembly. I’ve seen a couple of joint speeches and they were painful. Even if someone is funny in real life it’s hard to deliver a funny speech and even harder when it’s an emotional day. I just think it will look a bit silly, how long are they going to talk for? One minute each? No it won’t look good. Just make the brothers not in the wedding ushers. Not everyone wants a starring role tbh

T1Dmama · 05/04/2023 02:30

You have awesome big brothers!
I think your dad should respect your wishes.. It is after all YOUR wedding! NOT HIS!
if your brothers step down I would stand my ground and walk myself down the isle!!

I guess an obvious question is also, who is paying for the wedding?… if your dad is footing the bill then that’s a tough one, but if you’re paying then your dad needs to keep his sulk to himself!

T1Dmama · 05/04/2023 02:36

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 22:39

My dad worked probably 15 minutes away from where we lived (thank god the mortgage was fully paid before my mum passed), and for months he would live 10 minutes away from the house just because he couldn't be bothered to deal with us kids / see us / or whatever his reasons where.

But he wasn't the best employee and sometimes didn't show up so had multiple different jobs, but to be fair to him did give roughly 50% of his pay each month to my brothers for us until I turned 20.

I think at times he was depressed, and also had a drink problem at times as well, but that's not an excuse to pretty much abandon your 18, 16, 10, 8, 7 year old grieving children.

COMMENT: I typed it wrong my brothers where 18 and 16 when they took on caring for us. My eldest brother dropped out of uni at 18 and went to a full time job. My 2nd eldest brother finished school and got a job at 18.

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I’d 100% have your brothers walk you down the isle…. Had they not made sacrifices to bring you up you’d have been in care!

Mamaneedsadrink · 05/04/2023 02:47

Quveas · 03/04/2023 19:45

There is nothing to say a maid / matron of honor type role must be female. You could be creative and have all threw.

I like this. You could have your two brothers and swap to your dad at the end or vice versa. In my culture it's your maternal uncle that traditionally does it, but I wanted my dad. So my dad walked me down the aisle and my uncle basically did the last metre and 'handed me off'. Do whatever you want, mix it up. Your brothers sound wonderful by the way, have a special day ❤️

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 02:48

Americano75 · 03/04/2023 20:48

I'm actually tearing up at the loveliness of your brothers.

Choose them.

Me too 😭😭😭

EllandRd · 05/04/2023 04:59

It's your wedding so you do what makes you happy, have a wonderful wedding Flowers

Jack80 · 05/04/2023 06:56

I would have my maid of honour walk me down the isle save any arguments. Congrats 🥳

Yesthatismychildsigh · 05/04/2023 07:42

Dad can also fuck off from the first dance. He never brought you up.