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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
Strainzer · 03/04/2023 20:23

Your father needs to grow up. He is a biological father but has a lot of work to do it he wants a genuine relationship with you.

Getting angry and demanding what he wants is very immature and not a healthy pattern in a genuine caring relationship.

You are an adult now and he needs to treat you like one by respecting your decisions. You get to choose how you want to acknowledge the important people in your life. You are being thoughtful in offering him the first dance.

You are both adults and he will need to deal with his own feelings in a mature way and respect your wishes.

You can hold your position and give him the opportunity to recognize that you are now an adult and he doesn't get to manipulate his adult daughter through anger or sulking.

AintNobodyHateMeBetter · 03/04/2023 20:23

OP, go with your heart and go with your brothers.

Your Dad has his Father of the Bride speech (if he is doing one.)

wp65 · 03/04/2023 20:23

Your brothers sound amazing. What wonderful men.

One option, as a pp has suggested, would be to avoid all the hassle and just walk yourself down the aisle. It's such an outdated, sexist tradition anyway to be 'given away' by a father/ father representative. Though in your circumstances, I totally get why you'd want to have your brothers involved in that way. I don't think you need to give in to your dad's demands if you feel strongly that you'd like your brothers to do it. I'd suggest go for brothers or no one.

RichardHeed · 03/04/2023 20:35

Of course no woman needs to be “given away” however OP hasn’t even used those words and wants her brothers who raised her, to walk her down the aisle. What others think of the tradition bears zero relevance to what OP should do.

No doubt it was a hugely traumatic time but it sounds like your dad failed you all, no doubt it was hard but letting 2 young barely adults raise the rest of the children is not right, and it’s absolutely understandably why you would feel such a strong connection to them both, while feeling little for your father. The fact you’ve also only recently rebuilt your relationship says a lot.

Do not let your dad railroad you into doing something you don’t want to do. He knows he failed you growing up and by having your brothers do “his job” again, it is a stark reminder of that.

whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2023 20:36

i would say you brothers

you dad bottled out of being a dad i understand he was grieving but he should have saught help

you were a child that needed her daddy and he wasnt there-just because hes you father doesnt mean you owe him

strawberryjeans · 03/04/2023 20:41

Your brothers! You’d regret it if not. Life’s too short to people please

Timetosayno · 03/04/2023 20:44

YANBU. go for it and choose your brothers..all the best

wingingit1987 · 03/04/2023 20:45

Absolutely have your brothers walk you down the aisle. Your dad should have done better when you were younger- he can’t moan now.

GrumpyPanda · 03/04/2023 20:45

Don't give in to your dad, he's BU.

And of course you can consider other formats too. I'm from Germany and the tradition here's always been for the couple to come in together (the only people who do the walking down the aisle thing suffer from overconsumption of Hollywood movies.)

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/04/2023 20:48

Could you get rid of bridesmaids and have your dad and all your brothers accompany you?

Americano75 · 03/04/2023 20:48

I'm actually tearing up at the loveliness of your brothers.

Choose them.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2023 20:49

How fucking DARE your father try to dictate how your wedding is going to be? You shouldn't invite this negligent, shit father of a man AT ALL.

I really don't understand how you're not absolutely furious at him for being such a complete and utter selfish dick. It's clear he hasn't changed much, isn't it?

Calculater · 03/04/2023 20:50

My DH died when my sons were 18 and 20. It was very hard on me of course but my main priority was my just adult DC. I dont have younger children, but it was bad enough having to watch them cope with their grief and the way it messed up that period of their lives, the idea that they'd have to give up their dreams to care for my children makes me cry, let alone leaving other DC to be cared for by people little more than children and grieving themselves.

choccytime · 03/04/2023 20:50

Walk down the aisle with both brothers and have a brilliant day 💐

Elieza · 03/04/2023 20:56

Another alternative if you want could be:

You could enter the church/venue on your dads arm.

your brothers could be waiting further down the aisle to take over walking you down, one each side, your dad hands you over and then follows behind.

That’s literally what happened in real life. If he doesn’t like it tough.

Then you could do the first dance with him. Or start with him and then midway through move to the next brother and final brother in turn.

BecauseLifecanBeHard · 03/04/2023 20:57

Congratulations on your wedding! It is the men that demonstrate what man to choose that walk you down the aisle and that is your brothers.

StopStartStop · 03/04/2023 20:57

Tears here. Your brothers are so wonderful. Walk down the aisle with the two men who loved you and cared for you when you needed them most.

You are being very generous in thinking of a dance with your dad. You sound like a lovely person. Your brothers did a great job.

raincamepouringdown · 03/04/2023 20:57

Your brothers were there for you when, frankly, they didn't have to be. Your dad was supposed to be there for you and he wasn't.

I'd go with your brothers.

Frozendaquiri · 03/04/2023 21:01

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 19:50

For a start no man needs to give you away. Secondly I would just have one person to represent your family, rather than single out two of your siblings. I do understand the sacrifices your brothers made for you and it’s lovely you appreciate that. Thirdly at the end of the day your dad is your father. It sounds like he couldn’t cope when your mum died. It’s your wedding and of course do what you like, I can see it from both sides though especially a your relationship has been improving. Would you consider you doing a toast to your brothers at the reception and presenting them w a little gift like cufflinks or something?

Are you for real?

Firstly, where did the OP ever mention being "given away"? She's talking about them walking her down the aisle.

Secondly, you've made a lot of assumptions based on something you know nothing about.

Thirdly a dad is not always a father, and wasn't in this case.

Calculater · 03/04/2023 21:01

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:06

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end

I'm presuming you mean your dad was working away to fund keeping a house running and financially providing for his 6 children after losing his wife.

I would think he did what he thought was best at a very difficult time.

I actually feel quite sorry for him and think what you’re doing must be really hurtful for him.

Oh come on. What sort of job requires that you abandon your grieving children and see them for a few hours every 6 months?

Mabelface · 03/04/2023 21:01

You tell your father that your brothers were the ones who raised you, not him, and he's lucky that you have anything to do with him at all. If he continues to give you shit about it, he may find himself uninvited completely.

lv884 · 03/04/2023 21:01

If he’s the type to possibly cause a bit of a scene, I wouldn’t give him a speech personally. It’s highly unlikely he would say any comment which might be a bit off but potentially the mix of his resentment at not walking you down the aisle + alcohol + speech will make you feel anxious about it in the run up and on the day. And fundamentally your memory of your day will be tinged with how you were worried about the speeches all day. They are daunting at the best of times - not knowing what people are going to talk about, especially after a few.

But please don’t appease him if it’s not what you want. I’m a firm believer in having the wedding you and your husband want and not pandering to anyone, parents or not. Also is there a possibility you’ll have a more estranged relationship again? If so, would you still want him to have such an important role in your day just because he’s your father?

Enjoy the run up.

FurAndFeathers · 03/04/2023 21:03

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:06

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end

I'm presuming you mean your dad was working away to fund keeping a house running and financially providing for his 6 children after losing his wife.

I would think he did what he thought was best at a very difficult time.

I actually feel quite sorry for him and think what you’re doing must be really hurtful for him.

So you’d ruin the university life/careers of your eldest children in order to avoid parenting your 7 year old would you?

and then expect them to feel sorry for you, and give in to your demands for traditional parental roles at your convenience?

nice

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 21:03

This is very divisive. Maybe you should wait until you are older before marrying.

Frozendaquiri · 03/04/2023 21:05

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 21:03

This is very divisive. Maybe you should wait until you are older before marrying.

I'm sorry but I'm starting to think that some of these comments can't be serious.

So she shouldn't get married because she has chosen her father figures instead of her biological dad to walk her down the aisle?