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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 04/04/2023 10:48

Brothers should walk you down the aisle. Father should grow the fuck up and stop making your wedding about him.
Your dad lost his wife and that would have been heartbreakingly awful but your brothers lost their mum and had to cope with the trauma and at the same time, give up school, work and raise children. They are your dads in any true meaningful sense of the word.

ladykale · 04/04/2023 10:56

@Dogscanteatonions because bills & keeping a roof over several children's heads isn't free!!

Providing money shouldn't be disregarded.

Did he choose to work away? Were there local options? For all we know he could be an HGV driver?!

Lefteyetwitch · 04/04/2023 11:13

ladykale · 04/04/2023 10:56

@Dogscanteatonions because bills & keeping a roof over several children's heads isn't free!!

Providing money shouldn't be disregarded.

Did he choose to work away? Were there local options? For all we know he could be an HGV driver?!

Why not read thread.

We do know. Because OP has said.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/04/2023 11:16

Your brothers took the role that they had no responsibility for. Your dad abdicated all responsibility for the role he was mandated to do.

He should be grateful to be attending your wedding at all.

Agree with PP that your brothers are amazing.

Hadjab · 04/04/2023 11:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2023 20:20

No one male needs to give you away or have permission asked. It's utterly ridiculous for your father to be fighting over this.

Caveat: are you expecting dad to pay for anything?

True, no man needs to give a woman away, but surely the benefit of feminism is that we have a choice as to decide to have a man give us away if we want?

ACurlyWurlyTail · 04/04/2023 11:35

Brothers walk you
dad gives reading in ceremony?
then he feels included but the ones who raised you and the ones accompanying you to the next phase of your life.
Remind him they are not 'giving you away' as you are not an object.

(make a big thing about the reading, choose it yourself and say it means more than the walk even though it probably wont)

Toddlerteaplease · 04/04/2023 11:41

Your brothers sound lovely. Your dad is a twat. He dies not deserve any major part in your day. (Don't really get the dad, daughter dance thing though.)

SoManyComplications · 04/04/2023 11:44

I love your brothers. Choose them.

chesterelly1 · 04/04/2023 11:56

I would give the fatherly roles - walking you in, speeches, dance, to your brothers. They sound like fantastic young men. If you need to appease your actual father could he do a reading as part of the marriage ceremony. Either a poem or even song lyrics that are meaningful to you or ask your celebrant for suggestions. That way he's had his moment to be front and centre without highlighting that he was essentially absent for the majority of your life.
This is your wedding, you should make the decisions that make you happy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/04/2023 12:03

I wouldn't give your dad the 'honour' of giving you away. He kind of did that when you were young but for your brothers making sacrifices to look after you all.

Giving your dad a prominent role reduces the impact of the roles your brothers rightly should be given. Your dad should sit quietly and be grateful to be there, not pouting at being usurped.

kittensinthekitchen · 04/04/2023 12:11

I agree with what someone said about the width of the aisle.

How about your "bridesmen" walking first, followed by you and your dad, with your older brothers following behind? Kind of a "making sure everything is okay" kind of way?

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:24

If your dad actually loves you, he'll respect your wishes and be happy for you and you shouldn't even need to ask yourself what you should do.

maddy68 · 04/04/2023 12:26

I would have all three.
Your dad at one side and your brothers immediately behind you.

maddy68 · 04/04/2023 12:28

Also your dad was working to provide for you all. He is still your dad. I would have your dad but

You could do a speech that recognises the sacrifices they made in helping bring you up

Dogscanteatonions · 04/04/2023 16:47

ladykale · 04/04/2023 10:56

@Dogscanteatonions because bills & keeping a roof over several children's heads isn't free!!

Providing money shouldn't be disregarded.

Did he choose to work away? Were there local options? For all we know he could be an HGV driver?!

Read the thread FFS.

No it's not free raising children or keeping a roof over their head but he CHOSE to have children - her brothers did not choose to have children, and had raising younger siblings thrust upon them.

Murdoch1949 · 04/04/2023 16:57

Your brothers should walk you down the aisle, alone. Dad can be at altar waiting. You are right to honour your 5 brothers and make them central to your wedding.

CantGetDecentNickname · 04/04/2023 18:33

It's your wedding, not his. Remind him of this and have who you want to walk you. If he kicks up a fuss, he needn't be there and it might be a more peaceful day if he wasn't. Don't compromise to please him, he had a chance to be a Dad to you and it is your day. You DBs obviously mean a lot to you and you wish to show them that which is lovely.

Bamboux · 04/04/2023 18:38

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:22

I hadn't thought of this but really love the idea! I might end up going for this option as it will allow my dad to still feel 'important'.

Show quote history

You know it's 2023. It's kind of grim to have men fighting over whose possession you are. You're not an object to be given to another man. You are a human being with your own mind.

Dibbydoos · 04/04/2023 18:53

If your dad stands with the groom, yoyr brothers can walk you down the aisle and your dad can give your had to you groom. Would that work?

And whilst its not a good look your dad created by not being there when you all needed him, he lost his partner, his best friend and his future, so forgove him, cos that is a tough situ. My kids actually helped pull me through it when my DH died young, along with our amazing dogs. Maybe if he'd given it a good go, you'd have all been closer.

Your brothers are amazing btw OP.

Good luck OP x

forgotmyusername1 · 04/04/2023 19:06

How long is the aisle? Could your dad do the first bit and brothers take over half way down?

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 04/04/2023 19:23

Caveat: are you expecting dad to pay for anything?

Nope. Me and DP are paying for most of it. FIL and oldest DB both wanted to contribute, so they are a small amount as we didnt want them to do too much.

Dad not contributing at all, I wouldn't want him to as I feel like he might hold it hostage over my head.

OP posts:
AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken · 04/04/2023 19:26

100% your brothers what amazing men to have in your life!

My parents broke up when I was young and dad didn't make much effort at all to know me despite living close by. So I asked my mum to walk me down the Isle, it was the obvious thing to do!

Some of my family weren't happy but my DH described it in a way which applies to you too- you're not taking it away from your dad, it's just that your brothers have really earned it

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 04/04/2023 19:26

ladykale · 04/04/2023 10:56

@Dogscanteatonions because bills & keeping a roof over several children's heads isn't free!!

Providing money shouldn't be disregarded.

Did he choose to work away? Were there local options? For all we know he could be an HGV driver?!

He could have provided whilst still living in the same house and looking after his children.

Most of the many jobs he had during that time didn't have crazy hours or require him to be far away. He chose to be.

After my mum died he almost decided he 'didn't want kids'!

OP posts:
Unicorntastic · 04/04/2023 19:31

I used to work in the wedding industry and the best weddings were always the ones where the couple did it their own way rather than because it was tradition.
your brothers sound so lovely btw.

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 04/04/2023 19:31

ACurlyWurlyTail · 04/04/2023 11:35

Brothers walk you
dad gives reading in ceremony?
then he feels included but the ones who raised you and the ones accompanying you to the next phase of your life.
Remind him they are not 'giving you away' as you are not an object.

(make a big thing about the reading, choose it yourself and say it means more than the walk even though it probably wont)

A PP said something similar and I really like the idea.

I am defo gonna 'make a big thing' out of his part so he shuts up about everything else. I feel like a horrible person just saying this as he is my dad, but I just feel like my brothers are the ones who raised me and thus deserve that role.

OP posts:
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