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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 22:39

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:06

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end

I'm presuming you mean your dad was working away to fund keeping a house running and financially providing for his 6 children after losing his wife.

I would think he did what he thought was best at a very difficult time.

I actually feel quite sorry for him and think what you’re doing must be really hurtful for him.

My dad worked probably 15 minutes away from where we lived (thank god the mortgage was fully paid before my mum passed), and for months he would live 10 minutes away from the house just because he couldn't be bothered to deal with us kids / see us / or whatever his reasons where.

But he wasn't the best employee and sometimes didn't show up so had multiple different jobs, but to be fair to him did give roughly 50% of his pay each month to my brothers for us until I turned 20.

I think at times he was depressed, and also had a drink problem at times as well, but that's not an excuse to pretty much abandon your 18, 16, 10, 8, 7 year old grieving children.

COMMENT: I typed it wrong my brothers where 18 and 16 when they took on caring for us. My eldest brother dropped out of uni at 18 and went to a full time job. My 2nd eldest brother finished school and got a job at 18.

OP posts:
Sodd · 03/04/2023 22:41

Your brothers sound amazing! Personally I’d have them walk you down the aisle and have your dad walk just in-front of you at the same time.

Confrontayshunme · 03/04/2023 22:49

I went to a wedding last year where the bride had a bio dad, stepdad and her grandad each standing 1/3 of the way along the aisle and they passed her on like a baton. It was actually really sweet and meaningful.

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 22:50

I did the maths wrong again, my head is in a spin atm. Basically ignore most of the ages I give! The only info you need is I was 7 and my 2 eldest bros where 16 & 18. The rest were in-between.

As they are close but not exact ages I keep getting confused!! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 22:51

Walking down the isle: I really want to be walked down the isle and I really want my 2 brothers to do it. But I don't want to upset my dad as I want to keep building our relationship and hopefully have him in the lives of any future children.
Someone mentioned my dad starting the walk with my brothers half way down but I thought that was almost too similar to real life.
Does anyone have any other ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 22:56

My DP has his side doing speeches. And for my side I have my maid of honour doing a speech with his best men.

I'm thinking my two oldest brothers do a speech, and the three youngest do one together. Does this seem like a good idea? I know it'll be leaving my dad out but apart from 0-7 and then the last 2 years, he won't have ay stories to tell etc. He wasn't apart of my life for most of it and I want my real dads (2 eldest) to have that honour. Do you think this seems fair?

And I will defo have a dance with my dad, I've decided and then one with my 5 brothers alternating.

OP posts:
Lovelyring · 03/04/2023 22:59

I hate people trying to force you in to things like this so I'd rather have my brothers.

I suppose I might give Dad walking down the aisle and brothers speeches as a compromise as the speeches to me were much longer and more meaningful. Walking down the aisle lasted for about 10 seconds.

But really it's your day to honour people as you see fit.

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:03

Also not too relevant but my maid of honour is my best friend from school and my flower girl is the little girl I babysit as only one of my brothers is married (and he and his husband don't have kids).

And I know some people will HATE this, but I have decided (and my DP loves the idea) to have the younger 3 brothers (23, 24, 26) to be my 'bridesmen', as they really were my best friends growing up and now.

Our colour scheme has 2 main spring colours. And my bridesmen (and other 2 brothers) will having waistcoat & bow tie in same colour as my MOH dress. And my DP groomsmen will have waistcoat and bow tie in the other colour. I know some will hate but I think it'll be adorable and can't wait to see them all together!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:05

Confrontayshunme · 03/04/2023 22:49

I went to a wedding last year where the bride had a bio dad, stepdad and her grandad each standing 1/3 of the way along the aisle and they passed her on like a baton. It was actually really sweet and meaningful.

That's a great idea!

I suppose 2nd oldest b could walk in with me and pass me to oldest bro. Then oldest bro could walk me to dad and the 3 of us could walk the rest of the way together?

Does anyone think this sounds like an ok plan?

I am just so stuck but really want to include 2 brothers

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 23:08

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 22:56

My DP has his side doing speeches. And for my side I have my maid of honour doing a speech with his best men.

I'm thinking my two oldest brothers do a speech, and the three youngest do one together. Does this seem like a good idea? I know it'll be leaving my dad out but apart from 0-7 and then the last 2 years, he won't have ay stories to tell etc. He wasn't apart of my life for most of it and I want my real dads (2 eldest) to have that honour. Do you think this seems fair?

And I will defo have a dance with my dad, I've decided and then one with my 5 brothers alternating.

Far too many speeches. I’m not sure, just due to your age, how many weddings you’ve been to, but no one wants to listen to your father in law, your husband, the best man, your matron of honour, your two older brothers and then three more brothers give a speech. If you are intent on excluding your father, which I do think is a mistake and something very difficult for him to get over, have one brother walk you up the aisle and the other give a speech. Oh and another practical tip, please do the speeches after dinner or as desert is being served, not before! Your guests will only be thinking of their bellies if you have 45 mins of speeches before they eat!

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 23:12

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:03

Also not too relevant but my maid of honour is my best friend from school and my flower girl is the little girl I babysit as only one of my brothers is married (and he and his husband don't have kids).

And I know some people will HATE this, but I have decided (and my DP loves the idea) to have the younger 3 brothers (23, 24, 26) to be my 'bridesmen', as they really were my best friends growing up and now.

Our colour scheme has 2 main spring colours. And my bridesmen (and other 2 brothers) will having waistcoat & bow tie in same colour as my MOH dress. And my DP groomsmen will have waistcoat and bow tie in the other colour. I know some will hate but I think it'll be adorable and can't wait to see them all together!

I’m not keen on it but it’s your wedding, the only thing I would say again as a practical thing is if you are having four attendants your groom should have the same amount. It just seems overwhelmingly male I suppose.

DibbleDooDah · 03/04/2023 23:13

Brothers walk you down the aisle. Dad waiting at the front and answers the “who gives this woman to be married” bit.

Your brothers are then doing the really important bit and your dad a tiny bit to keep him happy.

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:21

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 23:08

Far too many speeches. I’m not sure, just due to your age, how many weddings you’ve been to, but no one wants to listen to your father in law, your husband, the best man, your matron of honour, your two older brothers and then three more brothers give a speech. If you are intent on excluding your father, which I do think is a mistake and something very difficult for him to get over, have one brother walk you up the aisle and the other give a speech. Oh and another practical tip, please do the speeches after dinner or as desert is being served, not before! Your guests will only be thinking of their bellies if you have 45 mins of speeches before they eat!

Show quote history

I have never been to a wedding so thanks for pointing this out! I thought it was quite a few but DP thought it was ok!

Will definitely nately talk to him about cutting some of them out now, thanks for the tip.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:22

DibbleDooDah · 03/04/2023 23:13

Brothers walk you down the aisle. Dad waiting at the front and answers the “who gives this woman to be married” bit.

Your brothers are then doing the really important bit and your dad a tiny bit to keep him happy.

I hadn't thought of this but really love the idea! I might end up going for this option as it will allow my dad to still feel 'important'.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 23:24

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:21

I have never been to a wedding so thanks for pointing this out! I thought it was quite a few but DP thought it was ok!

Will definitely nately talk to him about cutting some of them out now, thanks for the tip.

Show quote history

I’m sure your wedding will be lovely and it’s really wonderful you’re putting so much thought in to including all your nearest and dearest. I hope you have a really fab day.

Ineedtoloseweightnow · 03/04/2023 23:29

I love that you are planning to have your elder brothers walking you down the aisle and the bridesmen thing is a great idea! Wish I’d thought of that when I got married 15 years ago, he was just the usher! Try not to spend too much time pleasing everyone else, it’s your day and do with it what you and your partner want. Like me 15 years down the line you will wish you stuck to what you wanted instead of being influenced by family, traditions and etiquette!

Hankunamatata · 03/04/2023 23:38

You said your dad disappeared for months on end. Was he working away? or choosing to detach from family life?

Original poster
BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 23:45

Hankunamatata · 03/04/2023 23:38

You said your dad disappeared for months on end. Was he working away? or choosing to detach from family life?

Completely detached. There were periods of time where he wasn't even living in the house and was renting a place roughly 10 minutes away. All in all it was a bit of a mess for almost 15 years

OP posts:
Annon1234 · 04/04/2023 00:10

do it your way. Honestly I recently got married and had the traditional dad walking me down the aisle doing a speech etc as it’s the done thing and i didnt want to upset anyone. Me and my dad never had the best relationship when I was growing up, up until about 3 years ago I couldn’t hold a conversation with him. As amazing as my day was I feel like walking down the aisle with my dad, and not my mum, took the shine away from that moment because it was awkward and uncomfortable. Also he made a speech about me but it felt very un personal. Honesty have your brothers and the way you want it

SeatonCarew · 04/04/2023 03:54

A couple of practical considerations OP. If you have two people, one on each arm, you're going to need an unusually wide aisle, which may well not be possible. Bear in mind the width of your dress too.

Secondly, if you are all awkwardly crushed together walking up the aisle, or if there are several men involved, you run the risk of looking as if you are being strong-armed into the venue. You want it to look dignified, not like chucking out time at the pub. 😊

ShippingNews · 04/04/2023 04:30

if you are having four attendants your groom should have the same amount. It just seems overwhelmingly male I suppose

Not true ! You don't have to have pairs of attendants - you could just have your brothers as attendants and any others that you want. They don't have to pair off - that is a very old-fashioned idea - every girl must have a man to hold her arm ! So silly when you think about it.

BusyMum47 · 04/04/2023 08:46

@BlueLavender1 For what it's worth, I think you're a lovely person for even considering your dad's feelings in all of this! I would DEFINITELY stick to your plan for your 2 brothers to walk you down the aisle. Your dad can still play a part elsewhere but THAT bit is special & they were there for you...he wasn't.

thecatsthecats · 04/04/2023 09:03

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 19:50

For a start no man needs to give you away. Secondly I would just have one person to represent your family, rather than single out two of your siblings. I do understand the sacrifices your brothers made for you and it’s lovely you appreciate that. Thirdly at the end of the day your dad is your father. It sounds like he couldn’t cope when your mum died. It’s your wedding and of course do what you like, I can see it from both sides though especially a your relationship has been improving. Would you consider you doing a toast to your brothers at the reception and presenting them w a little gift like cufflinks or something?

Yes, I'm sure it must have been tough for her dad when his wife died.

Whereas for her brothers, it must have been a picnic to lose their mum AND step up to raise their little sister.

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 10:06

thecatsthecats · 04/04/2023 09:03

Yes, I'm sure it must have been tough for her dad when his wife died.

Whereas for her brothers, it must have been a picnic to lose their mum AND step up to raise their little sister.

Show quote history

Yeah that’s exactly what I said…

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2023 10:34

Your wedding, your choice. Don’t let him dictate to you, he has no right.