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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 03/04/2023 21:43

Your gut was 2 brothers I’d go with that. Is there an older relative who could intervene. Him doing dance or speech is a good compromise.

Junebughustle · 03/04/2023 21:45

Did your dad abandon you for months on end, or was he working to provide for you while leaving you in the care of trusted and loving family? If its the latter it feels so cruel to punish him.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 03/04/2023 21:46

Your brothers either side of you definitely. That is where they belong. Supporting you all the way, as they always have.

Your dad can be part of the procession, walking behind, still important but if he can't admit he wasn't as close or as involved as your brothers then he doesn't belong in the building at all.

First dance & father of the bride speech can be his of course (though I hope there is a brothers-of-the-bride speech too)

OkImListening · 03/04/2023 21:46

Definitely your brothers.

Peckhaminn · 03/04/2023 21:46

OP, I would have my brothers. They raised you, and took care of you and STAYED. Your dad didn't, I wouldn't think twice about my dad walking me down the isle if he disappeared 6 months at a time not giving a shit (to put it bluntly). He can have the dance but your brothers walk you down the isle

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2023 21:47

Fuck him! Any more lip from him and I'd be withdrawing the invitation to my wedding. I think your brothers sound wonderful, and them walking you down the aisle is you acknowledging your relationship with these two wonderful men.

Your dad didn't put in the work, so he doesn't get the glory.

piedbeauty · 03/04/2023 21:48

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:06

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end

I'm presuming you mean your dad was working away to fund keeping a house running and financially providing for his 6 children after losing his wife.

I would think he did what he thought was best at a very difficult time.

I actually feel quite sorry for him and think what you’re doing must be really hurtful for him.

Ridiculous comment. He should not have left all his Dc for months on end, forcing the older to bring up the younger! Don't make excuses for him.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/04/2023 21:52

Do what makes you happy. You're an adult, embarking on marriage. All I get from your post is you've ears for everybody's opinion. Don't you have a voice to speak up with? It's your and your husband to be's day, not your Dad's. He's had his time. Are you going to be dictated to by your Dad during your marriage then?! Put your big girl pants on and sort this out

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 03/04/2023 21:53

Ask a friend or female relative to accompany you if that's what you want. I find the whole, giving away thing a bit old-fashioned.

Essie274 · 03/04/2023 21:56

Jeeeeez. Your dad doesn't actually care about walking you down the aisle, he cares about what it will look like to everyone else if he doesn't. Think about that.

I didn't really want anyone to walk me down the aisle (it was such a low-key wedding we weren't even really planning to have an aisle or an entrance at all) but my dad was really really mithered about how it would look/that people would think we had a bad relationship. It really bothered him - he is v much a 'keep up appearances, don't stray from the norm please' kind of guy, and as I didn't overly care (and we genuinely have a good relationship!) I did it for him. Had we NOT had a good relationship and I thought he was trying to cover his own ass in public, no way would I have made a concession for him.

lv884 · 03/04/2023 21:57

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 03/04/2023 21:53

Ask a friend or female relative to accompany you if that's what you want. I find the whole, giving away thing a bit old-fashioned.

The giving away didn’t sit right with me either so we requested that the formal giving away part (“Who presents this woman?” Something like that I think…) in the vows was taken out. However, I didn’t feel so strongly about it to not have my lovely dad walking down the aisle with me. I don’t think it has to be about giving away although I understand the patriarchy and tradition it’s steeped in before someone tells me. My mum did a reading though and I did a speech too.

worried4698643 · 03/04/2023 22:05

What incredible men your brothers are.

Thepossibility · 03/04/2023 22:10

I regret having my dad walk me down, it felt so fake.
I would have your brothers walking you down or none and uninvite dad if he keeps making your wedding about him.
I also really like the idea of bro's being your “best men".

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 03/04/2023 22:11

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 21:03

This is very divisive. Maybe you should wait until you are older before marrying.

Unbelievable Confused seriously? Hmm

Feraldogmum · 03/04/2023 22:12

Your father abdicated parental responsibility, he dumped the role of parent on two teenage lads who essentially had to change their lives and put themselves 2nd to raise a child ,when they should have been enjoying their youth. Your father failed all of you. Your brothers sound like truly wonderful human beings so you are so lucky in that, your dad has not earned the right to walk you down the aisle, he should satisfy himself that you are rebuilding your relationship ,let that be enough for now and respect your wishes,it’s your day.

LiliLil · 03/04/2023 22:13

It’s your wedding, you do what you want.

However if you’re looking for a compromise could your dad walk you into the church (if it is a church!) and half way down the aisle, and your two brothers be waiting to take you from there to your husband?

FictionalCharacter · 03/04/2023 22:16

UnsolicitedOpinions · 03/04/2023 20:05

Choose your brothers. Dance with them as well. If your Dad wants to ruin things then tell him he’s not invited.

Yep. I can’t see how he deserves to have his wishes indulged.

Purplepinkfairy · 03/04/2023 22:17

Walk down the aisle alone

Manchester1990 · 03/04/2023 22:19

Wow your brothers are amazing

ConstanceOcean · 03/04/2023 22:25

It doesn’t matter why your dad was away for months at a time.

If you want your brothers to walk you down the aisle then stick to your guns and do that.

I think having 2 brothers giving you away sounds much better than a father anyway.

StoppinBy · 03/04/2023 22:25

You could have your Dad walk you from the car to the aisle and then your brothers walk you down the aisle?

ConstanceOcean · 03/04/2023 22:25

Your brothers sound amazing.

Ellie1015 · 03/04/2023 22:28

Absolutely your choice. I would def want to recognise my brothers in some way. But giving them the traditional father roles is showing everyone at the wedding you consider your brothers more important.

Completely see why they are more important but it is a bit public and i would not want to hurt my dad if relationship ok now. He probably wishes things were different and he coped better.

I would have dad for walking down the aisle and dance. I would have a mention of brothers in grooms speech or have them do a reading.

Seas164 · 03/04/2023 22:30

The last person you organise your wedding around is the person who will be "angry" if you don't do what they want.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/04/2023 22:34

You are an individual in your own right - not a possession to be given by one man to another.
I find the concept of 'being given away' wholly distasteful.
Is your father really concerned about not being the one to give you away, or concerned he'll miss out on the bride price?