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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dad ruining my wedding

181 replies

BlueLavender1 · 03/04/2023 19:42

NC and minor age change for privacy.

I (21F) am getting married to my fiancé (22M) in 3 months time (yes we are young but have been dating since I was 15 and we are very much in love.

For context: I have 5 older brothers - 34, 32, 26, 24, 23.
My mum died when I was 7 and my eldest 2 brothers (20, 18 at the time) essentially became my surrogate parents.

My eldest brother literally dropped out of uni to look after us as my dad couldn't. It was my brothers who did my homework with me, made my dinner, showered me, baked cakes for school, signed my school forms, took me prom dress shopping, volunteered for school trips. In every essence they where my dads.

Yes my dad still had a job and provided for us monetarily but he would disappear for months on end and I never had a proper relationship with him. (My 2 eldest bros also got jobs at 18 and 20 to provide for us). At one point when I was 11-12 I would only see him every 6 months or so for a few hours.

My fiancé even asked my oldest brother for permission to marry me.

Anyway, recently I asked my two oldest brothers to walk me down the isle, one on each arm. When my dad heard he was very angry and wanted to be the one (I should add my relationship with him in the last 2 years has been much better). But to me my brothers raised me.

Some of my family agree with me and some with my dad. My 2 brothers said they would love too but if my dad was going to cause a scene they would let him do it as to not ruin our day.

My dad did come up with a compromise - him and my eldest brother would walk me down the isle. But I want to keep my 2 brothers even if I end up having a falling out and said I could do the first father daughter dance with him (the 2nd I planned on dancing with each of my brothers throughout the one song).

What should I do?

YABU - Let your dad and eldest bro walk you down the isle.
YANBU - Your 2 brothers should walk you down the isle. Dad can have the 1st dance.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 03/04/2023 21:06

It's your and your fiancé's wedding so it's your choice what you do.
Don't be too harsh on your dad though. You say he was away a lot. Was that for work? Maybe he would have loved to have been the one at home whilst someone else paid the bills but it was just how it was.
You've not mentioned any sort of financial contribution so lm assuming there's none, which underlines what I said earlier...your wedding, your choice.

RichardHeed · 03/04/2023 21:06

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 21:03

This is very divisive. Maybe you should wait until you are older before marrying.

This is really fucking patronising, even for you!

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 21:07

Frozendaquiri · 03/04/2023 21:01

Are you for real?

Firstly, where did the OP ever mention being "given away"? She's talking about them walking her down the aisle.

Secondly, you've made a lot of assumptions based on something you know nothing about.

Thirdly a dad is not always a father, and wasn't in this case.

Show quote history

Are you for real? That’s what walking down the aisle is - being given away. At the top of the aisle the male escort gives her away to the groom for marriage. Do you not understand the history of marriage??? Bizarre.
I’ve made no assumptions. I was careful not to. I did say it seems like your dad struggled when he was widowed with six children. I didn’t say he did.
He is still her father and she says they have been rebuilding their relationship. If anything you are making assumptions.

lv884 · 03/04/2023 21:09

I also disagree that just because you fathered a child you somehow deserve to do something like walk them down the aisle or speak about their childhood and formative years - which you were absent from - during their speeches.

His absence resulted in his children having to become parents and make sacrifices they shouldn’t have. I appreciate we don’t have the full story, though, but I do think the OP’s brothers sound decent and wonderful - and like they will always have a really strong bond.

AdoraBell · 03/04/2023 21:09

YANBU definitely chose your brothers over the demanding Disney dad. If he continues to kick up a fuss then tell him he’s not invited as pp have suggested.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 03/04/2023 21:13

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 21:03

This is very divisive. Maybe you should wait until you are older before marrying.

That's really patronising and not very helpful.

OP your brothers sound like amazing people and I can so see why you would like them to walk you down the aisle.

Whether your dad was absolutely confused with grief, or just pure selfish or a mix, he didn't show up & your brothers did.

I suspect, although, may be wrong, that he knows he handled the situation extremely badly and that he knows this and his anger is more with himself than you. Only you know what he's really like.

I wouldn't be guilted into anything. He made his choices when you were younger & you had no choice on how things were then. You do now.

I hope you have an amazing day. Don't let anyone detract from it.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/04/2023 21:14

Personally I'd be telling him he won't be getting an invite at all if he doesn't wind his neck in.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 03/04/2023 21:15

The choice you make is not solely about the relationship you had with your Dad in the past but about the one you will have in the future. Not having him walk you down the aisle as per tradition is a very public rejection. That doesn’t make it wrong, but it will set the tone for the part he plays in your life going forwards.

Your brothers sound lovely by the way. Enjoy your wedding.

Frozendaquiri · 03/04/2023 21:15

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 21:07

Are you for real? That’s what walking down the aisle is - being given away. At the top of the aisle the male escort gives her away to the groom for marriage. Do you not understand the history of marriage??? Bizarre.
I’ve made no assumptions. I was careful not to. I did say it seems like your dad struggled when he was widowed with six children. I didn’t say he did.
He is still her father and she says they have been rebuilding their relationship. If anything you are making assumptions.

Show quote history

Are you aware that times have changed?

Rollerpiggy · 03/04/2023 21:17

Don’t pander to your dads wishes, it sounds like your brothers have sacrificed their young lives to do exactly this. They had to Fill in for him when he couldn’t hack it, now he wants the honour of giving you away at your wedding. It’s a special privilege in my eyes, and he doesn’t deserve this. It’s great he is back in your life - now all the hard work is done. I would be asking him where he was when you needed him, now he making fatherly demands.

L1ttledrummergirl · 03/04/2023 21:19

Elieza · 03/04/2023 20:56

Another alternative if you want could be:

You could enter the church/venue on your dads arm.

your brothers could be waiting further down the aisle to take over walking you down, one each side, your dad hands you over and then follows behind.

That’s literally what happened in real life. If he doesn’t like it tough.

Then you could do the first dance with him. Or start with him and then midway through move to the next brother and final brother in turn.

This sounds nice. Or you could have your brothers on each arm and your dad walking ahead or behind you following in your wake.

Schnooze · 03/04/2023 21:19

Another team brothers.

Smineusername · 03/04/2023 21:21

Unfortunately I think it wouldn't really be possible to have your brothers give you away while your dad is present without it looking, feeling and pretty much being a ginormous public fuck you to your dad. It would be humiliating for him and I think it would detract from the spirit of the day. I would find ways to include and pay tribute to all three but perhaps walk myself down the aisle

ancientgran · 03/04/2023 21:21

Well it is difficult but how about adapting Meghan Markle's idea, your brothers walk you into church and part way down the aisle and then your father walks you the rest of the way? That way you are acknowledging them all.

Your brothers sound wonderful by the way, so sad for you to lose you mum but what a blessing you had them.

I hope it all goes well.

dinmin · 03/04/2023 21:21

Nothing that hasn’t been said but it’s your wedding so do what you want. Also sounds to me like your brothers are more deserving of the role, but if YOU want to include your dad in this part, I agree with a PP’s suggestion to have him walk you part of the way and your brothers the rest

Cherryblossoms85 · 03/04/2023 21:22

Sounds lovely. I was too old for the whole idea of any man giving me away to my husband, so I walked down the aisle with my fiancé. I liked it, facing our joint future together rather than me being the junior.

Eyerollcentral · 03/04/2023 21:23

Frozendaquiri · 03/04/2023 21:15

Are you aware that times have changed?

Show quote history

What has that to do with anything?? If they have changed so much why do women still ‘need’ a man to escort them down the aisle??? They are still being ‘given away’ by a male representative of their family. It’s for the OP to decide to do that or not, but that remains what it represents.

retrosteamband · 03/04/2023 21:23

You don’t have a traditional relationship with your dad, so you don’t need him carry out such traditional acts at your wedding. he wasn’t present, actions have consequences

Bookworm333 · 03/04/2023 21:23

YANBU. Brothers for sure. Not sure I'd even bother with first dance for Dad, tbh. Put your foot down and he can jog on if he doesn't like it. Him behaving like this kind of proves exactly why your brothers are the father figures, doesn't it?!

Lefteyetwitch · 03/04/2023 21:25

I'd tell Dad that his choice is to accept that they will be walking you down the aisle or he doesn't come.

Axahooxa · 03/04/2023 21:28

Really think hard about whether your dad should be there or if he’ll ruin it. Tradition shouldn’t overrule sense- if he’ll spoil it all, just tell him he’s not coming.

My friend’s absent father tried to ruin his wedding day- he should not have been invited at all.

Gimmethemoney · 03/04/2023 21:31

Another option - have a long aisle walk and split the walk into three? Start or end with dad and work your way down?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 03/04/2023 21:38

Personally I'd be going for option 3 which would be to not have the selfish, abusive, neglectful cunt there at all. Great that he's bothered to improve his relationship when old age and loneliness is setting in, but that doesn't give him the right to dictate any of it. He should be grateful for anything he gets.

TrashyPanda · 03/04/2023 21:39

Your brothers sound like amazing men who love you very much.

exactly the people to walk you down the aisle.

they were there for you then and they will be there for you always. So share this special moment with those who love you most.

ChristinaDior · 03/04/2023 21:41

Smineusername · 03/04/2023 21:21

Unfortunately I think it wouldn't really be possible to have your brothers give you away while your dad is present without it looking, feeling and pretty much being a ginormous public fuck you to your dad. It would be humiliating for him and I think it would detract from the spirit of the day. I would find ways to include and pay tribute to all three but perhaps walk myself down the aisle

Humiliating? Don’t be bloody ridiculous.

OP, this is your wedding. You are allowed to have whoever you want to walk you down the aisle.

It’s yours and your fiancés day. No one else’s. Please do not give one fuck about offending or upsetting anyone. If they can’t be happy with your wishes then they don’t deserve to be at the wedding.

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