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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

scrivette · 03/04/2023 12:43

I would be annoyed too. He can go to visit the grave at any time but it's only a first birthday once.

LlamaFace19 · 03/04/2023 12:45

That is bizarre. I'd put money on he's not actually going to the grave.

Hamster1111 · 03/04/2023 12:48

Yeah I'm another one voting for him not actually visiting the grave....

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 12:48

peculiar as fuck.

ask him straight out what he's up to.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 03/04/2023 12:50

Yanbu to want to celebrate the birthday of a living person. I know a man who's entire childhood was blanketed by the anniversaries of his dead younger brother.. He isn't a well adjusted adult. By a long way.

Snowontheblow · 03/04/2023 12:50

scrivette · 03/04/2023 12:43

I would be annoyed too. He can go to visit the grave at any time but it's only a first birthday once.

It's not her birthday though, it's a celebration - so I'm thinking something like 1st Easter, 1st Eid ul Fitr.

Hatscats · 03/04/2023 12:51

Wtf definitely weird

torquewench · 03/04/2023 12:52

Baby's first what? Easter? Birthday?

Chuckydidit · 03/04/2023 12:52

Did he kill the cousin?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 12:52

Chuckydidit · 03/04/2023 12:52

Did he kill the cousin?

plot twist

SunshineGeorgie · 03/04/2023 12:53

He's playing you like a fiddle!!

Oldermum84 · 03/04/2023 12:53

He has a second family.

ArcticSkewer · 03/04/2023 12:54

What other weird stuff does he do to facilitate his second life/affair?

Kenwoodmixitup · 03/04/2023 12:55

He has an alternative arrangement and a poor imagination.

VeronicaTimeTurner · 03/04/2023 12:57

Yep, nowt to do with the cousin I bet.

VeronicaTimeTurner · 03/04/2023 12:57

Oldermum84 · 03/04/2023 12:53

He has a second family.

I did wonder this as well actually

mum11970 · 03/04/2023 12:59

If I’m reading you OP right, this isn’t your dd’s 1st birthday but her first time at some festival/celebration or other. Which is it?

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 03/04/2023 13:00

Call his bluff and offer to go with him.

dittbtdity · 03/04/2023 13:01

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

This!! I don't believe he's telling you the truth.

He's using the 6 hour round trip to the grave as cover.

Record his car mileage or hide a tracker in the glovebox so you can see his route.

chezpopbang · 03/04/2023 13:02

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

My first thought too!

Hazelnuttella · 03/04/2023 13:02

Have you ever been to the grave with him?

Either he needs grief counselling, because this is not a normal reaction, or he’s having an affair.

BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:03

No I doubt it's an affair. The other alternative would be for us to go with him, which he would be ok with, but why on earth would I want to take baby to spend our celebration at a graveyard. Just thinking about it is pissing me off

OP posts:
ExtraHotConsumeAtOwnRisk · 03/04/2023 13:05

Baby's first what?

That's really important. I suspect you've written this really carefully because you know that if you include what it is, people will say you are being unreasonable...

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/04/2023 13:06

Well it's not true clearly!! It's staring you right in the face.

Have you got said it seems like a strange thing to do when he spent the time he was alive bad mouthing him?

If not, why not?
If so, what does he say?