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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/04/2023 14:47

There are several cultures in which visiting the graves of the dead or otherwise having a death 'day' of remembrance occurs, Orthodox Christians for one, so I think if it clashes with one of those, then I would move the first birthday as the little one is too young to know and also the dates of these things shift about so it may not happen again for a while.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 03/04/2023 14:47

I would bet my bottom dollar that he's not going to the grave.

0hs0s0rry · 03/04/2023 14:49

As someone who’s Mum and Brother are buried 3 hours away, I don’t go on Eid day to visit them. Because it’s a big chunk of the day gone. Although I love and miss them both so much, I do like to celebrate my Eid with my family who are living. I usually go a few days before, even after. Whenever I get the chance really.

For your OH to prioritise a cemetery visit on Eid day, regardless of your baby’s first Eid, is definitely something I’d be suspicious about. Because it is a 6 hour round trip.

Calculater · 03/04/2023 14:49

allmyliesaretrue · 03/04/2023 14:09

You are both a bit doolally - you for making a deal of your baby's first Whatever-it-is, because they won't have a clue, and him for making these ridiculous pilgrimages for someone he didn't like or have a relationship with?

He wins, on balance. Nobody can be that batshit - can they?

I'd be very, very suspicious as he keeps doing it?

So if a DH wanted to go off and do something weird on baby's first Christmas, that would be OK because baby will be unaware, even though mum and others would be excited for the occasion? One that's usually spent as a family?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2023 14:51

It's a 'baby avoidance activity'. See also 1 hour poos, 'gardening' that takes all day and cycling.

Whether that's because he hates the family, doesn't want to parent, is having an affair or has a second family... it's shitty.

He could take the baby while OP enjoys the celebration. Baby won't know any different and if he really is visiting a grave it won't curtail that at all.

KTSl1964 · 03/04/2023 14:51

Are you 100% no affair! It’s very very odd - if he goes in the car I’d be sure to check out mileage when he leaves and when he gets back.
He seems to be avoiding family life.
Yes he’s unreasonable

MavisMcMinty · 03/04/2023 14:51

So if a DH wanted to go off and do something weird on baby's first Christmas, that would be OK because baby will be unaware, even though mum and others would be excited for the occasion? One that's usually spent as a family?

Christmas Day would be an excellent day for a traffic-free 6-hour drive, though. Particularly if you don’t celebrate Christmas.

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 14:52

You implied ir's your baby' first birthday. It isn't. It's a celebration in your family you want your baby and your DH to go to. He wants to do something else. It's about compromise.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 14:52

ArdeteiMasazxu · 03/04/2023 14:44

If it's Eid then YABU because visiting family graves is an important part of some families' observation of Eid. The fact that OP is being coy about confirming whether it is Eid makes this more likely because OP knows that if Eid was mentioned at the start, everyone who knew this would say YABU right away.

If this is the case then it's not like the whole day will be by the grave side but presumably there's grandparents/other cousins etc living nearby and there is the opportunity for a great family gathering. The day will be very special and will still be a precious "baby's first Eid" but offering prayers by the graveside is just a part of that celebration. As time goes by there will of course be more graves and sometimes different places to be

He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead.

seems a tad hypocritical though? making a fuss over the grave of a cousin you'd wished dead.

Calculater · 03/04/2023 14:54

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 14:52

You implied ir's your baby' first birthday. It isn't. It's a celebration in your family you want your baby and your DH to go to. He wants to do something else. It's about compromise.

No she didn't, it was quite clear from the OP that she was referring to baby's first celebration of this festival.

bizzywiththefizzy · 03/04/2023 14:55

This thread is completely pointless Hmm

Calculater · 03/04/2023 14:55

MavisMcMinty · 03/04/2023 14:51

So if a DH wanted to go off and do something weird on baby's first Christmas, that would be OK because baby will be unaware, even though mum and others would be excited for the occasion? One that's usually spent as a family?

Christmas Day would be an excellent day for a traffic-free 6-hour drive, though. Particularly if you don’t celebrate Christmas.

But this family do celebrate this festival.

IAmInMeHoop · 03/04/2023 14:57

lemontrees22 · 03/04/2023 13:18

How long can you spend paying respects at a grave? Anyone?

I think the is post is a wind up...sorry OP.
A festival/ celebration? What?!

You're confused that other cultures exist...?

What a bizarre response.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/04/2023 15:07

Tell him he’s using his dead cousin as an excuse not to spend time with you and your child. You’re not prepared to accept this and what is he really up to.

magma32 · 03/04/2023 15:08

This is quite normal on Eid day for many families and I would understand if his parents or immediate family but extended family? Nah not normal especially when he’s wanted them dead anyway. And I also don’t know anyone that drives x hours on Eid day. If you’re local, that’s fair enough. I’d put my foot down if I were you. He needs to get a grip. That’s if he’s telling you the truth.

Peachy2005 · 03/04/2023 15:09

Tell him you’re coming with him for all future grave visits…see what he says!

magma32 · 03/04/2023 15:09

magma32 · 03/04/2023 15:08

This is quite normal on Eid day for many families and I would understand if his parents or immediate family but extended family? Nah not normal especially when he’s wanted them dead anyway. And I also don’t know anyone that drives x hours on Eid day. If you’re local, that’s fair enough. I’d put my foot down if I were you. He needs to get a grip. That’s if he’s telling you the truth.

“X hours to drive to a grave” that was meant to say

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2023 15:14

magma32 · 03/04/2023 15:08

This is quite normal on Eid day for many families and I would understand if his parents or immediate family but extended family? Nah not normal especially when he’s wanted them dead anyway. And I also don’t know anyone that drives x hours on Eid day. If you’re local, that’s fair enough. I’d put my foot down if I were you. He needs to get a grip. That’s if he’s telling you the truth.

And Christmas and Qingming, Day of the Dead and others.

Whether the festival is more about dead relatives or babies probably does matter a little. But it doesn't explain why his cousin, not close and he didn't like.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 03/04/2023 15:19

@MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake
He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead.
seems a tad hypocritical though? making a fuss over the grave of a cousin you'd wished dead.

Observance of rituals after someone dies isn't something you do for the benefit of the dead person. They are dead. You participate for the sake of the living.

I don't have a lot of time for one of my cousins, who I consider to be rather vacuous and shallow and boring, whereas she considers me to be terribly ill-dressed and criminally inattentive to my beauty and skincare and insufficiently appreciative of how fabulous she is. I don't wish her dead obviously - but we don't go or expect to be invited to each other's social events

But I dearly love her father my uncle, and you bet 100% if she did tragically die young I would be participating in every single family event to mourn her, which I would see as supporting my uncle and (if they were still living) my grandparents who are also cousin's grandparents, who would all be deeply and genuinely mourning. That's not hypocracy.

In a family where the Eid practice of visiting graves is part of family tradition then everyone who can do so would participate in that whether or not they were particularly close to the person who died, as part of their support for those family members who were close to the deceased.

Original poster
BananasP · 03/04/2023 15:21

Seriously, the people saying hes having an affair need to chill out, hes really not , well 99% sure hes not. More likely to be to avoid family life previous posters have said. But this is taking the actual piss, there is no logic to what hes doing.

As for not mentioning the festival, yes it will be outing because of the details ive already mentioned on the OP. I've spoken to people in RL about this and I know they are on MNs.

To make it clear the festival has absolutely nothing to do with visiting the dead or celebrating death or whatever. I totally understand dd with have no understanding of the celebration or remember anything, but it would be nice to spend it as a family together.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 15:22

Someone CBA getting involved with any of the birthday prep. In fact, it sounds like he’s pretty tuned out of family life in general if he’s prioritizing a ghost instead of his wife and baby. I’d be telling him to get into therapy and sort out his conscience before he has a failed marriage under his belt to contend with too.

Tiddlywinkly · 03/04/2023 15:22

I'm a bit confused by your post, but I have a few questions. When did his cousin pass away? How many times has he visited 'the grave'? Is it a recent activity?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 03/04/2023 15:27

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

Yeah sorry OP. I do hate to jump the gun but I actually agree this could be a real possibility. What he proposes he is doing makes absolutely no sense with the context provided and it usually ends badly.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/04/2023 15:29

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

Why does this have to come up every time someone is acting a bit strangely.

Nocutenamesleft · 03/04/2023 15:30

What is the festival for?

it can’t be that outing for a festival……

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