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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
IrishGothic · 03/04/2023 15:32

ArdeteiMasazxu · 03/04/2023 14:44

If it's Eid then YABU because visiting family graves is an important part of some families' observation of Eid. The fact that OP is being coy about confirming whether it is Eid makes this more likely because OP knows that if Eid was mentioned at the start, everyone who knew this would say YABU right away.

If this is the case then it's not like the whole day will be by the grave side but presumably there's grandparents/other cousins etc living nearby and there is the opportunity for a great family gathering. The day will be very special and will still be a precious "baby's first Eid" but offering prayers by the graveside is just a part of that celebration. As time goes by there will of course be more graves and sometimes different places to be

Family grave visiting at certain religious feasts is also culturally normal for me. (Not Muslim.) It doesn't have to have a 'religious significance' in the sense of being a matter of obligation within the faith.

The idea of it being 'baby's first' Eid/Easter/whatever wouldn't register with me as any reason not to do it, especially if, as the OP says, she plans to spend several hours visiting her own family, anyway, and her DH says he will visit the grave during that time, so as to miss as little as possible of the day with her.

Habreathmint · 03/04/2023 15:37

Tell him you'll go with him!

tobeornottobe1 · 03/04/2023 15:39

@BananasP I would say your going with him and then see if he cancels his trip or not. You say he wouldn't mind you going but I bet he does.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/04/2023 15:39

Google “why narcissists ruin parties”

Wishimaywishimight · 03/04/2023 15:41

He is prioritising visiting the grave of someone he had no contact with and didn't even like over you and his child.

You are sure it's not an affair but you must see how bizarre this is, it makes no sense whatsoever.

NormaTheWife · 03/04/2023 15:44

Has he been saying he has to go visit the grave in the past or has he DONE so? If it is a religious festival and he hasn't been then I might see why he wants to do so on that day.

MamaNomore · 03/04/2023 15:54

What's he like on your birthday, OP?

Does he have form for not liking other people getting attention he'd rather have?

ZombieKettle · 03/04/2023 15:56

Have you ever visited the grave with him? As in, know for sure that he knows where the grave even is? Because if you haven't, I'd be inclined to call his bluff and say on the day that you'd like to come with him to show your respects. If he suddenly doesn't know how to find the grave, or makes a lot of excuses about why you shouldn't come, then you should take that as evidence that he's likely up to something. Whether that's an affair or secret gambling, a second family, or just avoiding family stuff, who knows. But it sounds like he's either occupied with something else at those times or avoiding something.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 03/04/2023 15:56

Sounds very odd.

I'd asking him if he thinks his cousin would want him to be at his daughters first north day or visiting his grave? Would he visit his cousin, if he weee alive, rather than be at his daughters birthday?

Does he often pull stunts like this on special occasions, your birthday, Mother's Day, his children's plays etc?

OMG12 · 03/04/2023 15:58

Call his bluff, go with him and see how easily he finds the grave. I suspect he will struggle, he’s meeting up with someone else

BananasinPyhamas · 03/04/2023 16:02

torquewench · 03/04/2023 12:52

Baby's first what? Easter? Birthday?

I'd imagine it's Eid but the OP doesn't want to say because this would somehow be outing even though there's millions of Muslims in the world 😆

Crumpleton · 03/04/2023 16:06

Toddlerteaplease · 03/04/2023 15:29

Why does this have to come up every time someone is acting a bit strangely.

Show quote history

Could be they're talking from experience and they or DH have had one.

MoreSleepPleasee · 03/04/2023 16:06

I'm voting he's having an affair. It's often an unexpected shock.

Gablonz · 03/04/2023 16:15

You've implied he visits the grave a lot.
When does this happen? Does it happen at other religious festivals?
Or does it coincide with family events such as parties which he wants to get out of?
How many times has he been at the grave in the last 6 months, say?

ReadersD1gest · 03/04/2023 16:19

BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:32

@Mangogogogo ive not said whether it is or isnt because it can be quite outing for me.

Why is that 'totally'unreasonable anyway, explain yourself.

I do not have an issue with him visiting the grave at all, my gripe with the whole thing is it will be take up a large chunk of time, over half the day, at dd first.

How can it be outing unless you're the only one celebrating?!
Is it Glastonbury? 😂

Hopehelps · 03/04/2023 16:26

Zwicky · 03/04/2023 13:42

Is Eid outing? Can’t think of any festival that is outing, except maybe Festivus and the OP is Estelle Costanza

Zwicky - thank you for that. Shaking with laughter. Brings back the whole backstory of the young scriptwriter who told the Seinfeld team about his family’s Festivus ritual and they were so gobsmacked they insisted he tell all so they could put it in the series.
but I digress… track him OP and don’t be coy about which festival it is.

momtoboys · 03/04/2023 16:28

I would be livid.

80s · 03/04/2023 16:28

Your oh can't stand your brother and his family and has no interest in the celebration?

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2023 16:29

My gran who I was close to, died over ten years ago and I've never been to the grave, don't feel bad about it. So I find it odd he wants to visit the grave of someone he didn't see that much or even like.

I like Zombie's advice best. Tell him you have decided you want to celebrate the baby first thing another day and would be happy to accompany him to the grave and go for a nice meal afterwards, before the long journey home. See the look on his face.

daisychain01 · 03/04/2023 16:32

Mysterious festival is the new Mysterious hobby.

on this one, why do you care what people on there think.

only you know

  • if your DH has visited the grave before so not unusual behaviour, but hasn't pulled this stunt before on going on a special occasion that you've presumably been planning
  • if your DH holds any significance with the Festival
  • if your DH is normally a caring husband.

if he's acting out of character going on a 6 hr round trip (must be around 500 miles), then you have your answer, he's being massively selfish and weird.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 03/04/2023 16:35

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

Exactly my thoughts

Cinderellaspumpkin · 03/04/2023 16:48

@BananasP surely the main thing is why he repeatedly wished his cousin dead ?! That's not normal behaviour and actually very concerning.

CheshireCat1 · 03/04/2023 16:57

You need to make it clear to him on how his actions are effecting you and your marriage in a negative way. Perhaps he visits the grave a lot through guilt because of the nasty things he said about his cousin and that he wished him dead. If this is the case he probably needs grief counselling because this behaviour isn’t normal, prioritising visits to a graveside over his family. You both need to sit down and have a serious discussion.

Wingingit11 · 03/04/2023 16:59

Sorry OP but sounds exactly like my XH when he was having an affair. The disregard for your feelings and will to operate as a family unit is bad enough though:

lv884 · 03/04/2023 17:03

Sorry OP but it’s difficult to comment without knowing the festival. It could be anything as the word conjures up images of a few things for me. Also, while I personally think he’s being very difficult I think maybe his behaviour would be less inexplicable of he comes from a culture where death is treated in a different way to my own. This is the case with my in-laws, for example. My husband remembers anniversaries of deaths of his friends’ relatives better than their birthdays and always calls them on the day. He doesn’t necessarily on their birthday. I definitely think there’s more to this than meets the eye. Definitely no guilt/penance about how he spoke about his relative when he was alive? If not more to it (and it is something like Eid he’ll be missing), he’s being very unreasonable.

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