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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
LongTimeListener1 · 04/04/2023 18:56

BananasP · 03/04/2023 15:21

Seriously, the people saying hes having an affair need to chill out, hes really not , well 99% sure hes not. More likely to be to avoid family life previous posters have said. But this is taking the actual piss, there is no logic to what hes doing.

As for not mentioning the festival, yes it will be outing because of the details ive already mentioned on the OP. I've spoken to people in RL about this and I know they are on MNs.

To make it clear the festival has absolutely nothing to do with visiting the dead or celebrating death or whatever. I totally understand dd with have no understanding of the celebration or remember anything, but it would be nice to spend it as a family together.

I don’t know how long you’ve been on MN but I can’t remember the last time I saw a thread about a partner going on a six hour drive to visit a grave on a festival instead of attending their kid’s first something. I don’t think your supposed RL friends on MN are waiting to find out which festival it is before putting two and two together.

Poodles23 · 04/04/2023 19:00

Agree

TheShellBeach · 04/04/2023 19:01

Anyone else think this is the oddest thread they've seen on MN?+

AmIEnough · 04/04/2023 19:02

Mid life crisis!! Nuf said

Justontherightsideofnormal · 04/04/2023 19:04

@TheShellBeach I find that when people put half a story on mn so as not to "out" themselves it is almost not worth putting a post on at all! This one barely makes sense...... I am still waiting to hear what the festival is 😂

worried4698643 · 04/04/2023 19:04

This thread is as painful as pulling teeth.

Op we are hung Up on which festival it is because it make a difference to whether he is being unreasonable

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/04/2023 19:05

If it’s Easter, I really don’t think baby’s first Easter is a thing/big deal. And I say that as a strong, practising Christian who makes a massive deal of Easter. If it’s a different festival, fair enough.

DogInATent · 04/04/2023 19:17

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

How's the relationship between him and your brother's family? It does seem like an elaborate ruse to avoid them for the visit during the day, and then be back for the evening meal with yourself and your daughter.

To see it from a different direction. Your daughter's first celebration of X isn't significant enough for you to make it about your immediate family and not do the usual visit to your brother and his family.

DogInATent · 04/04/2023 19:19

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/04/2023 19:05

If it’s Easter, I really don’t think baby’s first Easter is a thing/big deal. And I say that as a strong, practising Christian who makes a massive deal of Easter. If it’s a different festival, fair enough.

Easter, Ramadan and Pesach all fall fairly close this year.

MacarenaMacarena · 04/04/2023 19:21

Get a friend/private detective to follow him there, or a friend in that town to watch the grave and see if he arrives there... Probably won't, sorry...

oosha · 04/04/2023 19:22

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

@ReliantRobyn exactly what I thought!

SnozPoz · 04/04/2023 19:26

I'm team affair on this one. I definitely like the idea of the tracker.

Spottycarousel · 04/04/2023 19:31

VERY suspicious. I would bet money on him having another agenda in mind. I'd have him followed, personally.

Myneighbourskia · 04/04/2023 19:38

He's gone raving in Brighton.

Fluffmum · 04/04/2023 19:38

I don’t think he’s really going there

tachetastic · 04/04/2023 19:42

Rather than hiring a private detective (🙄), all of my family have the "Find My" app installed on our phones that allow us to see where each other are based on their phone's location.

Originally it was intended to allow us to make sure our kids were safe, and we all made our location available to be seen so the kids could find us when we were coming to pick them up, but I find it handy to know when people are about 30 minutes from home to plan supper. I guess it would also help to know whether your husband is in a graveyard or a motel on the M6 at any given point in time.

If he objects to the app, maybe that suggests he doesn't want you to know where he is.

WilsonMilson · 04/04/2023 19:56

As if he’s doing a 6 hour round trip to visit the grave of a cousin he didn’t even like.

I mean, come onnnnn! You can’t be that gullible, surely?!

Cherchez la femme!!

WilsonMilson · 04/04/2023 19:59

AirTag in the car!

pomers · 04/04/2023 20:03

Whatever he is doing I feel certain he isn’t visiting the grave

LuluBlakey1 · 04/04/2023 20:09

Hard to say without knowing what it is. I don't know how important festivals are really.

On the whole your OH is being ridiculous. His cousin is dead, certainly won't be waiting for/expecting your OH and will have no idea if your OH ever visits him again. In addition if you can't be bothered to even be nice when someone is alive, driving 3 hours to stand at a grave when they are dead is hypocritical.

Wonnle · 04/04/2023 20:38

I'm starting to think this ain't kosha

ShandaLear · 04/04/2023 20:40

If he’s not having an affair he’s up to something he doesn’t want you to know about. Since we’re batting small balls around big fields here, I’m going to put £5 on gay hook ups. That or he’s creating content on AllFans.

Leopardpj · 04/04/2023 20:44

Kenwoodmixitup · 03/04/2023 12:55

He has an alternative arrangement and a poor imagination.

This I'm afraid OP

Densol57 · 04/04/2023 20:48

Bored with the “half” story even to bother giving an input / yawn

Mrsgreen100 · 04/04/2023 20:58

Sounds like another woman tbh or man
very fishy
I would follow him