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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 03/04/2023 13:06

I'd call his bluff and go with. Also what is the first?? If its her birthday then I think yanbu but anything else is a bit...meh

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/04/2023 13:07

It's not the girls birthday it's the girls first time at whatever the celebration is.
And it is weird op hasn't said

ArcticSkewer · 03/04/2023 13:07

BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:03

No I doubt it's an affair. The other alternative would be for us to go with him, which he would be ok with, but why on earth would I want to take baby to spend our celebration at a graveyard. Just thinking about it is pissing me off

So how many times do you go with him on this six hour round trip?

If you say you want to go, no big deal, he just cancels his actual plans and meets another time.

Check the mileage

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 13:07

ExtraHotConsumeAtOwnRisk · 03/04/2023 13:05

Baby's first what?

That's really important. I suspect you've written this really carefully because you know that if you include what it is, people will say you are being unreasonable...

Is it important?

the OP says 'For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it'. So it's an ongoing thing he's indulging in, with a three hour drive each way. So disruptive to general family life.

Curiosity101 · 03/04/2023 13:08

Another vote here for it being used as a cover for something. Even if it's not an affair he's up to something.

Do you have live location turned on with your phones? DH and I have live location enabled 24/7... in this instance, I'd take a look every hour or so while he's away.

Zola1 · 03/04/2023 13:08

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/04/2023 13:07

It's not the girls birthday it's the girls first time at whatever the celebration is.
And it is weird op hasn't said

I think its probably Eid?

LlamaFace19 · 03/04/2023 13:08

BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:03

No I doubt it's an affair. The other alternative would be for us to go with him, which he would be ok with, but why on earth would I want to take baby to spend our celebration at a graveyard. Just thinking about it is pissing me off

Him saying you can come with doesn't mean it's not an affair. He could be bluffing. If he's genuinely not having an affair then he needs grief counselling as this reaction is not normal. Forgoing important events in his child's life to visit the grave of a relative he never saw and didn't like? Very very odd.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/04/2023 13:08

It's a peculiar first post anyway

Original poster
BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:09

@mum11970 not birthday, it's a festival/celebration.

@Hazelnuttella yes I have, I've always been supportive, still am but I feel like hes taking the piss now. He wont have any counselling, we've spoken about this, he doesn't think theres anything wrong.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 03/04/2023 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bonjovispjs · 03/04/2023 13:11

This is so weird. He had no contact with the cousin when he was alive and didn't particularly like him, but now he just has to go to the grave and on certain dates? 🤔 Definitely something dodgy going on here.

beAsensible1 · 03/04/2023 13:12

If you actually think he's going to the grave and not anything else, then maybe he's working through some or is feeling an overwhelming obligation that might need to be investigated.

Go with him and it might help give insight to what it actually is, maybe he is feeling immense guilt if he's actually visiting the grave that often.

letsmakepopcorn · 03/04/2023 13:14

Is this for Eid where family members visit the graves of family?

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2023 13:15

What are the festivities/ celebration? How much significance is it to your family? (Are you going to church/ place of workship?)

Could you compromise and do grave one day and celebration another over the bank holiday?

lemontrees22 · 03/04/2023 13:18

How long can you spend paying respects at a grave? Anyone?

I think the is post is a wind up...sorry OP.
A festival/ celebration? What?!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/04/2023 13:19

lemontrees22 · 03/04/2023 13:18

How long can you spend paying respects at a grave? Anyone?

I think the is post is a wind up...sorry OP.
A festival/ celebration? What?!

Indeed

Krumpet · 03/04/2023 13:21

Babies first festival?

Is the date that he wants to visit the grave the cousins birthday, anniversary?

There's more to this story. There's no way he had no contact whilst alive and now goes to the grave on specific dates. No way.

reverseferreting · 03/04/2023 13:22

What type of festival?

Mangogogogo · 03/04/2023 13:22

It’s probably Eid and the op knows if she says this everyone knows she is being totally unreasonable

AdobeWanKenobi · 03/04/2023 13:25

Have you posted about this before OP? The cousins grave thing is very familiar.

PurBal · 03/04/2023 13:26

Baby’s first…? I’m thinking anything from Easter to Glastonbury?

rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2023 13:27

Offer to go with him

Whichnumbers · 03/04/2023 13:29

He's having an affair

sadly its most probable explanation of his wish to have 6 hours away from family

peachgreen · 03/04/2023 13:29

Is this Eid? Isn't it expected that you visit graves of family on that date?

Whichnumbers · 03/04/2023 13:31

Offer to go with him

do this and wait for the excuses to arrive as to why you shouldn't come... and watch the look on his face and in his eyes