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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
Xarrie · 03/04/2023 13:31

Go with him

Original poster
BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:32

@Mangogogogo ive not said whether it is or isnt because it can be quite outing for me.

Why is that 'totally'unreasonable anyway, explain yourself.

I do not have an issue with him visiting the grave at all, my gripe with the whole thing is it will be take up a large chunk of time, over half the day, at dd first.

OP posts:
Zwicky · 03/04/2023 13:32

What’s the festival. If it’s Ching Ming I can see his point but still weird for a cousin you don’t like…
And babies don’t have a “first ching ming” like baby’s first Christmas.

if it’s Easter then no…he’s having an affair with someone who thinks he works away but manages to get “home” for public holidays.

Go with him. Bet he tells you not to. Quiet reflection and all that.

NettleTea · 03/04/2023 13:33

I dont know why people are saying a first Eid would be unreasonable. You wouldnt say that if it was first Christmas?
Eid is a massive thing in some families.

However I too suspect he has something else going on. Baby cant be too old. Maybe he is doing Eid elsewhere. Or Easter. Or whatever the festival is. He knows you have big plans so he is making the most that you are Very Unlikely to go with him, he has taken a gamble on that.

Have you ever been on these 6 hour trips? Because he offers doesnt mean that he really wants you to go. My ex would do this and then orchestrate an argument so that he could go alone. You dont even want to know what he was up to....

pleasehelpwi3 · 03/04/2023 13:33

Track him?
Or at least the car.
Only half joking

Comedycook · 03/04/2023 13:35

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

This was my first thought too.

MavisMcMinty · 03/04/2023 13:35

Your baby will have no clue what “first” festival she’s attending. She’d have no idea it was her first birthday either.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/04/2023 13:36

If it’s babies first celebration presumably they’re under a year old, baby won’t have a clue what’s going on. Can’t he just go early in the morning while you go to visit your brother and his family? If he left at 8am he could be back by 2pm leaving plenty of time to celebrate together, babies only have a short attention span so an afternoon of celebrating is surely plenty for the baby’s first.

Gablonz · 03/04/2023 13:36

More information needed.
What's the festival?
Does visiting graves of loved ones have something to do with the festival?
What are the cultural/religious norms of visiting graves?

I feel like you are deliberately withholding information to get people to agree with you.
I live in a Catholic country. I'm a Catholic myself but there's a huge difference in how people mark All Saints Day here compared to British Catholics (ie. not celebrated at all, some people might go to Mass etc). In this country Catholics traipse half way round the country to visit the graves of their loved ones on All Saints Day. If their deceased Mum is 3 hours away, that's where they will be going. If a child happens to have a birthday on that day it will be celebrated either wherever they happen to end up on that day, or on another day.
Even people who are no longer Catholic/don't believe etc. do this.

So again, what's the context to this story?

Mangogogogo · 03/04/2023 13:37

@BananasP Because on Eid people visit graves, therefore he would be expected to visit the grave of a dead family member?

LlamaFace19 · 03/04/2023 13:39

OP, can you then just confirm if it's Eid or not? Because that changes my view.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 13:40

Mangogogogo · 03/04/2023 13:37

@BananasP Because on Eid people visit graves, therefore he would be expected to visit the grave of a dead family member?

what about all his other trips to the grave?

LakeTiticaca · 03/04/2023 13:41

He didn't know or even like the cousin. Why would he want to take a 6 hour round trip to pay respects?
Very peculiar 🤔

Zwicky · 03/04/2023 13:42

Is Eid outing? Can’t think of any festival that is outing, except maybe Festivus and the OP is Estelle Costanza

OKFinally · 03/04/2023 13:42

Churches la femme.

OKFinally · 03/04/2023 13:43

Cherchez even……..

mishmisha · 03/04/2023 13:43

If it is, technically most Muslims treat it as a three day holiday, surely he could celebrate with his child then go to the grave another day.

Crumpleton · 03/04/2023 13:48

Does seem very odd, maybe something happened and he feels the need to make amends on that particular festival day.

How old is you DC?
Are they likely to remember the festival.

I'd be inclined to go with OH but not tell them until the morning of the trip when he's about to get into the car.

If he is up to no good his reaction will let you know.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/04/2023 13:54

How on earth can saying what the festival is be outing?

MarieRoseMarie · 03/04/2023 13:58

PinkyFlamingo · 03/04/2023 13:54

How on earth can saying what the festival is be outing?

I dunno. Eid’s not that popular, right?

Probably only a dozen or so people worldwide celebrate Eid AND have babies AND have cousins.

HalliwellManor · 03/04/2023 13:59

MarieRoseMarie · 03/04/2023 13:58

I dunno. Eid’s not that popular, right?

Probably only a dozen or so people worldwide celebrate Eid AND have babies AND have cousins.

Show quote history

🤣😂🤣

Squamata · 03/04/2023 14:03

Go with him. He'll be thoroughly pissed off. He's either having an affair or some kind of breakdown. Or maybe he doesn't like your brother's family?

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/04/2023 14:04

He didn't like the cousin, didn't spend any time with him, but he's made a ritual out of visiting his grave. Has he ever said why? I would be thinking he just likes long drives and that's his excuse.

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2023 14:05

MarieRoseMarie · 03/04/2023 13:58

I dunno. Eid’s not that popular, right?

Probably only a dozen or so people worldwide celebrate Eid AND have babies AND have cousins.

Show quote history

Huh?

TokyoSushi · 03/04/2023 14:06

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

My first thought too...