Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
matisses6fingers · 03/04/2023 14:06

Chuckydidit · 03/04/2023 12:52

Did he kill the cousin?

Pahahahaha

Sceptre86 · 03/04/2023 14:08

If he didn't have much of a relationship with his cousin whilst alive then he's a hypocrite. I'm from a pakistani culture and in my family at least we do go visit our dead on eid. I live 4 hours away from my family though and wouldn't be making that trip on eid to go to the graveyard but if I was already in Manchester I would go. We went to go visit my father in laws grave on dd2's first eid, she never got to meet him but he's still a huge part of our family and we honour him (graveyard is a 10 minute car journey).

He's being a deliberate annoyance and I absolutely would call it out.

SamPoodle123 · 03/04/2023 14:08

My first thought when reading this is he is having an affair. I would secretly follow him to see what he is really up to.

vatsucked · 03/04/2023 14:09

Eid is not a celebration where graves are routinely visited. He doesn’t need to go on Eid at all. But Eid is celebrated over three days and he could perhaps go on the third day of Eid and spend the first two days with his immediate living family.

allmyliesaretrue · 03/04/2023 14:09

You are both a bit doolally - you for making a deal of your baby's first Whatever-it-is, because they won't have a clue, and him for making these ridiculous pilgrimages for someone he didn't like or have a relationship with?

He wins, on balance. Nobody can be that batshit - can they?

I'd be very, very suspicious as he keeps doing it?

PrincessScarlett · 03/04/2023 14:10

Regardless of the whole baby's first, I just find it very odd that he wants to go on a 6 hour round trip to visit the grave of a cousin he wasn't even remotely close to or even liked.

WrongWayApricot · 03/04/2023 14:11

Baby firsts aren't always amazing tbh. If he hasn't missed other firsts and he's not missing the whole thing then I'd let it go.

Sounds like you're more annoyed that he keeps going to the grave, which would be confusing and frustrating given that he didn't get on with the cousin when they were alive. There I think yanbu.

Thenose · 03/04/2023 14:12

He's BU, obviously. However, you're also BU writing "baby's first" so many times without finishing the sentence.

MMMarmite · 03/04/2023 14:12

This makes no sense at all. Why is he travelling three hours to visit a grave of a non-immediate relative who he strongly disliked and didn't see in life? More backstory is needed!

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 14:16

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/04/2023 14:04

He didn't like the cousin, didn't spend any time with him, but he's made a ritual out of visiting his grave. Has he ever said why? I would be thinking he just likes long drives and that's his excuse.

some husbands sit on the toilet for half an hour to avoid family life and this guy has turned that into 6 hr car journeys.

Gotanygrapes84 · 03/04/2023 14:16

If this is for Eid OP then YABVVU.

Laiste · 03/04/2023 14:16

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day ...

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. ...

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first.

For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.

Ok, so, the cousin has been dead one year. He's marked the cousin's birthday and the one month after his death.
Questions:

How often is he actually going?

What is his reason for this next visit? Is it a special date or just random?

Could he be using it to get out of going to your brothers family?

Gotanygrapes84 · 03/04/2023 14:17

Also as someone who’s “baby’s firsts” were in the middle of the Covid lockdowns I can safely say the baby won’t care at all. Just have some cake at home.

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/04/2023 14:24

This could be any religious/cultural festival and is irrelevant. But if the poster were asking in December we would be assuming baby's first Christmas and I think a lot of the responses would be different.

I think the only thing to do is offer to go with him. Which is ridiculous and seems a waste of time for you and a shame for your family. But I think it would solidify any doubts about an affair, and allow you to support him with grieving process that he must be struggling with. When you tell family you won't be able to share with them that day it might mean they also discuss it with your husband and make him see sense.

User5464245 · 03/04/2023 14:25

Anyone else think it‘s probably not a cousin? That detail alone is massively outing so it makes no sense to include that while hiding things like which celebration it is. Sounds more like a parent (hence the harsh words/guilt) or maybe older close relative

CountZacular · 03/04/2023 14:26

Why does it matter if it’s Eid or celebrating the babies first burp? The point is he’s off on these regular 6 hour jaunts to visit his cousin’s grave who he didn’t even like very much and OP wants him to be available for this occasion and he’s refusing. She’s allowed to ask him to be available for some events and expect that he will actually prioritise the living over the affair partner the dead.

TheShellBeach · 03/04/2023 14:27

Why would people think the OP was being unreasonable if the festival was Eid?

Why does the DH go to visit the grave of a cousin he actively disliked?

Why is the OP being so mysterious?

I bet none of these questions will have been answered, even if the thread gets to 1,000 posts.

Bananananas · 03/04/2023 14:28

6 hours out the house? He's having an affair

DrManhattan · 03/04/2023 14:30

Epic drip feed coming. He's either leading a double life, drug / substance abuse issues, gambling or just enjoying time by himself away from baby and family. Who knows???

Laiste · 03/04/2023 14:34

Cousin's been dead a year.

OP has only given 2 specific instances of him going to the grave.

Maybe it's more often maybe it's not. I think we'll never know Hmm

pontipinemum · 03/04/2023 14:37

It sounds odd to me. Whatever the festival/ celebration is it is obviously important. Why can't he go another day?

LaurieFairyCake · 03/04/2023 14:42

Well I don't think he has any sort of 'double life' - he's just controlling and wants to spoil your fun. He's doing it because he has some warped idea that you and your kid are controlling his time.

He's basically an arsehole

He doesn't love and respect your little girl in the way you do and he will do this every year up to and including her 5th birthday when she asks why Daddy isn't coming to her birthday

And by then the damage will be done

Popatop · 03/04/2023 14:44

He wants a big chunk of time away. He is using that as an excuse to get an uninterrupted 6hours to himself! What others have suggested is very likely….

ArdeteiMasazxu · 03/04/2023 14:44

If it's Eid then YABU because visiting family graves is an important part of some families' observation of Eid. The fact that OP is being coy about confirming whether it is Eid makes this more likely because OP knows that if Eid was mentioned at the start, everyone who knew this would say YABU right away.

If this is the case then it's not like the whole day will be by the grave side but presumably there's grandparents/other cousins etc living nearby and there is the opportunity for a great family gathering. The day will be very special and will still be a precious "baby's first Eid" but offering prayers by the graveside is just a part of that celebration. As time goes by there will of course be more graves and sometimes different places to be

Calculater · 03/04/2023 14:46

Is he close to the cousin's immeadiate family? I can see supporting e.g. my uncle, the cousin's father with something like this, even if I didn't get along with the cousin.

If going to graves is a bigger thing for this festival than spending time with children (e.g. it's not like Christmas) it's not unreasonable, but if there's not a stong connection with the deceased it is odd.

What were the dates for the other grave trips? Also dates when he might be expected to be available to a partner/family?