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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
ToWhitToWhoo · 04/04/2023 20:59

Sounds to me as though, for good or bad reasons, your OH REALLY doesn't want to spend time at the celebration and is using the visit to the grave on that day as an excuse to get out of it. Is there some family tension, or does it involve a religious identity that he does not share?

Mrsgreen100 · 04/04/2023 21:00

My ex used to do weird stuff like this
long story but this stuff sounds familiar
check his phone and email

Ameanstreakamilewide · 04/04/2023 21:35

Chuckydidit · 03/04/2023 12:52

Did he kill the cousin?

😂

Ameanstreakamilewide · 04/04/2023 21:48

Zwicky · 03/04/2023 13:42

Is Eid outing? Can’t think of any festival that is outing, except maybe Festivus and the OP is Estelle Costanza

😂

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/04/2023 21:53

If he isn't having an affair the. The other option is he just waits for you to leave then goes home again and sits on his arse all day watching football or something

CovidCath · 04/04/2023 22:29

Haven’t read whole thread but is this a travelling family??

gillefc82 · 04/04/2023 22:43

If the child is 1 you aren’t making an issue out of this for their benefit as frankly, they won’t remember their Dad being present or not. Everyone grieves in different ways. Maybe it’s a cultural/religious obligation he feels he is under, so regardless of his personal feelings/relationship with his cousin when alive, he feels he has to do the right thing regardless.

Is there anyway you could embrace this? Join him on the trip? Have your family unit start your own tradition where you, husband and child make the trip and then go somewhere/do something as a family to recognise the occasion?

TheShellBeach · 04/04/2023 23:03

CovidCath · 04/04/2023 22:29

Haven’t read whole thread but is this a travelling family??

I actually wondered that, too.

Waspalert · 04/04/2023 23:08

Is he a traveller? Often, in the travelling community paying respects to the dead can take priority over other things.

T1Dmama · 05/04/2023 01:10

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

How bizarre!

He doesn’t really sound like he liked his cousin much, Why on earth would you miss a child’s birthday to visit a grave?! My friend lost her OH when their DD was 2, she visits his grave a day either side of birthdays, Father’s Day etc…. Because the occasion should be celebrated by the living.

Aliiiiiib · 05/04/2023 01:45

If it helps OP, I don’t think he’s having an affair. I highly doubt he’s visiting alone and probably stopping by aunt/ uncles house during each of these visits. Maybe he’s going as more of an obligation to the wider family. It is still shitty of him though and I feel for you. DD is probably less than 6 months so will likely be napping a lot of the day so he’ll easily miss her being in her nice outfit and making those memories. Thoughtless of him but try not to let it ruin your day and enjoy it with her yourself, make sure you get your family to get lots of pics of the 2 of you 🤍

also next time this comes up, maybe point out to him that it may be bordering on Shirk to visit on death anniversaries religiously, I don’t think it’s written anywhere to do this.

Melodybogwot · 05/04/2023 04:08

How long ago has his cousin passed away? Could he be feeling guilty about what he said?
If he told you you're welcome to go with him, could you go aswell, Just once? I'm not sure he's having an affair like or others said, but grief can effect people differently.

habiller · 05/04/2023 07:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

LovelyIssues · 05/04/2023 09:08

I don't believe he's visiting the grave. Sorry OP.

devilsice123 · 05/04/2023 11:12

Why don’t you offer to go with him, it sounds suss to me to be honest.

Gablonz · 05/04/2023 11:57

Waspalert · 04/04/2023 23:08

Is he a traveller? Often, in the travelling community paying respects to the dead can take priority over other things.

Yes, could be. But the OP won't provide any context to the situation and I got "challenged" by another poster for asking for context because apparently context isn't relevant.
It most definitely is relevant. If there's a religious or cultural reason for it, it puts a whole different light on it. The OP said there was no religious significance to it, but it could be culturally significant.

Bugbabe1970 · 05/04/2023 15:52

ReliantRobyn · 03/04/2023 12:42

He's having an affair

😁my first thought also!

NinaJanina · 05/04/2023 20:29

Put a tracker on his car!!

ReadersD1gest · 05/04/2023 20:39

Bugbabe1970 · 05/04/2023 15:52

😁my first thought also!

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What would be entertaining about that? Your little smiley is a bit inappropriate?

BornBlonde · 05/04/2023 21:38

I think it's really suspicious.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 06/04/2023 13:50

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 03/04/2023 14:16

some husbands sit on the toilet for half an hour to avoid family life and this guy has turned that into 6 hr car journeys.

Show quote history

😄

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