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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

259 replies

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:38

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/04/2023 08:40

Did you ask them?

Also, do you have a partner? If so they shouldn’t be leaving to all to you seven days a week.

Easterfunbun · 03/04/2023 08:41

People have different experiences and capacities for motherhood. Some don’t find it that hard, some get severe PND, it’s all so variable. But no, the onus was really on you to reflect on this prior to having a baby. I mean I’m sure no one sets out thinking it’s all just going to be incredibly easy?

BCBird · 03/04/2023 08:41

Would you have believed them think many people,thing, oh I will be different. I suppose now u know the reality at least if you decide to have another, you will know what to expect. Hope your child has a nap later

Meandfour · 03/04/2023 08:42

Not everyone’s experience is the same so it may be for your family and friends that they didn’t feel the same way as you.
I’ve never felt the need to warn anybody.

on the other hand; you get people complaining all the time that people give them “horror stories” so people probably can’t win anyway.

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:42

Not easy no, of course not. I think it's the cumulative effect of being tired. And yes DH should do more, but that is easier said than done. Don't get me wrong I feel incredibly naive and stupid!

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 03/04/2023 08:42

I think it's a fine balance. A good friend just had a baby - much wanted after a number of losses and a TFMR at 20 weeks. We met up a few weeks before she gave birth, was I going to spend the all time slagging off what it's like to have a child when she was already super anxious? No. That wouldn't really have been sensitive to how she was feeling. But I made it clear that I was always around if she needed to chat at any point. Do you have other children with babies or an NCT group? I found people who were stuck in the weeds with me invaluable.

Number24Bus · 03/04/2023 08:43

To be honest OP, I think lots of us kind of ignore the relevant information until it's too late! Are you new to mumsnet? If not then surely you've seen lots of threads about this?

FriendsDrinkBook · 03/04/2023 08:43

I don't think it's appropriate to tell others horror stories about having small children , especially if they're already pregnant.

Xjshdvf · 03/04/2023 08:44

I think they look back with rose tinted glasses; so many people say about how great it was and that always makes me feel bad but now my DC are coming out of the baby years I sometimes forget about how hard it was.
I was the first within my friendship group to have a baby which made it harder as I didn’t know the reality but as everyone had babies it was nice to all be able to share how we found it

Easterfunbun · 03/04/2023 08:44

@Whydoievenbother

Take it easy on yourself. I think that’s a key issue here. It is bloody tough doing a lot of it on your own. Your DH does need to step up.

MuffinToSeeHere · 03/04/2023 08:44

I tried once to be honest with an expecting friend and everyone accused me of being negative and melodramatic.

People only want to hear the nice bits and don't take in any comments about how hard it can be.
Nevertheless you partner should be stepping up and thinking it's easier said than done is a huge part of your problem.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 03/04/2023 08:44

No one can prepare you, though.

Even after having my first, I was woefully unprepared for the demon-child that was my second.

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:44

I guess now I'm very blunt in telling people what it's really like if they're thinking about it, so I wonder why people aren't more open about it. I'm just sitting here reflecting on things.

OP posts:
Easterfunbun · 03/04/2023 08:45

@FriendsDrinkBook

True. First pregnancies are so special. It would be cruel to piss on someone’s parade at that time in their life.

Wedoronron · 03/04/2023 08:45

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:42

Not easy no, of course not. I think it's the cumulative effect of being tired. And yes DH should do more, but that is easier said than done. Don't get me wrong I feel incredibly naive and stupid!

You're not naive and stupid. Your DH is lazy, sexist and selfish.

SoupDragon · 03/04/2023 08:45

If everyone had said "it was so exhausting! never ending! Total nightmare! You're in for a big shock ...Etc etc" then parents-to-be would complain about all the negativity.

no, people don't forget. Surely it's not a surprise that a baby/small child requires a lot of care and attention though? I don't think you can ever be fully prepared for looking after your first child as there is no other event that requires a huge physical effort followed by months of sleep deprivation.

Easterfunbun · 03/04/2023 08:46

@Whydoievenbother

But I loved my first pregnancy and baby. Loved it. I just couldn’t wait to get pregnant and have another baby and do it all over again. Life did change after baby number 2 and I wasn’t quite so enthusiastic again 😜. But what im saying is it’s not terrible for everyone, particularly if they have a lot of help from their husbands.

mumonthehill · 03/04/2023 08:46

Honestly it is really hard, but some find different ages harder than others. I coped ok with baby and toddler but have found the teenage years much more exhausting.

Lcb123 · 03/04/2023 08:47

Everyone is different in how they experience it. But I don’t think a friend would start being very negative about parenthood whilst you’re pregnant. Maybe you need to reframe your thinking about it, and appreciate the positives. A lot of people would love to be parents and can’t.

GoldenCagedBird · 03/04/2023 08:47

If they would have given you the horror stories, you wouldn’t have thought they were socially inept dicks.

They also may not have any horror stories. Everyone has different cups. Someone with a DH who is an active parent, family help, a cleaner, etc. will have a much bigger cup to pour from than you.

GoldenCagedBird · 03/04/2023 08:48

Would have thought*

FKATondelayo · 03/04/2023 08:48

Sorry you are having a hard time. Toddlerhood is relentless and shit - I remember having a full on nervous breakdown on the high street. Toddler screaming, me in tears and snapping at anyone trying to help. It's awful. They are now tweens and teens and it is so much better.

That said, I don't think even the most idealistic of parents have ever given the impression that having toddlers is easy.

I don't have any advice really - do you have a partner? Is the toddler in childcare for some of the time. I used to absolutely love going to work when mine were little. (Unpopular view)

Badbudgeter · 03/04/2023 08:49

I had twins who took it in turns to sleep. I have blocked out their early years/ my memory of that time period is awful as I was so sleep deprived.

Sleep deprivation is torture. Whatever you can do to get sleep is the right thing. Skip cleaning/ cooking ask others to pick up the slack and rest. Life always seems better after a solid sleep.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 03/04/2023 08:49

What could they have said? What do you say and do you think it truly gets it across to them?

Polik · 03/04/2023 08:49

My first time pregnant work college has made the point several times she does not want to hear horror stories about how hard it'll be.

I just think - fair enough, it'll likely hit you harder because you're not mentally prepared.