Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

[Whydoievenbother]

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

I enjoyed one. I slept when she did etc. Two was a killer. So sleep deprived. I’ll never forget how hard I found that.

My advice is get out of the house every day. If I’d have been in the house all day, I’d have gone loopy.

Even when people do tell you how awful it is you don’t really believe them!!!

I’ve had 4 and having a baby and young children in general is brutal BUT my youngest is now 3 and we’ve made it out alive. There were days when all of us cried to be fair but those days seem a distant memory and it’s mostly fun nowadays!!

I found it fine when I wasn’t working as it was easier than my job. The combination of work and very young children was utterly exhausting, especially with the guilt on top.

Some women have a more pro-active DH than yours sounds, so they may be sharing more of the parenting role, getting more sleep, getting time alone to pursue hobbies etc.

Surely you can recognise how transformative it would be to have a parent who properly shares the child raising burden with you and does all the necessary housework and shopping etc to support that role?

Perhaps if you spoke to your DH and explained that he needs to do more and he actually stepped-up, you wouldn't feel so stressed/tired/annoyed and you would enjoy the baby years more.

We can’t win.

Those who found it hard would never say that to a pregnant woman - why bother, she’s already pregnant and will be having the baby whatever!

Then for those of us who found it easy, we get a swarm of people calling us smug or saying we MUST have forgotten how hard it was… Yes, there were days when things were slightly more frantic but mostly it was a round of baby groups, meeting friends, going out and about with the baby and then back to work, moving onto toddler groups and preparing for a second. I loved being pregnant, enjoyed the baby and toddler stage and (touch wood) haven’t had teens that have been too difficult.

Maybe I’m lucky (?) but not everyone thinks parenting is a slog of nappies and sleepless nights although the worrying never stops, I can tell you that!

This. Absolutely this.

Lay the blame at the correct door.

You're finding it hard because you're doing it on your own. So, the problem isn't the baby, it's their father.

It is spoken about. There's endless posts on mn, on social media not to mention all the memes!. And people complain when they are going through it as you are (usually to other people who have kids for mutual understanding) Plus most people spend time with other children before they have kids. It also massively depends on the child, the parents, the support network, other responsibilities and financial needs. I found having my dd in my early 20's much easier than having my ds in my late 30's.

People say how hard it is all of the time but unless you experience it first hand you can’t possibly ever begin to understand how difficult it is.

It always makes me laugh on here when a childless person expects someone with a child to be just slightly busier than them and that their life is busy too.
Some people just don’t get that some parents don’t physically have the time for some things.

I found being a parent incredibly difficult and I only had 1 child because of it.
I was a teenage single parent with no help which made it harder but I never expected to be as hard as it was.

I always remember that it was hard but not how hard it actually was, so yes people do forget too.

I look back and think why did I not appreciate the baby stage more - it’s easy to think that now but at the time I was sleep deprived, had PND and hadn’t showered for days.

My colleague came into work the other day with black bags under her eyes and burst out crying randomly because she was so tired and I forgot how much I used to cry everyday because I was sleep deprived and struggled to cope.

Well, quite. What would you have had them say, op?
How would it have helped?

I also agree with this.

As a single parent I would have given anything for the father to have been involved.

Your child has a father present but he’s just not being a good parent.

You cannot be mad at everyone else when he is the problem.

Can you explain how he isn’t involved more?
Have you spoken to him about it?

People did tell me, I've heard it all my life. From family, friends, work colleagues. How unbelievably tired you can be. But I never really took it in. Compared to some friends who have also recently had babies I do feel I was probably more aware of how difficult it would be, but I still did not comprehend it!

But rose tinted glasses are a huge issue too!! DS is 8 months, the first few weeks were so hard. He fed for up to 12 hours a day (well some of it he slept latched). Would only sleep on me. I was stuck on the couch mostly alone. People said enjoy the baby snuggles, I wanted to scream I'd enjoy 5 minutes of using my own hands! But now I am already looking back thinking "aw wasn't it lovely sitting on the couch cuddling DS and he wasn't trying to ninja roll out of my arms 5 seconds after he finishes feeding"

I found it mind numbingly boring which is why we hired a nanny and I went back to work after 12 weeks. But then I guess everybody has a differing experiences.

My only advice is to try and get some help. That way you can catch up on your sleep.

'Let down' by whom?
Why is it the wider world's fault? It sounds as though you are transferring the resentment you feel towards your DP for not doing his bit towards everyone else.
We all have different experiences. If anything, I think people are too inclined to terrify new parents with how bad it's going to be. That's how it was for me, anyway but at least I had a pleasant surprise when both mine were quite easy-going.

Because no-one would believe you.
Because all children/parents are different and some have it easier/some cope better than others.

And where is the father in all this? Does he help?

No I certainly haven't forgotten how exhausting it is. When I see parents trying to wrangle toddlers I just feel enormous relief that I don't have to do that anymore. I still remember dry heaving because I felt so tired and so dizzy I didn't dare walk upstairs holding DC. My friend has just become a GM at the age of 49 and she's paid for her daughter to have a maternity nurse and it's been incredibly beneficial for everyone. It's certainly something I will consider doing for DD if she needs one.

Yes, you do forget. But also, people don't want to hear it before they have any. And when you tell them, they don't really listen, or understand .

You can't claim to be unaware that having a baby is hard! It's not like we haven't all said it, a million times. You were told, you just didn't hear it.

The problem is you could tell people until you’re blue in the face and they don’t want to hear it.

My mum repeatedly told me not to have a second child as it would be really hard and I didn’t listen to her at all. Then I ended up with twins and she’d been absolutely right!

She still likes to say I told you so now! Although no one could’ve predicted twins!

My DC are now 6 and 8 and I found the newborn years exhausting. But what was even more exhausting were the mums who constantly tried to put a brave face on it and wouldn't admit their baby was up in the night, not feeding etc. it's the reason I didn't do baby groups with second child. I'm a very honest person but lots of people see it as a failure if they admit things are hard.

The thing is, people do tell you but you have no concept of what it's actually like to be a parent until you are one. It's a completely different experience to anything else. Also, once you have that urge to have a baby I don't think anyone would be put off by someone telling them 'It's really fucking hard, they don't sleep and they need you all the time.' You'd just think, well I'll just get on with it. And then it is really fucking hard, but you do just get on with it.

I didn't really enjoy having a baby or toddler, but preschoolers are much better.

You need to tell your partner he's taking over so you can escape/sleep/whatever. Don't hint and martyr yourself, tell him.

In answer to the question of whether people with older children forget - yes! Only the cute bits remain in my memory, the exhaustion has been filtered out. I no longer fully appreciate the hard work of small children, now mine are all teenage or older

I'm just guessing but OP can't possibly mean that pregnant women should be told?!

I think maybe people who really want them don't hear the negativity. I always thought it sounds hellish, then people said "when your friends have them, you'll change your mind". Actually, when my friends had them, it made me realise even more that it wan't for me.

Equally, some people absolutely love it. So ...I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP. I reckon things will improve for you but your DH definitely needs to parent as well.

I think rather than “get out of the house” or “do groups and classes”, the best advice is “find what works for you to get through it”. I found getting out of the house quite faffy with a baby who pooed relentlessly, fed relentlessly, hated the pram, and got very overstimulated and screamy when out and about. Ditto baby classes: she just screamed or pooed or fed, v stressful so I didn’t make the promised friends; and my NCT group were a bunch of witches.

I found it all much easier once I decided “fuck it, going out is overrated”. DD calmed down because home was an effective sensory deprivation chamber, I could tend to my knackeredness after a night of hourly wakings by not getting dressed, food was easier because I had places to put her down, it was all easier. I got my people fix on the internet, including a long-running thread on the sleep board.

Figure out what’s missing - for some it’s human company, some it’s a clean house, some it’s using their brain Vs singing wheels on the bus ten times in a row - and whether your baby can cope with the fix. I found a neat, clean house made me feel less shit so we got a cleaner, and I read books during nap time instead of doing chores, because I needed to engage my brain. Someone else would do things entirely differently and that’s OK! Parent the baby you have in the situation you’re in.

I think it's more likely that before you had a baby, when friends and family were venting about finding it difficult, you're thinking "Oh come on, it can't be that hard, I'm sure I'll manage fine!"

I felt like all anybody ever did when I was pregnant with my first was tell me how hard and shitty motherhood was! “Better sleep now, because you won’t get any when the baby’s here!” It really put a downer on things tbh and it ended up coming as a big shock when I found out that motherhood was hard but also lovely. Fortunately now I’m having my second everyone seems to leave me alone.

If anyone asks me my opinion now I tell them it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, but not to feel guilty on the days you genuinely want to punt them out the window because it’s totally normal and we all feel like that sometimes.

I haven't forgotten the exhaustion. Just yesterday I was coo-ing over a newborn baby and said to the mother are you exhausted? And she replied with a huge sigh and a defeated slump of her shoulders!

but re forgetting - I was so exhausted - single parent with two babies - that I literally don't remember any details - I think I didn't have enough sleep to physically process and lay down memories. Forgetting might be an actual physical thing