Page 4 | Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

WonderingWanda · 03/04/2023 09:24

I'm curious what you are now telling childless people about motherhood? And do you think they are really listening to you or just thinking quietly to themselves "Crikey @Whydoievenbother 's a bit of a drama queen, it won't be like that when I'm a parent" I am almost certain it'll be the latter, people will convince themselves they can do it better. We've all been there.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/04/2023 09:25

Honestly some people find it harder than others. I have friends who sailed through and friends who struggled - I never could have predicted which ones would take to it like ducks to water. I found the first 10 months easier than expected, but the phase from 12-18 months more difficult.

I don't think you can prepare, tbh, so you may as well wait and find out whether you cope easily or not.

dottiedodah · 03/04/2023 09:26

Everyone is different ,thats the thing . Babies are hard work at first .Sleep deprivation doesnt help. Can you take turns at WE for lie ins? It does get easier!Nothing really prepares you for it .Try not to compare to your "old"life though .This is reality for now .Go easy on yourself ,quick easy meals ,get hubby hoovering ,and try to stay on top of washing .Everything else can wait.

Eatentoomanyroses · 03/04/2023 09:27

Well it’s worth it so there’s no point telling people and being negative. Children give you so much love. It outweighs all the crap. Not all babies are quite as wearing as others and some people have a lot of help etc. I didn’t have much help and both of mine were/ are very demanding.

CheeseMunchies · 03/04/2023 09:28

I think like others have said, it's a combination of some people looking back with rose tinted glasses, some people having different experiences and others not wanting to put a downer on your pregnancy.

My experience is different to yours because at this point (I have a 4 month old) I am finding it much easier than I thought and am loving my new life. I'm not gloating, just how I feel and I realise that might change as my baby gets older!

I felt less prepared for the physical impact pregnancy had on my body and how it is still suffering. I wish I had prior warning about that.

KittyAlfred · 03/04/2023 09:28

I’m sorry you’re knackered OP. It does get better. Well the sleep aspect gets better, but of course it’s replaced by other issues!

I’m not sure what circles you move in, but as long as I can remember I heard people saying how tough and relentless the baby/toddler years were. Of course we’re all programmed to ignore it and think we’ll be OK, because otherwise the species would die out. But I remember hearing about it all the time. And the teens too - people always say how hard that is.

just keep reminding yourself that it will end. You will be getting full nights sleep again.

BellePeppa · 03/04/2023 09:29

It’s one of those things where you can be fully aware it’s going to be hard but actually living it is still a hundred times harder. Even if people had warned you it really wouldn’t have made it any easier. People (if they’re wanting a family or are expecting their first) don’t tend to like others telling them how hard it is as it can come across as either smug/patronising or raining on your parade so they’re probably reluctant to say it anyway.

jenandberrys · 03/04/2023 09:29

In the nicest possible way, all that parents of young babies do, is bang on about how exhausted they are and how hard it is. Unless you previously lived in a cave I cannot see how you missed this.

piscesangel · 03/04/2023 09:29

Agree with pp that people do actually talk about how difficult it is - it's just before you have your own it's so hard to comprehend the magnitude of the change to your life that you don't take it in. I know that's what happened with me - and I don't mean that as any criticism op - my first was hard work and I struggled a lot

Laiste · 03/04/2023 09:29

Who is it that you expected to tell you OP?

And if you had been told before you were pregnant would it have stopped you having kids?

For what it's worth I wish it was more commonly talked about that labour and birth is total horrific agony for some women, rather than all this talk about light a scented candle, have a nice dressing gown to put on and ''puff'' through the contractions as if blowing a way a feather - or some such bollocks! A bit more brutal truth might stop the sheer panic and thinking you're about to die in the next hour if more women knew to expect it! If it's not that bad in the end then - bonus 👌

The actual childrearing bit is a much longer time frame and a lot more to do with personal circs. How your life is organised, good patches/bad patches, how good your kids are, how much you enjoy routine, how much you value being 'free', how much support you get, your money situation, space, ect ect. Lots of different things. I had 3 under 5 at one point, but i enjoyed it!

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/04/2023 09:32

Because its different for everyone. With my 1st i didn't have the level of tiredness you describe, of course i had breaks from baby, me and my dp had nights away and baby went to grandparents etc, i didn't find it that much of a lifestyle change as baby just fitted into our life for the most part

PippaF2 · 03/04/2023 09:32

I can relate OP! I felt exactly the same. Almost angry that no one told me!

raincamepouringdown · 03/04/2023 09:33

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:42

Not easy no, of course not. I think it's the cumulative effect of being tired. And yes DH should do more, but that is easier said than done. Don't get me wrong I feel incredibly naive and stupid!

Then lay it out for him. Your job isn't 24/7 while his ends when he leaves his office/job/etc. He needs to do his half of the mornings/evenings/weekends. His half. Not 'helping' you, but his half.

Stop accepting his excuses. You're just as tired as he is.

Sugargliderwombat · 03/04/2023 09:34

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:44

I guess now I'm very blunt in telling people what it's really like if they're thinking about it, so I wonder why people aren't more open about it. I'm just sitting here reflecting on things.

Everyone was far far too open with me. I got told every day how much I'd hate motherhood and how I had no idea what was coming. I hated it and it had a real impact on my mental health in pregnancy. Please don't trauma dump on people in the future, it doesn't help either. I think it's just hard and nothing anyone does before birth helps except practical advice. I hung onto a friends advice to remember that everything is a season, whatever is hard at the moment will pass.

Sugargliderwombat · 03/04/2023 09:35

jenandberrys · 03/04/2023 09:29

In the nicest possible way, all that parents of young babies do, is bang on about how exhausted they are and how hard it is. Unless you previously lived in a cave I cannot see how you missed this.

🤣🤣🤣 this too, I mean you just have to look at my face to realise its hard bloody work.

pinksheetss · 03/04/2023 09:36

It all depends on so many different variables as to someone's experience.

How much help do you have?

I was extremely lucky with my daughter (14 months now) so far she's been a dream, I have a partner who does exactly what a partner should and I have parents who live nearby and watch her a couple of hours two evenings a week to allow us both to continue with a hobby that really helps us feel ourselves

I have friends who find it more difficult and with babies who need a bit more attention.
I'm by no means being ignorant with my experience though and know it can change at any minute as she gets older

What I'm trying to say is no one can tell you what it's like because no one would know what it's going to be like for YOU. We could have identical experiences and perhaps one of us would find it easier than the other just based off how we are as people ourselves

BeeDavis · 03/04/2023 09:37

So instead of sorting out the problem with your lazy husband, you blame everyone else for not letting you know how hard it is? I don’t understand what you wanted people to tell you it’s pretty obvious that it’s hard! Did you ever think it’s even harder having a husband who is just allowed to not do his fair share?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 03/04/2023 09:38

Some people have rose tinted glasses for things like this. Someone was telling my mum how her daughters are always arguing and my mum said she had no advice as her children never fought. She genuinely seemed to believe this when I have many memories of it not being this case and even of her completely losing her temper.

catsandkid · 03/04/2023 09:39

I disagree in some ways - as PP says above, if you know anyone with a baby/toddler/preschooler/even primary schooler(!) they are most likely talking about how hard it is constantly. People without kids just don't quite comprehend how exhausting and mentally draining it can be though, and assume we're overegging it! E.g., colleague with a newly turned 1yo recently explained to me that when she asked how my weekend was and I replied that I'd spent it chasing my toddler round the house for an hour trying to coax him into a coat, she assumed I was exaggerating and joking for lols. Now she understands that I was being totally truthful, and that it's actually not that funny at all! Ditto me saying to her that my poorly baby had woken 'every hour' one night... she assumed I was exaggerating - Again, nope! Poorly babies may truly wake hourly!

I found baby life very hard. My first was super hard (because it was new to me)... second baby slightly more chilled, but I think it was just easier because I'd adjusted already. It's genuinely difficult to explain to someone how relentless parenting can be - I can't find the language to really illustrate it!

My advice to you - listen to some parenting podcasts (Parenting Hell is v funny!) and you'll soon see that the world is full of parents telling it how it is, and actually seeing the funny side to it all. You will feel far less alone and also will get some perspective that kids do grow up, and what feels hard now isn't forever!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/04/2023 09:39

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:38

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

There are about five zillion mom bloggers all detailing the woes of parenthood. Did you do any research before deciding to conceive?

fairgame84 · 03/04/2023 09:40

You forget.

I've got an 18 year old and a 6 month old and it overwhelmed me when dc2 was born. Dc1 was an easier baby but I forgot how hard it actually was. The memories came back as I was struggling with dc2.
I think the time passes so fast when they are babies (although it drags at the time) that you forget and focus on the lovely bits.

Also no pregnant woman wants to hear how hard it is.

Gincan · 03/04/2023 09:43

I feel your pain op. My first was a nightmare, he had colic and would only sleep on me. Nothing anyone can say can really prepare you for it, it's so hard. But it does pass and it is worth it. One thing someone said to me that stuck with me was "don't worry, they make you laugh more than they make you cry" and it's true. It doesnt seem like it some times but the good parts do out weigh the bad parts in the end.

My second baby was the total opposite and slept like a dream so some people must have no idea!

Maray1967 · 03/04/2023 09:43

Albiboba · 03/04/2023 09:12

Oh 10000% people forget what it’s like.

MIL was appalled once when DD was rough with a baby book and was trying to chew it, she was only just sitting and 5 months. MIL tried to her me at that age DH sat really quietly and looked always held books the right way up looking at at the words! I was like oh fuck off he was not reading at 6 months.

But in terms of your AIBU yeah you’re unreasonable to feel let down because you don’t think other parents warned you enough! It’s not on them to make sure you’re prepared to be a parent.
Most people who aren’t thinking about a baby or maybe newly pregnant are just in their own bubble and don’t care. Which is fair enough. When I didn’t have kids why would I care that my coworker was always up in the night with her snotty toddler? I wasn’t interested in someone ranting about how hard it was to balance their life with work etc.

Then there are people who actively don’t want to hear anything negative!

What do you mean when you say you are really blunt to other people?
To be honestly I think we actually hear so much negativity around motherhood and children, it seems uncommon now to talk about how wonderful it is. That’s seen as fake, or insensitive or something.

Yes, I agree with this. I’ve had people suggest that I’m minimising what must have been some kind of trauma. What a load of nonsense!! The simple fact is that after the first few weeks of disturbed sleep with dS1 and first few months with DS2 it was mostly great! I don’t identify at all with the ‘how hard it is’ line of thought. I was so happy to have mine after such a long wait. Teen years - much more challenging…

ThatshallotBaby · 03/04/2023 09:44

I remember being in a supermarket with my 2yo and 4yo fighting over the ride on cars. Lying on the floor, wailing etc. I managed to drag them out with a few tuts and disapproving looks. One lady came up to me and said ‘Don’t you mind them, some people have very short memories’
So grateful to her!

RedRobyn2021 · 03/04/2023 09:46

You are not the only one to feel blind sided, I really do think people forget a lot of it.