Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

[Whydoievenbother]

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

and if I say that in many ways the teen years are worse? Does it help you to plan or just make you worry about something that might not happen as everyone has a slightly different experience?

When you say you're bluntly telling people what it's like - I think you need to remember you don't speak for us all. Having a newborn and her first two years were literally the happiest time in my life and for me the hardest time was around nine months. Newborn life with just one is very easy (when you have more and can look back!)

So the best we can do is educate ourselves and our children that having children MAY involve X and y. I'm always so surprised at the the posts asking what's wrong with a noisy newborn or why he won't sleep in his crib etc. So I agree some people are very naive.

Without sounding disrespectful OP, as I’m a new mum myself and about to have a second. But it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to warn you. When you decide to have a child it’s up to you to do your research and figure it out.

hang in there, it does get better I promise! X

People could have told me babies were shit-covered demons who’d destroy your life: I wouldn’t have heard it, I WANTED one.

I knew they woke up at night and sleep would be disrupted: I didn’t know it could be every 45 minutes. You can prepare all you like but what use is information like “it gets better once they stop pooing at night around eight weeks” (DD) if you get a baby who merrily carries on shitting himself twice a night at four months? Or “crying peaks at six weeks” – DD didn’t get that memo and nearly broke me. “Just use a sling to get things done” – true for DD, but DS hates it and will only nap in long walks in the pram, ideally when it’s raining.

I thought, having had DD the demon child, I was prepared for DS – but he’s turned out to be easy in different ways and difficult in different ways. And the big thing you can’t prepare for is: will your partner step up? Sounds like yours hasn’t. But my difficult, sleepless, EBF babies are and were made infinitely easier by a partner who settled them in the sling, did nappies, played with them, and took on the bulk of food shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, cleaning, life admin and keeping me in mountains of Dairy Milk to survive.

I have a 15 month old, I can tell you that my mother told me it was hard when I was pregnant but I never took her serious until I actually had my DS and realised. I don’t think it’s something anyone can prepare you for.

@Whydoievenbother

because people can't win.

• before someone's pregnant either they might not be interested At All or they may be upset because they're struggling with infertility and even those interested etc don't want to hear about the difficult bits of the 'dream' future.

already pregnant. It's a bit late & why stress them out?

people enjoy/dislike/hate different aspect if having babies, so it just sounds negative when that person might not feel the same.

people eventually forget just how difficult it can be, some never found it difficult.

people just don't want to hear it.

I could say to you 'Enjoy this phase, because it's lovely & you'll look back & miss it and wish you could di it again!'

it's true for many of us (but not all) however, I'm guessing you're thinking 'fuck off will you'.

I have a friend who is currently embarking on getting pregnant as a single parent. I have told them how hard it is, how mentally and physically draining it is. They struggle with stress and mental health issues so I felt I should at least try and convey how hard it can be so they can be prepared. The thing is, when you really want a baby, there’s not much anyone can say to make you change your mind. I’m sure you would probably have been the same.

And as others have said, when someone is already pregnant, it’s not really the time to be telling them how potentially crap the next 3/4 years are going to be just because you personally had a difficult time.

People are excited about being pregnant, it's not nice to tell them it's going to be horrific.

But - it might not be horrific. Babies are all different , as are people. Also, there us a tendency for other people (like the ones you're being honest with) to think "oh I'd manage better than that/I wouldn't do it like that" etc.

It can be hard OP, but cliche as it is, it will pass in the blink of an eye. Do what you can to get a break, don't feel guilty if you do

I think people did try to "warn" me, and I vaguely thought that it couldn't possibly be as bad as they were saying and my experience would be somehow Different. I recall my NCT leader describing a baby's feeding cycle every 2 hours, and thinking, "Well, she's clearly exaggerating, it wouldn't be possible to survive with a baby that woke to feed that often, it won't be that bad". Hahahaha!!!!!!!

My first was not an easy introduction to babies.

I then tried to warn people expecting their first in my turn, and it bounced off them exactly as it had bounced off me. People don't hear what they aren't ready to hear, and if they're ready to hear it they'll seek it out themselves.

I probably do forget some of just how hard it was when my DC were babies and toddlers. Partly because there were some dark, dark nights, and to linger there would do me no good, and partly because sleep deprivation fucks your long term memory anyway. But I do remember it as a hard and exhausting time, much more so than now when my DC are primary aged.

It's hard but it passes quickly, my youngest is almost 2 and the knowledge that each stage and phase passes quickly has made second time round easier. My main issues personally are lack of sleep and anxiety around when they're ill.

But now I know that, for the first 2 years with my eldest who had a NICU stay, reflux and seizures all of which meant he slept NOT AT FUCKING ALL I just bumbled around feeling like shit and my poor husband was much the same while also having never held a baby so feeling utterly useless. At least I'd lots of childcare experience with siblings and babysitting.

Find a way to work together, hopefully he's willing to improve, and know that it will get better and if youve not washed a dish in 3 days, have run out of clean knickers and ate humous on bread with crisps for several meals in a row please know it won't be like that forever. The sleep deprivation is horrible and cumulative but I promise it passes eventually. New stages bring new challenges but none as bad for me personally so far as the lack of sleep and breastfeeding exhaustion. You're not naive or stupid and you're going to be ok. X

Baby & Toddler groups, breastfeeding groups, baby massage classes…go to as many as you can. You will find some people if you put yourself out there. They may still be friends (a few of them) when your kids are heading off to uni! Ask for help on the very bad days from existing friends and family and DH …but you might not get it, just be prepared! You’ll never have such a great opportunity to make new friends and they will get you through. Good luck!

I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down

Yabu to expect everyone to have the same experiences, feel the same things as you. And putting responsibility on them for not warning you is totally inappropriate.

Maybe they have husbands who pull their weight. Your anger is misplaced.

I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you need to own your decision and not blame (who?) for letting you down (who's obligation was that?) for not talking you out of an adult decision that only you and the father of your child could make.

i can't believe the level of entitlement, maybe this is a parody thread.

Even if people tell you, you don't believe them, or think it's their choices that make things hard, or you just don't want to hear it. As awful as it is to say, you also cannot understand the sheer overwhelm and sleep deprivation until you've been through it. Before DC1, my husband and I were very "yeah it'll be hard and tiring at first but it will pass" - when you're in it it's horrendous.

I am very careful to not ruin anyone's exciting first pregnancy with horror stories - I might just offer help if they need it "I'm always happy to pop round and take them for a bit so you can have a break" rather than "you'll get to a point where you feel hopeless and like you'll never be able to shower again".

Some people also find these months easy. I felt like I was surrounded by friends whose babies took to breastfeeding so easily, who could put their babies down, who were bonding with their babies. Parenthood is all peaks and troughs but it's not the same highs and lows for everyone!

Not everyone finds it hard for a start. Also people genuinely forget how bad it can be. We’ve got 3 and each time the baby phase came as a shock to me. You always look back and only remember the snuggles and the smiles, not the endless crying and neediness. Our youngest is now 12 months and I’ve already forgotten how horrendous I found it all…

'What it's like to have a baby' is a bit like 'what it's like to have a mother/boyfriend/husband/sister' - highly individual, changeable over time, a nightmare for some, a dream for others!

Yes, it's hard work and incessant. I forgot what having a baby was like in between DC1 and DC1 and they're only 2.5 years apart! It was only when DC2 was born that I realised how utterly individual babies are - they were very different experiences. DC1 was colicky and had trouble feeding, always quite demanding - DC2 just wanted to feed and smile all day.

In your shoes, I'd talk to DH and get him to give you a break more - start with him having DC while you have a bath/go for a coffee/go for a walk and work up.

Family and friends with older kids - they're not mind readers. If you're waiting for offers of support, try saying 'I'm finding it hard, would you ever be able to watch the baby for a few hours while I get my hair cut etc?' or 'if you ever want to babysit and have some cuddles, just let me know!' Sometimes people would be happy to look after a baby for a bit but think you'll imagine they're implying you can't cope if they offer. On the other hand - did you offer to help when their older kids were small? And older kids can take more time than you imagine with ferrying them about etc.

It's true though, people can't understand what it's like to have kids before they have them, any more than telling someone what it's like in a coal mine prepares them for being a coal miner. Because it's your specific emotional response to lack of sleep and lack of freedom to do what you want, when you want that matters, and it bothers some people more than others/is harder with some babies.

No one can prepare you for the lifestyle change. Of course you know your life is going to change but I don’t think you grasp how much until baby is here.

In terms of people forgetting what it’s like, I don’t think they do. I just think as a society we have a race to the bottom mentality so if you tell someone that you’re struggling today because baby was up four times last night and you only had three hours sleep, there will always be someone in the conversation whose baby only ever slept for one hour per night for five years and will tell you are lucky to get three whole hours! I also think a lot of people have the attitude of “most people become parents, everyone has done this, get on with it”. I don’t agree with those view points by the way!

Doing the majority of care for the baby can be very draining. Even if your partner is at work all day they can take the pressure off a little by being helpful in the evenings; 30 mins of tidying/cleaning, getting you a hot drink, making tea, looking after baby while you have a shower.

I do remember how hard it was, mine were relatively easy I suppose but it was still a relentless slog.
However, now mine are teenagers the younger years seem like a walk in the park by comparison...I think if the reality of having kids was explained more clearly many more people would think twice!
I suppose we've evolved to want to procreate so the biology takes over the rational for many. I don't regret having mine but my word...if someone had explained the level of stress and worry children would bring...

I currently have a ten week old and have been asking myself this question for much of that time!

Whilst pregnant everybody told me how wonderful it was etc, nobody mentioned it bloody sucks! Especially this newborn phase!!

We've already decided we're one and done because there's no way we're doing this again! 😂

My youngest two are 10 years old and 15 months old and yes I absolutely forgot parts of how full on having little kids are. Not all of it but definitely some bits.
My SIL had her first last week, I was honest with her about my experience with birth, not to scare her as all my births have been text book and positive, because she asked. If she didn't ask anything I wouldn't say anything. To purposely sit there and tell her all the bad/gritty bits would be cruel.
Either way OP it does get easier I promise. My eldest is 18 now and he's like a good friend of mine these days. He's an absolute joy to be around.

Unless you got pregnant by an actual accident and didn’t find out for ages I can’t see how you missed the torrent of negativity so many people share about life with a baby, or that you’d have decided against having one based on hearsay.

You’re annoyed it’s harder than you expected. Quite a few people I know were annoyed I didn’t/don’t find it hard.

I’ve got a pre schooler and a newborn and it’s not the horror show I’d read and heard about, first or second time, despite complicated recoveries from difficult deliveries. I had a nightmare having DD and cherished every moment. DH is a brilliant dad, we work as a team, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.

When people ask if I hate it and I say no I don’t the people who didn't enjoy it can be really resentful.

The real stigma is enjoying having babies, confess you’re happy and risk being called smug or lying.

Also, my husband is incredibly helpful, I'd go so far as to say we're equal parents the hours he's in the house (formula fed).
It must be awful for women who don't have this support!

To put it bluntly, most people are only interested in their own situation and most people are only interested in their own kids. It's the world we live in

If people ask I'll give a warts and all description of parenting babies and toddlers, but if you don't I'm not going into detail. My 2nd didn't sleep through until she was 6 years old. No new parent wants to hear that.

Everyone has different experiences, I expected it to be horrendous as a lot of people in real life and on here go on and on about how hard it is. I feel like a lot of people (not my close family and friends but people in my outer circles and social media do talk about it a lot)

I didn't find the adjustment hard, I knew my life was going to change and wanted that change. Yes I had hard days but all in all I really enjoyed the early days of motherhood. Now she's 3 and the tantrums can be horrific! But again I enjoy it most of the time!